Say so long to the Special Lady Friend for the Special Lady Friend is Special Lady Friend no more. That's right, Tuna Can, that's a hundred percent right. We’re gonna hafta come up with a new handle for her round these parts. And since she doesn't like me using her name round these parts, it’ll hafta be something else I refer to her as when I refer to her. Something like … like … like Wifey.

Yep. That’s it. Wifey. From now on, stead of using her name, I won’t be calling her Special Lady Friend. I’ll be calling her Wifey. Or Wifey-poo or Wifey-kins or Wife-asaurus.

So, my dear Tuna Can, when the phone rings and Jason’s not here to answer it, cause he’s at the far end of the bar pretending to be deaf, so you hafta answer it, and it’s the Wife on the phone asking why I’m not home yet, I will wave and shake my head and mouth ‘You haven’t seen me’ because I am hiding from my wife and not merely the woman I’ve been living with for almost ten years anyway so we might as well have been married all along.

Okay? Tuna? You got that? It’s important that you remember this, now, Tuna. Cause the day will come when you gotta answer that phone and I need you to know who precisely it is you’re bullshitting and the relationship of that person you’re bullshitting to me. Wife-Husband. That’s the relationship. Okay?

I shit you not. You are not being shat. I’m just not wearing the ring cause it doesn’t stay on my boney maroney fingers, that’s all. Soon as I get it sized, I’ll wear it all the time. Cause I am married now.

Married to the woman who I don’t let come around here very often cause you guys are ill-behaved and the last time she did, this was a couple years ago, she walked in and before I could greet her and introduce her, Stinkhead remarked “She’s got legs all the way up to her ass.” And King Turd said “Nice cans, approaching from the west.”

So she doesn’t come round so much anymore. And now that she’s been elevated to the exalted position of my spouse, you can forget about seeing her traipse through these doors. Nope. Sorry. Save your breath, there, Tuna. You wanna see her, you’re gonna hafta go to the picnic we have, end of summer.

Oh, no, that’s not why we did it. No, it’s … well, I mean, I … no, no, we did not get married simply to ensure the Bastard Child wouldn’t be a bastard after all. That’s a valid reason to get hitched and all, but … that alone’s not gonna get me down to city hall to get married in marriage court.

(Though I’ll tell you one thing, Tuna. Just between you and me, Tuna. Don’t go telling anyone this now, Tuna. But she’s got a few family members, slightly extended family members who … uh … know some folks with … uh … mafia connections. One of ‘em, a second cousin, made a joke bout I better marry her or I should say so long to the use of my knees and thumbs. Sure, he was joking, but not entirely. His eyes weren’t joking, I can tell you that much. They contained no mirth. And I like my knees and thumbs. I use them all the time. Bending, holding sandwiches.)

Just ran downtown, to the City Hall Marriage Court. You know underneath Randolph there? The lower level at Randolph and Clark, basically? That’s where we went, and seriously, it was like getting married in a sea of Puerto Ricans. All we could see was Puerto Ricans. It was weird. But the judge was fine, he was very nice, only he was wearing a lotta gold and I’m almost positive he didn’t have a shirt on underneath his robe cause of all the chest hairs I saw sprouting up fron underneath. And when he did the vows he messed up her name.

No, he didn’t mispronounce it. He … what he did was fuck up the syllables. I’m not telling you her name, cause I don’t want you to know her name, but say for example her name was … Catherine. Instead of saying Catherine, he said Thecarine. Yeah. Like … like The Karen. Uh-huh. Just like that. He did it a few times, too. But then he went back and pronounced it the right way. He caught himself, smiled and started again from the beginning. It was a civil service, so we were out in a jiffy just the same.

And for the honeymoon part, we went for the weekend to this small little town a couple hours west. This nice little bed and breakfast resort complex thing where they give you lots of food and she can get a massage or spa session and he can have a big-ass brandy in this library they have in the main building.

Expensive as hell, sure, but … in theory, I’m only gonna have a few honeymoons at most, during my time here on earth, so … what the hell, spare no expense, right? Live it up, right? Nothing’s too good for the lady who finally figured out how to snag me, right?

All she had to do was get pregnant. Yep, big changes are afoot. Life changes, Tuna Can.

Oh, I’m not blushing. It’s just … it’s hot in here. I should … uh … aren’t you hot? I’m gonna open the door, get some cool air in. can’t believe you’re not hot. I’m so hot it looks like I’m blushing even though I’m not, cause why would I be?

I dunno, I guess a little. Maybe it’s just I didn’t think it’d be so weird to tell people I’m married now. It’s one of those things I wouldn’t’ve predicted in a million years. Cause … cause … cause I’m happy. I am. It just seems lilke there’s never a right moment, there’s never a smooth segue, and round here, anyway, people are so up their own asses bout their own business that it seems a bit … intrusive or spotlight-seeking on my part. So it’s you and Jimmy who know. That’s it. That’s the list of people who know that the Special Lady Friend isn’t anymore. Wife-asaurus, nee Special Lady Friend.

Oh, well, yeah, I called my mom. Course I did that. First one I called was my mom. But I hung up like the first three times I tried. Hadn’t even rung a full ring before I hung up. Finally, I went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror, called myself a chicken shit asshole, told myself to quit being such a chicken shit asshole and let the phone ring long enough for her to answer it.

I called again. She did in fact answer and almost as soon as I told her, she kinda choked a bit. All happiness and congratulations and she’s so thrilled for us both but right after that, she said she wished dad was around for a piece of news like this. I said, yeah, me too, mom, me too. Then she went silent and I just let her stay silent.

After a couple seconds, she tried to continue but it wasn’t much use. I could hear the hitch in her voice. You know, the halting break when it’s all you can do to not cry. She asked if she could call me back in a bit. I said sure, but she’d already hung up.