I can’t believe I wasted months resisting the urge to get me one of these fantastic iPod touches. Months! What was I thinking. Clearly, I wasn’t thinking, not at all, or if I was, then it was the thinking of either an idiot, a lunatic or someone who’s just not thinking right.

Look at all I can do with it. Mail, games, online stuff, music, the ability to be more organized if I enter everything important into this ... thing I downloaded. My life’s way better already and it’s only gonna keep on getting better, just as long as nothing happens to this here 8 gig iPod touch. I’ve had it almost a week, and I regret not a single moment. Not a single moment.

Except for yesterday, when I was twenty minutes late faxing over a coffee order cause I found this game where all you do is shoot ragdolls from a cannon at these big blocks. I think that was a single moment I regret. Going hat in hand to the stupid coffee people so he could look the other way yet again, cause honestly, I’m late on coffee orders once a month at least. Other than that, though, my life’s just jinkies since I got my grubby little hands on this 8 gig iPod touch.

Makes me wish I’d listened to Coney from the get go. Right from the first day he pranced in with his iPod touch and was showing it off to anyone unfortunate enough to be within eyeshot. Running through everything it could do. Typing on the keyboard with his chubby little fingers, making all those typos, and then moving on to the next part of his boastful demo so no one noticed all the typos he was making. We noticed, Coney. We were just too polite to make a crack about it.

And you know what? I’m already faster at typing on this thing than he is, and I’ve only had it less than a week. Wait til I practice some more. Yeah, I’d like to see ol’ Hot Dog Fingers manage this keyboard as well as I can, all right. He calls my fingers slender and delicate. Girl fingers. Well, they are, but they come in handy when you gotta type on small keys. Which is what the iPod touch has. Small keys. But how big do you need? It’s my contention that we don’t need real big. Small keys’ll work just fine.

Like … these … keys … I’m … typing … on … right … now …

Just successfully tweeted thank you very much. It was so simple a child ...

(…)

See, the bad thing bout shooting ragdolls outta a cannon at big blocks is once you start, you can’t stop. I just shot a few more ragdolls, but I missed the big block so they kinda just … flopped around, as ragdolls do, all the way to the bottom of the screen. But my last ragdoll I shot hit the target. I aimed it perfectly. Above this one thing but below this other thing, so it went between the things, then over this third thing to where the block was. It hit the block. Now I’ve paused it before it goes to the next level.

Also there’s a game where all you do is toss a wad of paper into a wastebasket. It’s from the same people as the ragdoll game. I love these people. How do they do it? Geniuses. Cause they’re geniuses, that’s how.

I woulda never been exposed to those geniuses had it not been for the very wise decision to purchase an iPod touch. Oh, sure, in hindsight, I shoulda went with the 16 gig version, but if I applied hindsight to everything in my life, I’d kill myself, so severe would be the depression over all my mistakes and fuckups. (My life is strewn with mistakes and fuckups. It’s best to not look back.) No, I’ll just content myself with the 8 gig and should that not prove enough … gig power, I’ll buy another 8, which’ll make a 16. Yep. That’s the plan.

God, I love this thing.

I hope it lasts as long as my first (and until this one, only) iPod. That one served me well. Had it since 2004. Thing was heavy as a brick, big as a shoe. But I loved it. Just not as much as I love this one.

(I tried to explain the iPod and how it works to my dad one afternoon. He was the kinda guy who got angry if he couldn’t figure out what you were talking bout, so after a while, he told me to shut the hell up about it already. He couldn’t wrap his brain round the concept. He looked at it then me then it then me then it. Then he asked me where the microphone was. Yeah, trying to explain the iPod to him was almost as much of an ordeal as the time I tried to explain where the internet was located.)

Seriously. This here iPod touch is so incredibly the best thing that’s ever happened to me, by far, it makes me wonder how I managed before. How empty a life was my life. It saddens me to think how empty it was. All the wasted months. Wasted months I can never get back. With what did I fill my lazy afternoons. Reading? Talking to others? Being productive?

Reading gets me angry, cause of the things I read. Talking to others is only mildly entertaining, and even then it’s limited to those rare occasions when I wanna listen to the kitchen yell at each other bout which one of them takes it up the butt. Being productive? We tried that, Jimmy and I. We tried that whole productivity thing and where did it get us? The restaurant still sucked.

So who cares bout any of that stuff. From now on, my lazy afternoon hours’ll be filled with nothing but this here iPod touch, and all the many wondrous things it’ll do for me. Like Twitter things. (I just tweeted again! Right now! And it was so easy! My god!). And I’ll use it to play music and games, plus keep all my important dates and appointments organized. Now that Wife-asaurus is in the family way, my days are chockablock. I might forget things without the …

(…)

Okay. I’m back. I had to do the next level of the ragdoll game. I’ve now done it. But it was tricky. This level, I had to shoot the ragdolls at this real small block, but between my cannon and the block was a wheel that spun. Tricky, all right. Many ragdolls were shot in the successful completing of this level.

Man, that game. It combines the fun of shooting floppy things out of a cannon and trying to hit big blocks with floppy things. (Earlier, I played this knockoff of Risk. It was okay. I took over the world. But … I dunno … you take it over, it’s all yours, you can do whatever you want with it, but … what’s there to do. Nothing. The game’s over. I was reminded why I hated Risk in the first place. So I switched over to shooting ragdolls outta a cannon. It’s more fun.)

I just might hafta hide my iPod touch in the desk drawer until I get a few things done and so I know it’s safe to bring it out again. In fact, yeah. I’m gonna put it in the front drawer, the one in the middle above the hole where you put your legs. Into the drawer you go, until such time that …

Hey! I got an email! On my new 8 gig iPod touch! An official email to our official work address! There’s the number 1 in the red circle in the upper right hand corner of the envelope icon! This is so exciting! I just set up the mail stuff a little while ago and I’ve been waiting to see if … wow!

(Let’s check that email. All I need to do is tap the envelope icon with my thumb and … well looky-looky-look. It seems as though J. Crew has added new items to their Fall Collection. I’m sure Jim’ll be thrilled. He’s prolly grabbing the car keys as we speak.)