here is a list of morons in my life. below that (cause i couldn't figure out how to effectively do columns), is a list of things the morons on the moron list have done. match each moron to what that moron did, and you will "win" 200 "lexus dollars." "good luck"/"break a leg"/"knock yourself out."

A. jimmy

B. jason

C. dan

D. stinkhead

E. me

F. steve

G. alan

H. mike, the guy who owns a restaurant four blocks east of us

I. nando

J. rudy

K. tuna can

L. my dad (when i was a freshman in high school)

M. glen

N. fleegle

O. my mom (many moons ago)

P. regina

1. used me as a reference when applying for another job, then got an offer for that job, but didn't TAKE the offer. i got a call one day, this new place on west randolph, asking if i thought alan was a good worker. seeing light at the end of the long dark tunnel that is life working with alan, i said hell yes he's a good worker, hell YES, he's the BEST. a short while went by and i asked alan if he ever heard anything from them, and he said oh sure, they wanted me for a couple shifts but i think i like it here more. then he asked me why was i suddenly and repeatedly taking the lord's name in vain.

2. went on a bender of damn-near-epic proportions, a ten in the morning til two in the morning affair that was brought to a screeching halt when his wife, the ever-patient bride of stinkhead, called looking for him. the bender itself isn't what puts him on this moron list. what puts him SQUARELY on this moron list is him forgetting that his wife and my girlfriend are kinda sorta best friends, and there's no way in hell i'm lying for him about something like that, of COURSE i'd tell her he's still here, cause if i DIDN'T, and she found out i'd LIED to her, oh, the consequences. oh, the consequences. besides, stinkhead was getting on my nerves that night.

3. got a drunk driving and asked me to help pay for fines/fees/court costs. i can't afford it, but jimmy sure as shit can so why rudy doesn't just ask jimmy for the money is beyond me. i keep telling him, rudy, ask jimmy. does he listen? he doesn't listen.

4. ate almost an entire jar of smuckers chunky all natural peanut butter then was surprised it caused intestinal distress. now, i'll grant you, beagles aren't exactly the sharpest of breeds, but almost an entire jar? cause, seriously, there was MAYBE two tablespoons gone from that thing by the time fleegle happened upon it. and kudos to my dad for leaving an open jar on the coffee table like that.

5. at a summer festival, used the portable toilet, one of those john-spot things, and came out saying how nice and clean it was, and it EVEN had a purse holder. when i asked mom what the hell she was talking about, she said there was a small trough right next to the "seat." i explained to her that what she called "purse holder," most non-morons would call "urinal" or "piss bucket" and that i really hoped those damp spots on the bottom of her purse weren't what i feared they were. indeed, they were, and that purse went right into the trash. dad had to go lift a plastic bag from one of the concessions so my mom could lug around her makeup, wallet, keys, etc.

6. ate the last slice of carrot cake. wouldn't have been the end of the world, but a customer saw him doing it, saw his big fat ass just standing there going to town on a lovely slice of carrot cake. the customer decided hmm, that looks good, so he waved steve over, and ordered one himself. only steve had to tell him it was the last one. (steve was WAITING on him for god's sake, it was steve's TABLE.) so he left a dessert menu with the guy, then toddled over to the station and resumed eating the cake right in front of the guy, which the guy found ... vexing.

7. won't talk to andy anymore, is finally sick of him and would really rather not hafta deal with him ever again, but won't just TELL andy to not come in, so andy still comes in cause he's clueless, chews my ear off cause i stand right there at the end of the bar, and regina won't talk to andy, no one will cause he's a jerk, so i gotta listen to him for like two hours cause apparently, every day andy can just take a two hour lunch. monday the topic of his extemporaneous discourse was how participating in a dead pool is so much damn fun that anyone who thinks it's morbid (like me) is a humorless prick, and he was kicking himself for weeks on end for not picking eartha kitt. if he picked her he woulda 'won.' regina's really gotta deal with this whole andy situation. she really does.

8. couldn't understand why someone of the "hebrew persuasion" would maybe perhaps might find it a teensy-weensy bit ... objectionable ... to rename tuesday jewsday and then serve brisket and latkes and kugel. (in jason's defense, we might very well work the dinner into our specials rotation, cause since last tuesday, all i've been thinking about is that dinner. a few other things, i spose, but mostly that dinner. oh and also, in my secret heart of hearts, jewsday makes me laugh. not that i'd ever admit that, though.)

