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The Songbird

The Songbird
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Ohio, USA
Birthday
August 22
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I am a mechanical bird. I fly, dive, and flutter about things, curious, ... yet -- I am but a machine. I am the product of the times I came into. All is mechanical. My clockwork works - exactly. You can see by the meter of my words that something is precise about me. I know not why; I am not the Originator of these things. They only come to me. They tick, or they whirr, or they may, by chance, chime. No matter - I hear, and respond to them. I myself am quite delighted by these Missives that come my way, and my dearest love is the language I came in with, English. It isn't the words themselves; more - it is the very capability of being able to iterate what I have been given to feel.

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Salon.com
AUGUST 30, 2011 6:14AM

The World According To John Cleese: Alertimundo!

Rate: 3 Flag
 
1964-Homage du Magritte
 
 

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE :

By JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.  

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.  

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."  

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."  They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.  

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
 

 
 ~ John Cleese ~
British writer, actor,
and tall person.
 

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Comments

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That is funny and has just enough grains of truth to make it so!
Haahaaa.. to me too, Scans! The man slays me.... Glad you liked.
Excellent! He is one of the brilliant ones.
Rated
Heey, Mical -- yep - tongue firmly planted in cheek, off he goes. Love it! Thanks for readin', glad you enjoyed.
Loved it and John Cleese
He is one of the funniest and
most clever people
on the planet
rated with love
Yep, the truth, on Wry, please... ! Tx, RP-good to see ya.