In Big Salon today, they ran an article about a budget wedding. The wedding cost $8000, a relative bargain compared to the average wedding of $32,000. Still, it is obviously possible to go cheaper -- forego everything but the officiant and wedding license and you can wrap the whole wedding up for less than $200.

 There were a lot of comments to the article, ranging from those congratulating the bride on creating a fun, memorable ceremony without getting wrapped up in the wedding industrial complex hoo ha to those who were outraged that someone out of work would spend $8000 on a wedding ceremony.

Have a big affair and she's a mini-bridezilla. Have nothing and everyone in the comments section would pat her on the back for her frugality. But, if she were their best friend, and the author choose the quickie ceremony, how would the commenters feel about not being invited?

I'm engaged and in the middle of trying to decide how much or little ceremony to have, and thought I'd offer some perspective on wedding ceremonies, the pressures to have them, and the pressures to make them bigger than necessary.

My fiance and I are both 40. I was married before and had my white wedding fantasy complete with chocolate favors, champagne toast, and bouquet toss. The wedding I threw when I was 25 was fabulous. Many times over the course of a marriage that never fully satisfied, I found the auspicious beginning a comforting memory I clung to through a hard time.

However, the money that paid for that one great day went on a credit card, sinking us into debt, starting a trend in my marriage of justifying spending we couldn't afford. Years later my ex and I paid off $140,000 in debt, and the choices we were forced to make in the meantime in order to subsidize that debt -- jobs we had to take in order to keep making credit card minimums, the moves we made to take the jobs, and the stress of being constantly maxed out -- contributed tremendously to our unhappiness.

After my fiance got down on his knee, my first impulse about the ceremony I wanted this time around was the total opposite of what I dreamed of at 25. I wanted something tremendously personal, simple, and cheap -- me, my fiance, and my daughter on a beach with a random officiant, simple outfits, and no one else around. 

My fiance wanted this for quite some time, too, but finally admitted that he wanted his aging parents to see him get married (he has never been married).  Thus, plans for a small event began.

As we told our friends and family about our engagement, people started inviting themselves to our wedding. Good friends were telling us,  "I don't care if you have a big event or not, I'm coming, I want to see you get married." We tried to convince them not to, but they insisted they wanted to be there, particularly my fiance's friends who thought this day would never come for him. Since people would be traveling, this raised up the issue that we were not planning an event intended to be considerate of people coming in from out of town.

Currently we've settled for a very simple wedding at a wedding chapel, just very close family, a little sit down afterwards at a local seafood joint, a small cake, and a firm line about who's invited and who's not -- and with that low key ceremony we are going to be pushing $3000 conservatively (though we have some offers of help from family that will limit our personal outlay). 

How? $200 for the chapel, $300 or so for my clothes, $60 or so for my daughter's, another $50 for my fiance to get a coordinating tie for his nice suit, hair, nails, $200 for a few flowers put together by my aunt who attended floral school years ago (I tried to make it cheaper but couldn't imagine not having coursages for his mother and mine, or boutinerres for the fathers), $1000 or so for food and a toast, $100 - $200 for a small cake. And maybe some photos? It is just a little event but just putting in the basic elements of a wedding costs money. Since the event was not in the town where we lived, and his parents are not church goers, the potluck/homemade cake/picnic/back yard kind of options didn't exist for us.

We keep telling friends who have wanted to help us celebrate (all of whom live all over the country) that we will do something later, and if we have a party later on, the cost of that party and the cost of the small ceremony will add up to the cost of a modest celebration similar to what the author of the Big Salon article described. And that will be another event to plan, more time. 

I considered sending out announcements that include, for select friends, a formal invitation to come and visit with us in our new home one weekend this year, to celebrate in person with us. I imagine entertaining all those guests individually, even in a low-key way -- the extra booze and food, taking them to see the local sites -- will be just as costly as one big celebration.

So, I'm tossing around the idea of a slightly larger event that will be worthy of people to travel for to get everything over at once. I'm wondering how exactly I could pay for it, and wondering if I'm willing to saddle another marriage with debt.

My fiance and I have no romantic allusions about a "special day," but my friends and family want it for us. We may hate brides for indulging in the crazy making that goes on around them, but we collude with them so we can be a part of their joy.