h/t Sen. Dick LaRossa for this one.

New Jersey…like a magical, wonderful fungus.

It just grows on you.

August 15

Moved to a new home in Jersey. It’s so beautiful here. The lake to the north looks so majestic. I can hardly wait to see it snow covered. I’m going to love it here.

October 14

I Jersey is definitely the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades  of red and orange. Went for a ride through the park and saw some  deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise, I LOVE IT HERE.

November 10

Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous animal, hope it will snow soon. I love it here. Those red and orange leaves have covered my yard. Looks like a magnificent multi-colored carpet. HOW BEAUTIFUL. Raking and cleaning up the yard will be an opportunity for invigorating exercise in the cool crisp air.

November 15

Ah, more leaves and more exercise.

November 18

Jesus, still more leaves. Guess it’s best to wait until they’ve all fallen before I rake again.

November 25

Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves and  today’s final raking it’s over for this season. Chiropractor suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only four blisters became infected. Should probably remember to use gloves.

November  30

What the fuck? Where did all of those leaves come from? A little wind last night and the lawn is covered again. Oh well, they’ll just have to wait until spring.

December 12

It snowed last night, FINALLY. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Had  a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came by and we had to shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I Love Jersey.

December 14

More snow last night, I love it. The snowplow did his trick to the driveway again. I Love it here.

December 19

More snow again last night. Can’t get out of the driveway to get to work. I’m exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

December 22

More of that white shit fell again last night. As if dealing with the leaves weren’t bad enough, now I’ve got blisters all over my hands from shoveling, must remember to wear gloves. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I’m finished shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

December 25

Merry Christmas. More frigging snow. If I ever get my  hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow. I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

December 27

More white shit last night. Have been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that plow goes through every time. Fucking gloves got wet and then froze on  my hands. Doctor said it was just a mild case of frostbite, disfiguration is probably only temporary. Can’t go anywhere, car is stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

December 28

The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white shit. At this rate it won’t melt ‘till summer. The plow got stuck up the road and the bastard came to the door and asked to borrow a shovel. After I told him I’d already broken six of them shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his fucking head.

January 4

Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back I hit a damned deer that ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage. Fucking beast should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3

Took the car to the garage in town. The thing is rusting out from all the fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10

Moved to Florida. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God-forsaken state of New Jersey.

Yeh. That’s Right. Beat it.

Russ