1. Watch Friday Night Lights premiere Wednesday night.
2. Identify and do something bout horrible smell in ladies’ bathroom.
3. Talk to Stinkhead bout his stupid brother who keeps yelling whenever he drinks that one too many and then Saturday night, he brought in his horrible fiancé who scared the pants off everyone within earshot.
4. Tell mom she’s gonna like the name we picked but there’s no way in hell I’m telling her before he gets here.
5. Sweep.
6. Develop superior arm, shoulder and back strength so I can push down real hard on baby car seat base so I can get it strapped in real tight so when we check out of hospital, guy who inspects my car doesn’t think I’m a wuss (even though I am) for not getting baby car seat base installed real tight.
7. Install baby car seat base.
8. Finish Madden 09 season cause I’m only two games away from perfect season, and once Pokey gets here, I have no idea when I’ll be able to play Madden again, and if I do, who knows, I could very well be sleep deprived and I would hate to ruin perfect Madden season just cause of something stupid like I’m not getting enough sleep cause Pokey’s keeping me up all night.
9. Flu shot flu shot flu shot flu shot flu shot.
10. Find guy spreading lies bout us online and ask him why he’s spreading lies bout us online. (We don’t have thing on menu that he says we have on menu, so how could we screw it up like he says we screw it up?)
11. Prepare self for possible mucus plug sighting. (Though ‘mucus plug’ has become favorite thing to say. So much more favorite than rather nondescript ‘bag of waters.’)
12. Thwack Alan on back of his head with his own textbook.
13. Figure out way to tell Wife-asaurus that I just spent like two hundred dollars on clothes for Pokey that he won’t be able to wear for two years, unless he’s a gigantic kid.
14. Convince Wife-asaurus that in two years, when he can wear said clothes, she’s gonna be glad I bought ‘em, cause he’s gonna rock the book-nerd look like it’s never been rocked before. This I vow.
15. One more box of insurance diapers.
16. Rank players for fantasy basketball draft. Have draft. Draft well. Gloat to others in league. Begin fantasy basketball season in which I lay waste to anyone and everyone as others in league regret joining league while they battle for second.
17. Duplicate set of keys to Glen ‘just in case.’
18. Dinner with Glen (Thursday night, 9:00) in which I ask him how does it feel to not be as cool as me.
19. Ask self and make self answer why self thought it would be good idea to chase lotsa Bell’s Brown with lotsa Jameson. Find out what self was thinking.
20. Refuse to apologize to asshole who asked me if I wanted to take it outside cause he’s a Notre Dame asshole who lacks a sense of humor bout Notre Dame and how much it blows.
21. Make sure Cheryl understands that she can’t tell me bout dirty dream she had bout me when Laura’s listening, cause Laura goes crazy whenever she feels she must share sexual limelight. Laura does not much care for sharing sexual limelight. She’s selfish with it.
22. Gas up car cause I’ll never hear end of it if I run outta gas on Lake Shore Drive when I’m getting her to hospital.
23. Put batteries in cameras. Pack cords for cameras. Pack cameras. Pack extra batteries for cameras in same bag as cameras. Remember in which bag I packed cameras. Bring bag with cameras to hospital. Use cameras when Pokey arrives to take pictures of Pokey. Do not leave cameras in bag at home. Repeat: Do not leave cameras in bag at home.
24. Find out why crazy aunt calls but won’t leave message.
25. Download some really horrible music for Wife-asaurus that is so horrible I don’t even know where to begin, but she wants it cause it comforts her so I gotta download it.
26. Explain to those parents on Saturday night that I wasn’t staring at their children with a creepy grin on my face (like Jason says I was) because I’m a creep. I was staring at them because we get so many goddamn awful kids in the place that it’s … reaffirming, heartening or some such word, when kids are well-behaved and the family looks like it’s having a fine old time. My spirits are lifted, which is as close as I can come to explaining the grin Jason says I had.
27. Basic hygiene, including but by no means limited to: trim toenails and fingernails, shave, tend to weird rash on top of foot and where ankle meets foot.
28. Return books to library before Wife-asaurus kills me in my sleep. Or wakes me up so I’m awake and aware when she kills me.
29. Inflate big inflatable ball.
30. Buy Halloween candy that grownups won’t like (Starburst? SweeTarts? Bazooka Joes?) so stupid grownups won’t eat all Halloween candy in pumpkin up front that’s meant to be for kids, not grownups.
31. Put storm windows down otherwise it’s gonna be too drafty for Pokey.
32. Run extension cord from outlet to other corner in baby room so we can have lamp by reading chair so we can read to Pokey.
