In Major Shift, Congressional Failure Shocks Many, Leaves Some Skeptical
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A stunned nation sat glued to cable news programming today as rescue workers swarmed the Capitol Building searching for victims after it was reported that as many as 530 members of the House and Senate attempted mass suicide following the release of the latest nationwide poll results. So far, no deaths have been reported, but many who cover Capitol Hill on a regular basis remain optimistic.
It all began shortly before noon, when the latest polls revealed that 61% of registered voters agreed with the statement, “I think our country would be better off if every member of Congress killed themselves.” This reflected a 12% jump since last March and marked only the forty-first time since regular polling began that a majority agreed with that statement. Only 3% “disagreed” while 1% “strongly disagreed” and 35% “strongly agreed”. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 50 lawmakers.
A spokesman for Walter Reade Medical Center told reporters that many Democrats were slightly affected by a mild dose of a prescription pain killer, telling reporters, “Apparently they thought they were taking a lethal dose, but fortunately, or unfortunately depending on where you stand, one of their members bought the drug in Canada. While they were a little woozy and unable to function well cognitively, unless someone had medical training they probably wouldn’t have noticed anything unusual.” He also revealed that no toxins were found in the systems of any Republicans, saying, “We have since learned that the individual who initially agreed to mix the punch had a last minute change of heart.” It was also disclosed that a few of the most senior members of both parties were treated for oxygen inhalation and released.
The fact that no poison was contained in the purple Kool-Aid ingested by Republicans was later confirmed by a Senate staffer. Meegan Toomey, an aide to Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning who spoke on condition of anonymity, revealed that while Senator Bunning had initially agreed to lace the “official beverage of the GOP” with cyanide, he later balked, insisting that the cyanide first be paid for. The balk, incidentally, was Bunning’s first since August 12, 1968, when he out-dueled Los Angeles Dodgers’ ace Don Drysdale for a 2-1 victory.
It should also be noted that Senator Bunning, fellow Republican Ron Paul, Democrat Dennis Kucinich, and Independents Joe Lieberman and Bernie Sanders did not participate in the festivities. “I may consider killing myself at a later date, if that’s what the polls say and I feel it’s in the best interest of the people of Kentucky,” Bunning said in an interview with Entertainment Weekly, “but right now I’m just too busy killing the Republican Party.”
As is the case with many major events that alter the national political landscape, there are already some who question the official version of events. “There was never any sincere attempt made at ‘autocongricide’,” according to political activist Oswald Ruby, who called for an immediate independent investigation, adding, “This was staged.” As evidence, Mr. Ruby produced what he claimed were classified poll results never intended to be released to the public. According to the document distributed to gathered media, a recent poll showed that 68% of all Americans responded favorably to the statement, “I’d be more likely to support the re-election of officials who at least tried to do the honorable thing and commit suicide.” Another 24% indicated that they would definitely support those whose suicide attempts were successful.
Several cable news outlets have announced that, barring further developments in this story, they will resume their normal programming this evening. MSNBC will air a three-hour documentary about the death of Michael Jackson while the Fox News Channel boasts three hours of their prime-time ‘entertainment hosts’ advising people to invest in gold with their sponsors. E! will continue its Pre-Red Carpet Sidewalk Show from the site of Sunday’s Academy Award ceremonies.