It's been a rough week.
Instead of working, as I should be,
I find myself here, clicking away the night.
And then I clicked Sally's post.
Read This! Then Decide WTF Is Really Important
I clicked through to the life and death post.
And there it was, about halfway down.
My complete undoing;
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."
I cried, then. Not tears, oh no, but
great heaving sobs that make no sound
at all, save for the intake of breath.
I am a caregiver.
If you've read my posts, you know.
If you've read "something to cry about" you know even more.
Within a 10 minute drive, I have 5 siblings. 5.
Not a one willing to take Dad, even for a day.
They tell me they would understand if I gave up.
Threw in the towel. Put him in an institution.
His social worker tells me that the reason most elderly people with mental challenges go into an institution is not due to deterioration, but because of caregiver exhaustion. I understand that, too.
Yet, I saw how he did in a facility.
Saw him curl up in the fetal position asking "who's there?"
when strangers came into his room.
I couldn't leave him that way. Couldn't.
In lucid moments, he tells me he would rather die than be put away
and forgotten, like all those other old people. It hurts my heart.
But, oh, I ache for solitude.
To rest. Body and mind.
For one day not spent serving meals every 3 hours.
For one night, blissfully slept all the way through, instead of
listening, listening for him in the hall, neither asleep nor awake.
I felt weak tonight. Short of strength.
Lacking. Just lacking. As a human, somehow,
too tired to even keep myself together, much less work.
And there you were, Sally.
You made me feel strong, when I felt weakest.
If I may return the favor, at the end of your post, you said;
"Now it's your turn. Think positive. Please. Or, really, just STFU already."
So, I'm making this an open call to anyone that stumbles by.
If someone on OS has picked up your spirits, please thank them. Out loud. Call it "Open Call. Thank you (name) "
Maybe we can get some good Karma into the feed for a while.
P.S. I'll say a prayer for Karen.