33. Buy books to read to Pokey.
34. Replace all Vitamin Waters I’ve ‘stolen’ or ‘liberated’ or ‘chugged’ before she realizes half of ‘em’re gone even though she told me not to drink ‘em cause they’re not for me, they’re for her. For when her labor begins and she needs sugar, or something like that, I dunno, she said she needed ‘em though.
35. Convince Wife-asaurus that it’s not damning with faint praise when I commend her strength by telling her she’s doing a better job than I could ever hope to do.
36. Tell her it will all be okay.
37. Have one evening, just one evening (sadly, we can’t have more; our schedules just won’t allow it), where it’s just me and her. Nice, quiet evening. Get dessert treat for evening. One of those big frosted cookies from Jewel, perhaps. She likes those big frosted cookies from Jewel.
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
ronnierayjenkins
Jess D. Facts
NoisyNora
Kris T Parker
High Lonesome
nofrills chunky monkey
Salon.com
Comments
R
And did you take every breakable item in your house and store it somewhere? Yep, that day is coming too.
I bet Wife-asaurus has a bag for the hospital too. That bag is probably a higher priority than the camera bag. Slip a backup camera in that bag. And do not forget Wife-asaurus's bag. Not to add anything to your list.
Or maybe Necco wafers.
Glad to read you're holding it together as the clock ticks down on Pokey's arrival.
Call me if you need a babysitter.
Or so I'm told.
"Make sure Cheryl understands that she can’t tell me bout dirty dream she had bout me when Laura’s listening, cause Laura goes crazy whenever she feels she must share sexual limelight. Laura does not much care for sharing sexual limelight. She’s selfish with it."
And I'm not sure what this is all about and really don't need to know.
I would just say that all the people that were encouraging the widow that the time was exactly when she was ready. Well, I don't think they would say the same thing to you.
So, I will. File away Cherl's dream cause it isn't just sleep you will be forgoing.
Sorry if this is all TMI.
That, my friend, is an eternal and universal question. Lemme know what the answer is.
Tell her it will all be okay.
Make sure you do this often, but not TOO often lest she suddenly wonder why the hell you keep telling her it will all be okay.
Oh, and make DAMN sure you do not forget the bag with the cameras. We insist on seeing pics of Pokey after he arrives. Do not take pics DURING the arrival unless you have prior clearance. I almost made that mistake. ALMOST.
You will not have time to shop for coat after the baby is here.
I used my husband's coat for this purpose and it was awesome.
I never used the stroller, just the slings and snuggie. An old lady stopped me in a store one day and said it was so nice to actually see a parent touching their child instad of pushing it around like it was a grocery cart. That was weird, but eventually, after looking around a lot, I got it.
Good luck. Replace the wife's beverage of choice. They will not have it at the hospital and you will not want to leave her to go get it.
But you WILL GO GET IT, oh you will!
I'm jest sayin.
@ Cartouche: say what? not without meeting up, you don't...whatever
Are you and my husband related? Seriously.
Sounds like you're staying pretty busy. Kudos to you for being a great dad already.
don't give bag of wife-asaurus's clothes she plans to wear home from the hospital to mother-in-law (along with molto bags of other crap, clearing out the hosp rm) who will, as requested, take them to your house after driving around for 45 minutes, trying to find a freaking parking place. with a dead cell phone.
Rated hilarious!
Little Pokey will introduce smells to you that even a seasoned restaurateur will find unimaginable.. Just sayin...
He'll also introduce you to unimaginable joy.
Best of luck to you and your beloved. :))
15. One more box of insurance diapers. I remember that purchase. Now she's seven. I blinked. If you haven't hear that a bunch, you will, because it' s true.
Best thing I got for the baby I bought myself, a pacifier clip. Check it out: http://www.surfsidebaby.com/store/SPBPC115.html.
Good luck!
**== Cougarster.Com ==**
It's where cougars and younger men can meet(Cougar is the slang for woman who is mature, experienced and want to date a younger man).
2. Go to bed and sleep.
I'm not as crazy as I look;)
Yeah, seconding all the "relax and breath" advice. :-)
and cougarsissy: you have my credit card info but i'm still waiting on my cougars. one blond, one brunette, one redhead.
and tomreedwhatever: if i was steven wright, my life would be so much more interesting, it pains me to think bout it. well done on the use of the word twee, though. you usually don't hear that word except when talking to someone who's got nothing better to do than think up words to use that are oddly weird, arcane, abstruse, recondite or recherche.
Can't wait for little Sq. (shall we call him Squirt? Let's!) to show up.
mucusplugmucusplugmucusplugmucusplugmucusplugmucusplug
There's a certain intrepid symmetry there. Hmm.