(With a customer, on the phone.)

“Is this Jimmy?”

- Nope. I’m (Squirrel).

“Is Jimmy there?”

- It seems his priorities lie elsewhere.

“Can I make a reservation with you?”

- We’ll do our darnedest.

“What’s that?”

- Course you can.

“A table for eight in an hour.”

- Seriously?

“Are you booked solid?”

- It’s … an hour from now’s seven. No way we can do that.

“No way?”

- Fraid not.

“Well, what can you do.”

- Like in five minutes, but I’d need the table again at six forty-five, or I can do … uh … looks like … nine o’clock?

“That’s no good.”

- Yeah, sorry. Been taking reservations for a month, so …

“Will Jimmy be in later?”

- If by ‘in’ you mean ‘his place in Michigan’ …

“You guys are pretty popular, huh.”

- I’m as shocked as the next guy.

“I’ll take the nine o’clock, then. No. Wait. I don’t know. My wife is flashing a … you know what? Let me call you right back.”

*

(With David.)

- What’s wrong.

“Where Ah-lahn?!”

- Alan? Over there.

“What his ticket say.”

- Is he chicken-scratching again?

“He fucking stoo-pit.”

- Looks like he wants the grilled on the side.

“No. Here. This.”

- That? Christ if I know. I’ll ask him.

“And you tell him we have no sore-fish. I toal him no sore-fish.”

- Since when.

“He fucking stoo-pit. I not his bitch.”

- David. Since when did we run out of swordfish.

“Have one more only and that for Mr. Bentley.”

- The Bentleys are coming in?

“Whole family. Eight o’clock.”

- What do they, call the fucking kitchen ahead of them now?

“And they want points of bread. Say hold sore-fish.”

- They call the fucking kitchen??? And we’re outta swordfish???

 *

(With mom, on the phone.)

“What is (Wife-asaurus) doing.”

- She’s either home with (Pokey) or out with one of her many lovers.

“You’re generous to allow her lovers.”

- Gets me off the hook. What are you doing, you staying awake?

“Sheila is coming over soon. She’s bringing wine and nibbles.”

- Which one’s Sheila.

“You drove her to the Ben and Jerry’s.”

- Her? She’s a cheap-ass. All that way for just a kiddie cone.

“She has a small stomach.”

- Don’t drink the wine she brings.

“Oh, it’ll be fine, I’m sure.”

- Never drink the wine a cheap-ass brings.

“Are people ordering the sausage and lentils?”

- We couldn’t do it.

“It’s Italian good fortune.”

- You need a big fat sausage to do it right and we couldn’t find any in time.

“I know the heartbreak of not finding a big fat sausage.”

- Please tell me that wasn’t you being dirty.

“Who me?”

- Make me barf through the nose.

“Fleegle barfed this morning. Bran flakes.”

- How’d he get at the bran flakes?

“Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”

*

(With Cheryl.)

“Hey! Professor Booze!”

- Me?

“Yeah, sure, Professor Booze, sure, yeah.”

- Now that’s a nickname I can get behind.

“Look at you. Making drinks like you’re a professor of it.”

- If I can only have one a night, I wanna be adventurous.

“What is it. Vodka in there? I want one, will you make me one?”

- What’s the magic word?

“Professor Booze!”

- That’s right.

“Professor Booze!”

 *

(With the neighborhood drunk.)

“Can you switch to channel seven?”

- That’s just the stupid Chicago celebrations. Some horrible band in some ballroom somewhere.

“Come on come on come on.”

- They’re playing next to some bar mitzvah, prolly, one ballroom over. Who is it, it’s like the Gin Blossoms this year.

“I wanna see if Janet Davies is blowing Mark Giangreco yet.”

- Easy, (neighborhood drunk), the whole world doesn’t need to hear you.

“You should see how loaded she is. She’s slurring and all over him.”

- He’s prolly scared shitless.

“Of Janet Davies all over him? Wouldn’t you be?”

- I’m scared shitless and she’s miles away.

“Come on come on come on. I wanna see.”

 *

(With Glen.)

- Oh, you asshole. Coming in here showing off your tan.

“It’s unbecoming, how jealous you are.”

- Wear white pants and shirt, why don’t you. Show that tan off real good.

“You could have gone to Florida. No one stopped you.”

- Life stopped me, Glen. Life.

“Is this stool open?”

- See that guy in the corner?

“Who, with the glasses?”

- That’s the blind guy who showed me his dick.

“What’d he show it to you for.”

- He was talking to me as I helped him into the bathroom. Then he pulled down his pants, whipped it out, then practically peed in the sink practically.

“Was it nice?”

- Kinda like a pink button.

“Bet you got a lotta dick to compare it to.”

- I believe in making informed decisions.

“Has it been busy like this all night?”

- It was earlier, then it wasn’t, now it is again.

“What am I looking at, forty-three hundred all day?”

- Closer to forty-five, but good guess.

“You know how much dad would have killed for a night like this?”

- Can you imagine?

“He would have killed me.”

- Shit. I’d hafta use you as a human shield. Get out the front door then run for my life. Shit.

 *

(On Wife-asaurus’ voicemail.)

- … You two are prolly asleep, hope he wasn’t too fussy, good night here though, gonna do almost forty-five, which ain’t too bad considering, but Glen was in earlier, he was waiting for Erin, I guess, but so he got to talking bout dad, kinda got me down, like I’m in the middle of all this happiness, but I don’t wanna have anything to do with it, lousy stinking Glen, then he leaves to pick up Erin and I’m stuck with all these people, most of which piss me off on the best of days, and I don’t feel like faking being in a good mood and I just wanna go hide, but …

But …

But hey. Enough of me rambling. Surprised your voicemail didn’t cut me off. So anyway, I’ll be home in an hour or two. Which is next year. Sarah does that joke of ‘I’ll see you next year’ when it’s only another ---