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Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 13, 2010 6:57PM

God, Jesus Announce Boycott of “The 700 Club”

Rate: 31 Flag

Cite “Deep Philosophical and Religious Differences”

Las Vegas – January 13

Jesus Christ, flanked by God, appeared at an impromptu press conference today to announce that They will immediately begin boycotting the television show “The 700 Club”, as well as all of its advertisers and any other program or entity in any way affiliated with the show’s host, Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson, and that They encourage “anyone within the sound of our voices to do the same”.

The unprecedented move by the world’s most famous Father and Son team followed remarks Robertson made regarding the tragic situation in Haiti, in which it is feared as many as 100,000 people may have perished as a result of yesterday’s earthquake.  Robertson attributed the earthquake to what he described as a “pact to the Devil” made by the Haitian people to aid in their fight for liberation from Napoleon’s France.

“We’ve just had enough of this guy baselessly invoking Our names when discussing his personal beliefs, particularly when it comes to politics.  Also, it’s not like he doesn’t know Who’s place it is to pass judgment, yet he continues to do so.  We can only imagine that either he just doesn’t get it, or more likely, it’s all about ratings.”  Mr. Christ went on to add, “And all those times he’s claimed to have spoken to Our Father here, all I have to say is, We have caller ID – the two have never had a conversation.”

Responding to reporters’ questions, Jesus, speaking on behalf of God as is Their custom, said, “I want to assure everyone that We, of course, are closely monitoring the situation in Haiti, and have canceled our planned visits to the Liberace Museum and Cirque du Soleil in order to focus more closely on events there.  We will be leaving Vegas as soon as We resolve the issue for which We came and have finally determined if the ‘Elvis’ we’ve had with us for the past 33 years is, in fact, the King many have claimed.  In the meantime, We will also stay accurately informed, as We often do, by monitoring The Borowitz Report.”

When asked if God planned to “call home” the controversial Robertson, who may turn 80 in March, any time soon, He responded, “These things are never finalized until the moment comes, but as things stand right now, this one’s not His call”.


This is also a time when we are reminded of the common humanity that we all share, and Americans have always responded to these situations with generosity of spirit. If you would like to support the urgent humanitarian effort in Haiti, I encourage you to visit our website where you can learn more about how to contribute.” - President Barack Obama, January 13, 2010

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Flying spit take. Love! Rated.
Let's call the devil and see if HE'LL call Robertson home. I happen to know his number...

This was very clever. Loved it.
I'm pretty sure that my little brother (the devil) doesn't claim Robertson either but hey I will give him a call and find out.
This news report only goes to show how incredibly compassionate, patient and kind Jesus & God are -- that they haven't caused Pat Robertson to spontaneous combust and return from whence he came -- the bowels of hell.
With friends like Pat Robertson, the Almighty doesn't need enemies.
Pat looked a tad doddery. Maybe it was time for his nap? That or his pills.
I love it! I posted a link on facebook for all my friends and fans to read! Bravo!
I love it! I posted a link on facebook for all my friends and fans to read! Bravo!
"Mr. Christ went on to add..." Love it. R.
Love it! I particularly like the part where Pat said, "true story" about the Haitians devil pact.
Somewhere there's got t0 be a YouTube of Flip Wilson as "Geraldine" spouting out "the Debil made me do it!" Maybe that should be Robertson's mantra.
Great post. Rated
I don't think God does things like that, kill innocent people I mean.
I take my hat off to Pat Robertson - who else would have the wits and the chutzpa - over and over again - to transform a massive human tragedy into a media circus all about "me, me, me"?
Robertson will die and go to hell for saying the things he has said. He has NO idea what God thinks about anything.
So funny it hurts. So sick it's funny. Rated!
Too funny...yeah, I don't imagine God wants that "PR" either...
Very witty. I especially that the Father and Son were planning a trip to Vegas, because as all good Christians know, they most certainly would not visit such a den. Ha.

Pat brings shame to his faith, and I am waiting for Christian leaders to publicly denounce him.
fantastic. thank you for this post!
Strong evidence that God can not possibly exist is that an embarrassing fool like Robertson believes he speaks for him.
I think God started boycotting him a long time ago, but you are funny!
Yeah, I am sure God does not agree with PR's comments. I am sure the evil in Haiti...the government corruption even voodoo contributes to the overall state of Haiti's poor conditions, however, I don't think it has ANYTHING to do with the fact that there was an earthquake. The Bible says that "God rains on the just and the unjust alike." He is no respecter of persons. It seems like Pat Robertson said something similar about New Orleans. He needs to retire. An amusing post. rated.
If earthquakes were issued upon us all due to the sins we have commited in life we all would be caught under a pile of rubble or struggling to deal with the horrors that those in Haiti have had to endure. Pat Robertson would do good to remember that before shooting off the bile he likes to hand out.
A few more pennies for your thoughts please...maybe even dollars.
Reminds me of something I saw some years ago...

BREAKING NEWS! God's First Ever Press Conference


Daren Niklerog

Outside The Pearly Gates, Heaven

September 22, 2005

A visibly shaken and disturbed deity, God presented himself ("itself", an unnamed source close to God corrected this reporter) for an unprecedented press conference this morning. From within a blinding light of never before seen intensity, the Almighty declared his frustration with humanity and, particularly, with the Bush Administration.

"George Bush is correct in saying that I speak to him all the time," the booming, even deafening voice declared, "The problem is he just doesn't seem to be listening." Yahweh continued, "I mean, Jesus Christ, two enormous and devastating hurricanes back to back targeting the heart of Bush country? What more does an omnipotent being have to do to let you know its displeasure? Oh, sorry son," God then quickly apologized to the glowing man on his right.

Asked what God's future plans were for passing his message along to humanity, God suggested the possibility of light to moderate brimstone showers with a chance of isolated pillars of fire centered primarily on Kansas.

Following the press conference, journalists in attendance discovered they were permanently blinded by God's light. However, industry insiders stated that they don't believe this will have any impact on their reporting.

Copyright 2005 The Niklerog Report. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
too funny! no amount of satire could ever do him justice. rated.