If you have the Holiday Blues, we can help you. If it’s Holiday Blues Cures you’re looking for, we’re your one-stop shop (restaurant).

Did you get dumped by someone you were sure would not dump you? Best thing you can do for that broken heart of yours is to come in Wednesday night and sit at the bar right next to Jimmy. He just got dumped. He is not a man often dumped and has been out of sorts since early this month. At first I felt sorry for him, but now I feel not much more than really fucking annoyed. But come on in, sit at the bar, he’ll be here. Ask him what’s wrong, and when he tells you Nicole just broke his heart, tell him ‘Hey! My heart was just broken also!’ He will then open up to you, unburdening himself, telling you the whole Nicole-megillah, from beginning to end. This won’t help you in the least. In fact, you’ll be just as really fucking annoyed as I was/am, but when you settle up, I dare say he’ll take your bill, tear it up, and you’ll get all your drinks and food on the house. If not, hand it to me, and I’ll tear it up as a way of thanking you for taking Jim off my hands for an hour or two.

We have too much egg nog left. So much egg nog, in fact, that if you’re someone who didn’t get enough egg nog, there’s really no better restaurant for you than this one right here. And if it’s spiked egg nog that tickles your happy bone, we will spike your egg nog for free. That’s how badly we want to be rid of it. Whatever spike you want. Long as it’s not the shelf, it’s the well. We’re not spiking your egg nog for free with the shelf. That’s stupid. We’d be better off chucking the egg nog down the drain. No, you get the well or you pay extra.

Did you get caught in that blizzard and as a result have a bit of a cold? A bowl of our chicken noodle soup should do the trick. We don’t have chicken noodle soup this week cause I OD’d on it a little bit ago, but soup’s soup, if you think about it. Have something as close to chicken noodle as you can get. Tonight, it’s Split Pea W/ Ham or Spicy Minestrone. Take your pick, doesn’t matter which, they’re both so-so. 

If you spent way too much time with your extended family and since then have felt this vague, unseated rage and urge to smash things? No problem. George is in the kitchen all week. So here’s what you do: order a steak or chop. That’s it. Order a steak or chop. Rare, medium-rare, medium, it matters not. Wait a half hour to forty-five (that’s how long it’ll take, with ol’ Georgie-Boy in the kitchen), and when it arrives, it will arrive well done. Don’t send it back, though. Ask for the biggest steak knife we have, then use all your elbow grease to hack your way through that steak or chop. You will work out so much stress, frustration and irascibility just cutting the goddamn thing, by the end of your ‘meal,’ you will be filled with love and you will call your aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces and in-laws just to tell them what a wonderful time you had, how lovely it was to see them and when can you next all get together for laughs and giggles.

Are you a man who, for whatever reason, has spent this holiday season feeling unattractive? Come on in, ask to sit in Laura’s section. You won’t feel unattractive for long. Laura will give you the eye. She’ll make you feel special. Even if you aren’t. Are you a woman similarly afflicted? If you catch her in the right mood (horny and madcap), you too shall be made to feel special.

I know this has happened to me many a holiday. Perhaps it’s happened to you as well. Perhaps you think you might be boring cause when you listen to other people talk, it seems their lives are so much more interesting or fulfilling than yours. Hey. I’ve been there, like I said. You know what I do? It’ll work for you too, I guarantee it, but what I do is I strike up a conversation with Alan. Just last night, I struck one up with him and lickety-split, before he was even done telling me how he reads the New York Times online, I felt interesting again. I smiled.

You might be someone who felt stiffed by Santa, even if only just a bit. Maybe you didn’t get as many presents as you thought you deserved. Please. Allow us. Cause between now and New Years, we’re running a one-week-only Buy One Get One for entrees, appetizers and cocktails. That oughtta help, if you can convince someone else to come in with you and pay for his/her entrée, thereby making yours the free one.

If you overate and feel sick to your stomach, we’ve got you covered. Order the shrimp pasta, the one Steve describes as a ‘plate of food that is unorthodox.’ If you choke it down and manage to live through the nightmare that is what it does to your system for the next four to forty-eight hours, you’ll feel great. Rejuvenated, reborn, revivified. Also, you’ll never want to eat shrimp pasta anywhere ever again.

Are you like me, and have spent the last few days looking back on Christmas Eve and Christmas, wondering if you were standoffish or rude to people who didn’t deserve it? Or if you failed to get in the Holiday Spirit as much as everyone else seemed to? Or if you by and large were an ingrate, which is bad cause this year more than any previous, you have so much for which to be grateful? In other words, are you afraid you might be turning into an asshole?

Hurry in here tonight, cause The Grumpiest Guy Who Ever Lived is coming in to watch the Bears game. He’ll be here no later than six thirty. Within fifteen seconds of watching this guy in action, you’ll realize you might very well be an asshole, but you’re a treat, an utter joy, compared to this asshole. Here’s how you can spot him. He’ll be the guy with at least three empty stools on either side of him who ends every request with ‘Is that gonna be a problem?’