Younger Me watches Present Me playing with Pokey on the activity mat and all Younger Me can do is shake his head. Perplexity. Bafflement. Discombobulation. That’s what Younger Me’s experiencing right now.

Present Me thinks it’s a damn fine thing, watching Pokey talk and react to the lights, sounds, parakeet, elephant, monkey and (incongruously enough) spaceman on his mat. Yesterday, Pokey’s favorite was the parakeet, but it seems this morning, the monkey is the one that’s captured Pokey’s …

Younger Me wants to know what the hell is Present Me wearing right now. What’s that?

Present Me sees nothing wrong with a comfortable brown cardigan on a cold winter’s morn.

Younger Me didn’t know Present Me moved to Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.

Yeah, well, Present Me’s circulation isn’t what it was when Present Me was Younger Me, so …

Younger Me commends Present Me for his taste in garments both practical and dreary.

Does Younger Me like Present Me’s comfy fuzzy slippers?

Younger Me thinks Present Me looks more and more like Grandpa S with each passing day.

Present Me loves these slippers. Got ‘em on the clearance table at Kohl’s.

The sound Present Me hears is that of Younger Me’s heart breaking.

The only sound Present Me hears is that of Younger Me talking out his ass, as per usual.

Honestly? Can Younger Me be honest with Present Me for a second?

Present Me doubts he could stop Younger Me even if he wanted.

Younger Me is alarmed by some of the changes in Present Me. Only by some, he means all, and by changes he means ways Present Me’s no longer as cool.

Present Me thinks he’s as cool as he ever was, albeit in a different way.

Then it seems as though Present Me didn’t realize that Younger Me was listening when Present Me was talking to that other dad Saturday night, but Younger Me was listening when Present Me was talking to that other dad Sunday night.

Present Me fails to see what Younger Me’s getting at.

Younger Me doesn’t think talking bout diapers is cool. Not on a Saturday night when the place was wall-to-wall women. And if Present Me absolutely had to talk bout diapers, did he hafta for almost a whole half hour?

Present Me doubts it was that long. And besides, Present Me is a firm believer in letting a conversation flow where it will. Do not dictate its course. Let its course reveal itself in the fullness of time.

Younger Me can’t believe Present Me just said that with a straight face. And while he’s at it, what’s the big idea, walking home Saturday night after only one and a half beers (Bell’s Porter, the current alcoholic devil on Present Me’s shoulder).

Present Me contends there is nothing wrong with calling it a night at ten. Nothing wrong with it at all.

Younger Me looks at Present Me with something not that far from a sneer.

Present Me fervently prays for a distraction right about now. Any distraction. Doesn’t matter. Present Me would even talk to Alan. Alan. A guy who’s so self-absorbed, he doesn’t even – hey. Younger Me. Was the place really wall-to-wall women Saturday night?

Present Me proves Younger Me’s point. Once upon a time, Present Me would have noticed the bountiful bevy of beauties.

Present Me didn’t notice. Huh. Weird. Present Me wonders what else he’s failed to notice.

Younger Me hopes that Present Me realizes the staff’s impersonation of Present Me has changed. What was once an impersonation consisting of one pose (arms stretched wide as Moses when he parted the Red Sea, palms open and turned upward) and two lines (“Jesus Fucking Christ!!!! How do these things happen??!!??”) has now been replaced by a single gesture (a yawn).

Yeah, Present Me realizes. And Present Me’s got a little something in store for Jason and Steve and Cheryl. When the time is right, though. When the time is right and not a moment before.

Does Present Me know what Jason did in Present Me’s bathroom?

Present Me knows and Jason’s gonna find a rude awakening in his pay envelope. In the form of a scolding letter and possibly some form of probation.

Does Present Me know he’s become one of those guys who shows pictures of his son to every poor sonofabitch unfortunate enough to be caught unawares?

Oh, Younger Me. You are prone to exaggeration. Present Me only shows pictures of Pokey to people who ask. And unlike some people, Present Me only shows the ten or twenty best pictures. So …

Younger Me could say something right now but instead holds his tongue.

Good. Cause Present Me thinks Younger Me’s starting to wear out his welcome.

Younger Me knows old people get grumpy so has decided to go easy on Present Me for the time being.

Present Me appreciates it.

Younger Me is glad Present Me still experiences the occasional insomniac nights, cause Younger Me has always liked the stillness of the world at four in the morning.

It’s nice, isn’t it. Being the only one awake.

Don’t forget your little Pokey, there, Present Me.

He’s too young to appreciate it.

He might be similarly afflicted, though, in which case he will know soon enough.

Soon enough, indeed, Younger Me. 

Younger Me thinks Pokey just pooped up another diaper.

Present Me will wait to change Pokey. Wait until he knows Pokey’s completely done with the pooping. Cause Present Me’s been pooped on more times than he cares to admit. Sides. Present Me’s just kinda … what’s the word he’s looking for to describe how he feels just sitting here.

Younger Me can’t decide if Pokey looks like his mom or his dad.

Present Me hopes it’s her but will settle for almost all her but also the few decent bits of him.

Yeah, well, you know what Younger Me hopes? Younger Me hopes Present Me remembers going to Smart Bar on Wednesdays, when it was 75 cent drafts, and Dave the bartender was behind the bar and everyone would get royally shitfaced for like twenty bucks then stumble across the street to the burger place for burgers. No one would be home til sunrise and the times they had could best be described as really fucking fun. Does Present Me remember?

Present Me remembers. How could Present Me forget?

Younger Me can’t believe all those guys have moved on. All of ‘em. Everyone’s all mature and responsible and shit. But back then? Back then?

Ah, the Sunny Slopes of Long Ago, eh Younger Me?

Indeed, Present Me. Indeed.