9. showed up for work a half hour late, having already torn through at LEAST a handful of sapphire tonics, then got chippy when i sent him home for a week to straighten his shit out and ask himself if he still wants to work here. (do you, dan? cause sometimes, lately, it seems like you don't. and if you don't, then just say so. don't come in reeking of it, then try to tell me you're not drunk at all. i'm not new at this, dan. i know a stewed prune when i see one, a drunk skunk.)

10. ruined a perfectly good trip to milwaukee when we were kids cause he crapped out the bathroom at the lake forest oasis, and said he was so sick we had to turn around and go back home. even though the next day, he was fine, running and laughing and playing like nothing had happened, like no trip had been ruined by him crapping out the bathroom at the lake forest oasis. glen probably thinks i'd forgotten that story, but i forget nothing. i remember all. (there's plenty more crap stories where that came from. the seven-eleven. cousin pete's first communion. the sears on irving park. the circus. the golf outing. i could go on, but i won't.)

11. refused since january 15th to admit he fucked up the order on january 14th. it was a simple order, how jim fucked it up i shall never know. i also shall never know why he just won't ADMIT it. but i guess one of the perks of being richer than shit is never having to own up to your mistakes.

12. broke a couple rules. i don't have many, but i do have two, and tuna can broke both rules in a span of only since the holidays. he brought in a big bag of fast food burgers, which is a no-no (we try to sell food, not provide a place for people to eat food purchased elsewhere cause then we're only making booze money, which ain't enough, especially if said people is tuna can who can nurse a bottle of miller lite for hours on end, unless it's free, in which case it's chug-a-lug time), but i mighta forgiven him, and thusly excluded him from this list, but the big bag was white castle, and it made the place smell TERRIBLE. we had to open windows and it was cold out. the second no-no he thought was a yes-yes or a maybe-maybe was he told these people HE KNOWS I DON'T LIKE about crockpot nights. now i got this couple asking me four five times a week if it's crockpot night. and i was there when tuna can opened his big fat mouth, and i heard him tell them it was tuesdays and thursdays, but these people ask me every time they come in, and now they're suggesting crockpot suggestions, getting miffed when i don't TAKE those suggestions (two things i can guarantee you will never come out of MY crockpots are creamy beef open faced sandwiches, and a ham enchilada casserole) and they're telling people, so it's losing some of the charm it had of having to be "in the know" about it, and ... eh. tuna can's such a moron sometimes. he shoulda known this would happen.

13. bought a new iphone then asked me for a good porn website (which is odd in and of itself, cause i'm not the go-to porn guy here. that would be steve.) then when i didn't think i heard him correctly, said it louder, so loud, in fact, that the family at table ten looked at him, then me, and then the dad (rightly) ragged me out when they left. apparently the dad didn't want his toddler daughter to know the words 'anal' and 'lesbian' just yet.

14. grounded me for something i didn't do. well, i did do it, i flunked algebra, but it was hardly a groundable offense, and all summer long seemed a bit harsh. dad didn't care that a whole summer is an eternity when you're fourteen, and besides I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE TO FLUNK ALGEBRA, NOW WAS I, GLEN???

15. talked shit about me to the cops, knowing full well those cops are in here five times a week, and that they would tell me straight away. those cops did, and now i know the shit he said about me, and ... if it's war he wants, IT'S WAR HE'S GOT. (look, pal, cops love me way more than they'll EVER love you. because your place is pretentious and cursed, whereas mine is stick to your ribs slop and ergo blessed. plus i give cops half off, which if you weren't such a moron, you'd realize was a real smart move. but you don't realize that, cause you're a moron. hence, welcome to the moron list, moron.)

16. had a few too many last night, then instead of going home like a sensible person, decided to hop in a cab and head over to the tiny lounge, which is my new favorite place, and have like forty or fifty wizzos. i don't even remember what the goddamn drink is, what the booze is. all i know is they go down like candy, so i had too many, and what woulda been home by ten turned into i think home by two fifteen but ... honestly who knows. the one thing i DO know is i flopped onto the couch, passed the fuck out, unfortunately still wearing my shoes, which were muddy and so now there's mud smudges all over the couch. i gotta get those out at some point, some point ANON, otherwise i'm in big trouble. oh, and i spent like seventy bucks or something like that, and THAT was after the discount they give to drunk morons like me. they call it the vip discount, but it's really just a drunk morons discount.