nothing's for free. not here. nothing.

except water. that's free. and bread. we don't charge you for that. but other than those two things, we ...

and if we screw something up, we'll prolly take it off your bill, which makes it SORTA free, even though you wind up having to eat something you don't particularly want. like that lady with her pork chops the other month. you've never seen a woman chew so slow.

i spose if you drink a trough load of beer or wine or martinis, we'll give you one on the house. this happens more than the staff's willing to admit. specially with jason, lately. not even a trough load. just enough to get you good and plastered, then he lays another one on you, gratis, so you tip him more. he's this close to the doghouse with me. THIS CLOSE. (i'm holding my index finger and thumb less than an inch apart.)

other than the above, ain't nothing for free here. we're not in the business of giving stuff away just cause it ...

eh. i spose if it's your birthday, chances are you'll find yourself the recipient of a birthday gift that just so happens to be a free dessert. (this is a good deal, cause except for the cookies and the occasional thing jim or i feel like having a go at, we don't make them. we order them in from very good people just up the road a bit. so you know they're gonna be good. you should see how people's eyes light up when they discover the desserts come from elsewhere and we're doing is putting 'em on plates.)

a couple weeks ago, i dropped a pen on this woman's head that landed ball point first. kinda stabbed/jabbed her, the top of her head. she cried out and man oh man was she ever mad. her table got free stuff. desserts, just so they'd all shut the hell up about it. there was this one guy who asked for a pint of guinness with a scoop of chocolate chip ice cream for his free dessert. that guy earned my respect and my desire to make him my friend. not only for the ice cream in the guinness, which is quite the treat, but ALSO and MAINLY because he didn't wanna take advantage, so offered to pay for the pint. only the ice cream he wanted for free. what a guy. i hope he comes back. he and i would get along like gangbusters. by the way, it was his aunt who got stabbed/jabbed.

that's about it, far as the free shit goes, round here. everything else you gotta pay for. everything else comes with a bill that ...

well, back in february, this three year old brat walked out with two boxes of our crayons. those count as free. also stolen, but the kid's three, so what're we gonna do. have him hogtied and whoopsy-daisied into the back of a paddy wagon? that would hardly reflect well on us. though i'd love to, cause he's a little brat and i know he stole those crayons on purpose. plus he sharpened 'em onto the carpet, and not over the table, like a normal, non-brat kid. nope. onto the carpet where they had to be swept up and crayon shavings don't sweep up as easy as you think. they kinda sorta smoosh into the carpet.

there's some assholes lately who think it's hysterical to snatch the caps from the ketchup bottles. you know how useful a capless ketchup bottle is? not very. but if they're in the market for ketchup bottle caps, i guess they're getting a buncha free shit from us.

this one OTHER asshole stormed in a little bit ago demanding free quarters cause the city just upped the meters. i reminded him we are in no way affiliated with the city and as SUCH are hardly to blame for it now costing four times as much to park on the street. i offered to break a dollar. he wanted 'em free. but like i told him: nothing's for free here. so our hands were tied, weren't they. he went down the street.

last year, we gave away samples of things we were putting on our short-lived, ill-fated bar-only menu. a sunday and thursday, free samples, plates of little bits of things on toothpicks, to get you hooked. that was the goal, anyway. didn't quite work out as well as we'd hoped.

giving away's free. so there's another exception to the rule. finding a lotta exceptions here, now that i'm sitting here ruminating on the subject matter.

there was a benefit thing for the local boys or girls thing around here. we donated some stuff to that, to their big charity benefit dinner thing. i can't remember what it was, the charity or good cause or what have you. not important. what's important is we drove rudy's van over and unloaded a buncha stuff and it was free.

they got a gift certificate too. for the raffle. first prize was a free week somewhere nice and warm with a beach and golfing. second prize was an ipod. third prize was a share of the raffle proceeds. something like the twenty-seventh prize was our gift certificate. twenty-seventh prize is uncomfortably close to booby prize.

the POINT here is ain't nothing for free here, and if it IS free, it's cause we screwed up, or are promoting something, or don't feel like being the stick in the mud at your festive convivial birthday dinner, or can't live with being the only scrooge on the block who refused to donate to whatever the fuck charity benefit thing it was, i forget, or stabbed/jabbed someone with a pen that she thought was a knife it hurt so bad and made her mad for a while, a long while after she found out it was only a pen and therefore posed no real threat, like a knife woulda, or you stole it. other than the above, ain't nothing for free.

until now.

here's something free. it's the family recipe for chocolate cherry upside down cake. it's simple enough, but you can't just substitute a cake mix outta the box, like some betty crocker duncan hines hunka shit. gotta make the cake in the recipe, cause the cherries need a cake that's dense and substantial, but not heavy.

eat it warm, that's real good. the old man couldn't ever wait til it was cooled. he'd hack off a slab, then burn the shit outta the roof of his mouth from the pie filling. he'd suck air into his mouth to cool it off, then take another bite and burn his mouth all over again. that was always fun to watch. him burning his mouth over and over and over.

but ALSO, if it lasts that long, it gets better after a day or two, like cakes do. it's not my favorite cold icebox cake (that would be the apple cake, which is so good it fucks me up) but it's damn good at room temperature.

if you make it and think it blows, do us both a favor and don't tell me, cause i love it and if you tell me it blows, i'll hate your guts for a long time. it's possible you'll never win me back.

CHOCOLATE CHERRY UPSIDE DOWN CAKE

(courtesy of the squirrel family's maternal side)

1 21-oz can cherry pie filling

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

1 1/2 cups sugar

3/4 cup cocoa powder

1 1/2 tsps baking soda

3/4 tsp salt

1 1/2 cups water

1/2 cup cooking oil

1/4 cup vinegar

1 1/2 tsps vanilla

spread cherry pie filling evenly over the bottom of a greased 13x9x2 inch baking pan. in a large bowl, stir together flour, sugar, cocoa, soda and salt. in small bowl, combine water, oil, vinegar and vanilla. add liquid ingredients to flour mixture all at once. stir just to moisten. pour batter evenly over pie filling. back in 350 degree oven 30 to 35 minutes or til cake tests done. cool in pan 10 mins. invert and cool.