Warning: Rambling ahead.
I'm putting one foot in front of the other and making it through my days. The love and support from my friends at work (I teach in high school) has been continuous and amazing. One woman who has annoyed the shit out of me for a long time was so kind when my father died that I can no longer say snarky things about her. Thanks, Dad, for that good lesson. I've received such beautiful condolences from OS friends that I shall always treasure. Always good advice, bolstering my spirit and letting me know that whatever I'm feeling is okay. I received PMs and phone calls from you guys that make me tear up just thinking about it. Thank you.
I spent Christmas at my sister's outside Charlottesville, about 2-1/2 hours away. My husband told me to go, said I shouldn't sit around staring at him through the holidays (which is pretty much what we would have done--I'm still at the lake but I would have gone to my house for Christmas) and that I probably should be with my sister. Her husband's three older sons were there, one with his wife who no one had met yet, and my sister's two kids, and it was wonderful and fun and busy and I didn't cry once in five days. My husband visited my mother Christmas day and then went to our son's house. Really nice of him, but none of that really changes things between us. I spent time over there when my dad died, but I made it clear I wasn't moving back because my dad died. That has not gone over well, and he's back to not picking up when I call. Well.
I had the worst new year's eve ever. Sadness consumed me. I cried and cried and cried throughout the afternoon and evening. It's not that I was reflecting on anything, but I was just so damn sad and missing my dad (and actually probably thinking about things I should have done--which is stupid I know but whaddayagonnado?) But I'm better. I figure if I need to burst into tears at the DMV or Wal-Mart (okay, I try to boycott them but sometimes I need cheap stuff), then so be it. I cry a lot in the car. A sunset makes me cry. Birds flocking kill me. One day I was driving to visit my mom and this osprey (I think) flew over my car following the road just enough in front of me that I could peer out the windshield and gape at it. I mean that raptor pulled me along with it! I think it was my dad.
Thanks for holding me up. Please let me be there for you when if you need it.