Less than 24 Hours after its ban on fruit and candy flavored cigarettes went into effect, the national Food and Drug Administration today held its first public hearing regarding a proposed ban on candy and fruit flavored underwear.

Proponents of the ban believe that just as the flavoring in cigarettes encourages children to smoke, so too does candy underwear promote teenage promiscuity. Opponents argue that a person’s choice of undergarments is, by its very nature, a private and personal matter, and any government interference would be overly obtrusive. Producers argue that the FDA has no jurisdiction over garments of any kind, and have long resented being required to label their products with both care instructions and nutrition information.

Attorneys for the American Civil Liberties Union argued that such a ban would violate not only an individual’s presumed right to privacy, but also the First Amendment right to freedom of expression. “How a person dresses is an expression of who they are,” argued ACLU attorney Paul Katz, “and few garments make as impactful a statement as exotically flavored edible panties.” Under questioning, Mr. Katz did concede, however, that the public might be well served by an outer package warning regarding potential risks posed to diabetic consumers.

Anonymous White House source Newton Toomey indicated that the Administration, rather than a ban, would prefer to discourage the wearing/consumption of edible undergarments by imposing a tax, such as the one proposed for soda and other sweetened beverages, which would also supply much needed revenue to help finance health care reform.

But Veree Pious of the Family Research Council, which like many Conservative Christian organizations only favors government interference in the private lives of those who disagree with them, feels the ban is essential. After failing to gain Capitol Hill support for a legislative ban, the FRC took their fight directly to the FDA. “The fabric of the American family is melting away faster than a crotchless chocolate thong at a Louisiana prom,” Ms. Pious told reporters outside the hearing room, “These products are dangerous. They not only corrupt the morals of our youth and lead to countless unplanned teen pregnancies, but they’re not exactly helping with the country’s obesity problem either.” When asked why her organization was unable to convince members of Congress to enact a ban legislatively, Ms. Pious pointed to what she believes is a problem of perception. “Most politicians had trouble making the distinction,” she said, “because so many of them think of all undergarments worn by youngsters as ‘candy’.”

In other unplanned pregnancy news, responding to a reported promise made by disgraced former Presidential candidate John Edwards to the despondent mother of his oft-denied out-of-wedlock daughter, a representative for the Dave Matthews Band told reporters, “We don’t do weddings.”