Just my take on

JANUARY 6, 2011 9:14PM

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Warning:  Rambling ahead. 

I'm putting one foot in front of the other and making it through my days.  The love and support from my friends at work (I teach in high school) has been continuous and amazing.  One woman who has annoyed the shit out of me for a long time was so kind when my father died that I can no longer say snarky things about her.  Thanks, Dad, for that good lesson.  I've received such beautiful condolences from OS friends that I shall always treasure.  Always good advice, bolstering my spirit and letting me know that whatever I'm feeling is okay.  I received PMs and phone calls from you guys that make me tear up just thinking about it.  Thank you.

I spent Christmas at my sister's outside Charlottesville, about 2-1/2 hours away.  My husband told me to go, said I shouldn't sit around staring at him through the holidays (which is pretty much what we would have done--I'm still at the lake but I would have gone to my house for Christmas) and that I probably should be with my sister.  Her husband's three older sons were there, one with his wife who no one had met yet, and my sister's two kids, and it was wonderful and fun and busy and I didn't cry once in five days.  My husband visited my mother Christmas day and then went to our son's house.  Really nice of him, but none of that really changes things between us.  I spent time over there when my dad died, but I made it clear I wasn't moving back because my dad died.  That has not gone over well, and he's back to not picking up when I call.  Well.

I had the worst new year's eve ever.  Sadness consumed me.  I cried and cried and cried throughout the afternoon and evening.  It's not that I was reflecting on anything, but I was just so damn sad and missing my dad (and actually probably thinking about things I should have done--which is stupid I know but whaddayagonnado?)  But I'm better.  I figure if I need to burst into tears at the DMV or Wal-Mart (okay, I try to boycott them but sometimes I need cheap stuff), then so be it.  I cry a lot in the car.  A sunset makes me cry.  Birds flocking kill me.  One day I was driving to visit my mom and this osprey (I think) flew over my car following the road just enough in front of me that I could peer out the windshield and gape at it. I mean that raptor pulled me along with it!  I think it was my dad.

 Thanks for holding me up.  Please let me be there for you when if you need it.



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death, kindness, birds, sunsets, tears, joy, friends

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I am rambling down the road.
Heading for another strange day.
Whether good or dull or bad
I am going to keep on my way.
Surazeus: I'm going to post that on my mirror.
I have had these times too, flocks of birds and sunsets, it is your time to grieve and holding back wont' keep it for long. Let it go and see where it all will take you. I have a feeling you will look back on this time as defining.
Take a deep breath. Then another.

It's probably going to be a while before you feel normal. As long as the people around you understand you're going to walk into walls for a while.
What rita just said. It's hard to realize at the time, having been knocked off your foundation and all.

Last year I had a singularly awful New Year's Eve: sad, angry, bitter, hopeless, and unpleasant. Then 2010 transpired. This year was very, very different, and singularly lovely. Location, champaign, and company (none) were precisely the same. Must've been me.

Here's to 2011 for you.
Hey what are friends for....Life is strange and then some...
Here's encouragement for keeping on until you come out the other end... Cliche, but time heals...
Thinking of you as you find your way. Tears. Sometimes balm for the soul.
GD: I was rarely here over the last couple of weeks and missed the news about your father. You have my sympathy: it is a hard thing to lose a parent, even if it is no surprise. Let yourself grieve, and cry whenever you feel the need. After her parents died, my wife said it definitely takes a year to get over it.
@Rita, you are right. I'm hoping to learn some things about myself.
@kosher, I love that expression "walk into walls." I'll never forget reading the paper after the Waco madness with David Koresh, and a father who had lost his young adult twins!!! in the guns and fire said simply, "I am walking into walls." Say no more.
@DB, you, sir, are indeed a bard. Must've been you, indeed. Thanks for being an inspiration.
@Algis: how kind. I'm trying to see the unique beauty in all things with an eye like yours.
Myriad, is that you? I have always though of you as male, and those photos from France and Italy seemed perfect confirmation. Is you hair short and dark or long and blond?
@anna1liese, another phrase for the anna1liese phrasebook I've started: "finding my way."
@Pilgrim, you have been so wonderful to me from when I first started here. I take strength even from your name.
Hang in there GD - transition and changes feel icky and hard and weepy. Le the tears flow when they come. Brighter days are ahead, and in the meantime we are all here to hold each other up!
I'm so sorry to hear the news about your dad. I missed your original post about his passing, as I was pretty spotty here before Christmas. I know you read my blog about my dad and the strange path my grief has taken over the last several years (because of the wonderful and thoughtful comment you left there), so you know I know what you're going through. I wish I could give you a big old hug. We could put our arms around each other and just have a big cry-fest. Sometimes you just have to do that. I'm here if you need a shoulder to cry on...
((BIG HUGS)) to you, my dear,