By Centauri

Don't expect to sit together when you show up just before the movie starts. Trailers are not extra time for you to drag your ass.

How many times have you heard the following comment in a crowded theater? “There aren’t any seats together.” This statement is generally said in an exasperated tone of disbelief. It is usually heard within two minutes either side of the lights going down.

In many cases the offending group or couple tends to be standing directly in front of my seat. Also, there normally are seats together. They just happen to be in the flat section, on the floor, instead of the preferred, stadium raked area.

Scenarios like these occur all across the country, in every type of area. What made it acceptable to show up late and expect that everything would be just to your liking? It is probably a number of things.

Most likely, is the ‘on demand’ culture that we as a society have adopted. Everything from Hulu and iTunes to fast(er) food establishments and full cooked gourmet meals at the grocery store have made most of us spoiled brats. Some worse than others, many of our society have embodied the personality of Veruca Salt. We want it! We want it NOW! We want it just how we like it...or there will be hell to pay.

So, here’s a thought. Anticipate that the movie you want to see, may very well have more than your sorry, self-centered ass attending it. The whole friggin’ world doesn’t revolve around you! Get here earlier like the rest of us.

For instance, I have a very specific location that I like to sit in. Call it my ‘ comfort spot.’ This seat location is adaptable to any theater design in the country. In order to ensure that I get ‘my spot’ I generally arrive thirty minutes (minimum) prior to showtime. My wife isn’t a fan of doing this, but she understands the ‘why’ behind it. As such, she tolerates it like a trooper. If I can be dedicated enough to show up that early...You can surely be bothered to get out the damned door ten minutes earlier.

From this point further, I don’t want to hear it any more. Shut the hell up, accept your fate and sit in the floor area. Have a grand old time watching “Inception” from great seats...located squarely up Leo DiCaprio’s ass.

Furthermore, I have a bone to pick with you ushers and theater managers. This is something that has bothered me for a long time. What in the hell gives you the idea that people, showing up late to a packed theater, have the right to be placed in seats on the aisle. Kiss my ass, if you think I am moving towards the center of the row. So, don’t ask me to slide in...Trust me, you will NOT like my answer.

On the flip side of that coin, I have no problem at all with sliding towards the outside to create two seats together. That is just common courtesy, it makes sense to do. Just don’t expect us to give up the prime real estate of the aisle seats that we showed up early to claim. That would be akin to coming into a Monopoly game two hours late and expecting to be given Boardwalk, just because you had to stop for snacks on the way over. It doesn’t work that way.

By the way, once I do slide in to create the space for you to sit...Shut Up! I don’t want to hear about your traffic ordeal, last night’s one night stand or the spoiler-filled review of the movie we are about to watch. I guarantee that you won’t enjoy my 44 ounce drink being ‘accidentally’ dumped in your lap at a critical point in the film.

“Lesson Number Three. Always Trust Centauri.”