6:45 – She gets me outta bed to tell me ‘something’s happening.’

6:51 – After downing a coffee, I ask her what the hell’s that mean, ‘Something’s happening.’ She tells me what the hell that means. I feel funny on the inside.

6:54 – Wife-asaurus: “Are you okay?” Me: “I’m all right.” Wife-asaurus: “You look like you’re gonna throw up.” Me: “Sounds like not such a bad idea.” Wife-asaurus: “Before you do, can you make me some peanut butter toast?”

7:07 – Call Jimmy, tell him it’s all on him today and will be for the foreseeable future. He got back Saturday. Good timing on his part. He’s mad at me for waking him up. I’m mad at him for no real reason, other than I feel like being mad at someone. Once his cobwebs clear, he’s happy and congratulates us and all that garbage.

7:09 – It occurs to me now just how little of a handle I had on this whole thing.

7:09 still – Double-check the bags for the hospital. Everything seems to be in order. Changes of clothes, cameras, batteries, iPod Touch, notebooks, pens, toiletries, latest issue of Mental Floss.

7:20 – 8:15-ish – The Today Show, like every morning. I can’t stand the Today Show. Not sure why we can’t watch something of value, like Sportscenter, but she’s a creature of habit and I think she thinks she should get whatever the hell she wants. I dunno. Hardly seems fair. This morning, Meredith Viera is doing some thing at a McDonald’s drive-thru. Not sure what the point of this segment is. Least it’s better than that mean Dr. Snyderman. She’s mean.

8:15-ish – I go to the back room, our makeshift office/den place, to fiddle with the post I was gonna do this morning, “You idiots, I’m Stinkhead.” (I went as Stinkhead for Halloween and no one figured it out. By like seven o’clock, I was really ticked. How no one knew I was Stinkhead is beyond me. I had super-dark blue jeans just like Stinkhead always wears, with a little pee stain on them (it wasn’t pee, just a little vegetable oil), I had a curly blond wig, just like Stinkhead, and I even spent like two hours making this little thing to wear on top of my head. You know those little wavy lines that cartoonists use to show a bad smell? Like above a skunk or cheese or dirty socks? That’s what I put on top of my head. I fashioned it outta a couple wire hangers. Yet, no one knew. Seems I’ve surrounded myself with bigger idiots than me.)

8:38 – Yep. Contractions all right. Not cramps, not gas, not anything other than contractions. Well, it’s happening. Baby. Her. Mine. Now or soon.

8:42 – Jimmy calls from work. We tried two new desserts over the weekend. Taffy apples and pistachio biscotti. Both went over better than I could’ve dreamed. Anyway, I don’t really have time to rehash everything with him so I hang up.

8:43 – 9:Something – Whole lotta nothin’. I do the dishes, I sweep, I mop, I take a shower, I down like three more cups of coffee, I make the bed, I figure out what laundry I gotta do, I e-mail a few second thoughts to Jimmy, I fart around online.

9:59 – Goddamn it. My fantasy football team is winning by eight but it’s gonna lose by like twenty-eight cause the other guy’s still got three guys to play tonight, but I don’t have any guys. All my guys are done. Goddamn it. Plus I started the guys I should benched and I benched the guys I shoulda started. Goddamn it. Let’s see if there’s any possible way I could wind up somehow winning.

10:04 – Hey, you know what’d be a good distraction? An hour or so browsing through Target! Hey, (Wife-asaurus), get your coat!

10:09 – 10:17 – Man oh man does it take a long time to help her into the car. Man oh man is she ever milking this for all it’s worth. Man oh man.

10:20 – This bus cuts us off on Western and I lay on the horn for a good block or two. She thinks it’s sweet how protective I’ve been of her. I dunno bout any ‘protective’ but I know that bus driver’s an asshole and if I had a pen, I’d write the bus number down so I can report his ass to the CTA.

10:35 – My jaw hurts and has for a couple days now. I decide to tell her bout the pain. I tell her bout the pain. I realize how ridiculous it sounds in comparison. I shut the hell up bout the pain in my jaw.

10:43 – 10:47 – Wander through Baby Clothes section. Then Toys. Then Christmas. She feels sorry for Thanksgiving, which seems to have been squeezed outta the picture. My jaw still hurts.

11:15 – What we bought at Target: Bath towel, Arrested Development Season 3 DVD, memory card for camera cause I’m sposed to take pictures at some point of Pokey, bananas, a shower curtain liner, and a big thing of vanilla ice cream cause now she’s got a milkshake craving REAL BAD.

11:43 – Back home. She downs a milkshake then stares at her empty glass til I realize that’s her way of hinting she wants another.

11:48 – She downs second milkshake, and I can tell she’s contemplating a third. I ask her if she wants a third. She says no, but I can tell she means yes. I tell her if she wants a third, I don’t mind making it, but I don’t wanna make it if she doesn’t really want it. She says she will in an hour or so, maybe. So we’re ‘of one mind’ on the milkshake front.

12:11 – She’s reading this hippie-birthing book which recommends calling contractions something else, as ‘contractions’ has a negative connotation. After a brief back and forth, she arrives at ‘fart.’ So now we’re calling her contractions ‘farts.’ Which makes her giggle and smile and relax, so … it’s a good choice.

12:25 – Milkshake The Third. 

12:31 – A friend calls and invites her out to lunch. That’s nice. She should have a nice bit of lunch. Me, I’m gonna just eat crackers, cheese, hummus and a few other things I think we got back at the back of the fridge. Leftovers or what have you.

12:37 – Mucus plug.

12:38 – -Can you still go to lunch? “Sure.” -You sure? “Sure. It’s just the mucus plug.” -What’s that mean, just the mucus plug. “It means I can still go to lunch. You’re shaking.” -I am? “My god, if you’re shaking like this now, wait until we get to the wild stuff.” -There’s stuff wilder than a plug of mucus????

1:47 – She just called to say she had another fart. Pretty sure she means contraction.

2:22 – She is back home now. As she was walking in, she said Here comes a real big fart.

(And just so everyone knows, we are VERY early stages, still. But yes, her pain threshold is absurdly high. She has, after all, been with me for ... I dunno how many years, but a lot. More than ten, I think.)

3:02 – Have entered the Timing the Farts phase. But more importantly, we have no crackers for my lunch. So it looks like grilled halloumi, olives and hummus for me. Sad. So sad.

3:20 – You know, even for a guy well-acquainted with feeling completely fucking useless, this is a completely fucking useless feeling. And on that note, I am off to scrub the tub then draw a bath.

Keep Calm and Carry On.

3:53 – Eh, you know what this is? This is a snap, this is like taking candy from a ... WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??!!?? WAS THAT HER MAKING THAT SOUND OR WAS THAT A ... WHOA!!!!

4:09 – Well, two things: it seems as if we have passed into early labor, and ... uh ... who gives a fuck what the other thing was.

4:20 – Hey wow. Look. More mucus plug.

4:33 – I gotta tell you. If it were me in that bathtub? Boy, you would hear the screams for miles. For MILES. Oh, and another thing at which I am utterly useless is pulling a woman's hair back into a bun. I suck at that.

4:53 – I think we shall be off to the hospital soon. I think. Next half hour or so.

5:13 – Baths are nice. I am not allowed in the tub, mind you. But I wish I -- oh. Wait. Midwife calling. I think it's time to -- yep. We're ... uh-huh.

5:51 – Still here. Midwife said hang tight. Now moved to bed. (If you know what I mean.)

6:52 – Guess who just found out the bed ain't big enough for the two of us.

7:11 – Hospital now. 

(And that’s where we are as of now. We’ll update whenever possible.)