“Is it okay if I go home.”
- You just got here.
“I forgot something.”
- What’d you forget.
“My textbooks. Be back in half an hour.”
- You gonna study?
“It’s slow.”
- You just got here.
“So?”
- How do you know it’s gonna be slow when you walked in like five minutes ago.
“It’s always slow on Sundays.”
- If it’s always slow on Sundays why the fuck do you always forget to bring your textbooks.
“What’s that?”
- You always forget, Alan.
“My knee hurts.”
***
“You know Rich, right? Rich? That guy that comes in named Rich?”
- Yeah, I know who. The guy with the … ears.
“He came in, I told him ‘You realize your name’s an adjective too,’ right? Rich? Cause it is. It’s an adjective.”
- Sarah, give me the remote. I gotta turn up the volume.
“He doesn’t tip like he’s rich, though. He tips like he’s poor.”
- Sarah, the remote.
“Five on a fifty. ‘Thanks a lot for that,’ you know? ‘Very generous of you,’ you know? I mean, you know.”
***
“But if you don’t get him circumcised, then your dicks won’t look the same.”
- I think we’ll manage.
“It’s real important to have same-looking dicks.”
- Well, then it looks like he and I’re gonna have a few dick talks.
“You’ll hafta cause your dicks won’t look the same if you don’t get him circumcised.”
***
“Joy Division was a punk band.”
- I guess.
“They were. They totally were. What were they if they weren’t a punk band.”
- New Wave? Jesus. I dunno. Why’re we still talking bout it. That guy killed himself like thirty years ago.
“They were punk. I once saw Naked Raygun. They were punk too.”
***
“I almost died.”
- See, now you’re just tormenting me with thoughts of what might have been.
“The doctor said I could have died easily. If I hit the building just a little bit to the left, I’d be dead right now. I was like, ‘As long as my knee will work.’ But yeah, so I went right through the window. The other guy didn’t have insurance, of course. Why have insurance. You know? Oh, that’s right. Because it’s the law.”
***
“I had a dog that ate a whole turkey leg once. You know.”
***
“No, no, David doesn’t know how to do his job, that’s why.”
- You shoulda known they didn’t get their soups.
“He’s a retard.”
- You’re gonna have retard kids as karma for all the times you say retard.
“What’s that?”
- You say retard too much.
“David’s a retard.”
- Look. You shoulda known they hadn’t gotten their soup cause if anyone was gonna give ‘em their soup, it woulda been you. So when you bring them their entrees, it shoulda felt … weird to you cause they hadn’t had their soup yet. It shoulda crossed your mind.
“Oh. Oh. Oh. And … and … and … they should have told me. Why’s this retard coming up to me demanding I take it off his bill. He could have told me that earlier. I mean, you know.”
- I still can’t figure out how could you have forgotten to bring them their soup.
“Cause David’s a retard.”
***
“What are you drinking?”
- Club soda.
“AND???”
- Just club soda.
“Never thought I’d see you drinking non-alcoholic.”
- Life, as they say, is funnier than shit.
“Are you feeling okay?”
- Taking a night off from the boozy-boozy.
“Is it nine o’clock yet?”
- Quarter til.
“Close enough for government work. I can have wine … what’s the open bottle there.”
***
“You know.”
- I know.
“You know.”
- I know.
“You know. I mean, you know. You know.”
***
“I knew you wouldn’t let me down.”
- Just having a quick one. Take the edge off.
“Little Jameson? That’s more like it. You off the gin?”
- These things’re cyclical.
“You know Hillary Clinton’s a lesbian, don’t you.”
- Sarah, can you pour me another?
“A hundred percent true.”
- And a … Bell’s Brown.
“I have an uncle that lived by her in Park Ridge. Very lesbian. Everyone knew bout it. I wonder if Joe Biden is in a meeting with her and he thinks ‘Oh great, this one again.’
***
“Just to let you know, middle of next month, I’m not in on Thursday.”
- If there’s a god in heaven I won’t be either.
“I’m switching with Laura. Her Tuesday and Wednesday and Friday for my Thursday. Week of the sixteenth. Should I write it down for you, or …”
- What’s that, like three weeks from now?
“I’ll send you an email in the morning. You can put it on the schedule.”
- That’s very Alan of you.
“What’s that?”
- Very Alan of you.
“Oh. I see. I see what you’re doing. ‘Ha-ha-ha.’ You know.”
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Comments
Wow. I think you're a saint. I wouldn't have the patience to deal with an Alan.
I sit here in dumbfounded amazement.
[[club soda]]
[[out my ass -- I mean, nose]]
Just sayin. I have a feeder out my office window, and this really well-endowed boy squirrel keeps showing up. Looks just like your picture. He's a badass and chases all the other squirrels away. He parks right there and eats the peanuts, and just dares anyone else to chase him off. Is that you? Wouldya cut it out? Jeez, a feeder full of peanuts in a day should be enough, dontcha think?
Good post, by the way. And I don't wanna know about any circumcisions. This squirrel on my feeder sure doesn't look circumcised.
Most of us have some version of Alan in our lives, but yours seems more trying than average. I admire your patience.
GAAA! If it drives me this crazy to read about him, I could never be in the same room with him! How did he grow to adulthood without someone bumping him off as a mercy to humankind?
I never understood why it was "real important to have same-looking dicks." I guess I dodged the bullet by having only girls.
Things to think about before you treat it like a trivial issue like boxers or briefs.
Rated
Geez. Circumcize or not - you and WAS make the call. Then you live with it. Either way, Pokey will eventually have questions. Which YOU will answer.
And how in hell do you expect him to remember soup when he forgets his text books every week?
Alan is so ........ Alan.
One of my cousins couldn't be circumcised till he was several months old because it was "too small" when he was born. I'm pretty sure the teasing he got from all of us once that little fact got out was worse than any teasing he would have gotten in the locker room in junior high had his folks just left his penis alone.
Plus, according to my aunt, he screamed in pain the whole way home from the hospital.
Having seen (though not, uh, "experienced") both kinds on old men at the nursing home where I worked as a 15-year-old, I can say that they all "match"--i.e. look like dried oysters--once they hit octagenarion status.