it is. trust me on this. she just went to the bathroom, she's waiting in line for it, she's like second in line, so we have a few minutes, maybe more, but at least a few, so time's kinda of the essence here.

you've ruined the date, your first date, it's… Read full post »

when did this happen. and why. cause, lately, we've become quite the popular hangout for those whose persuasions tend to the homosexual. this used to be far from the case. last summer? nary a homosexual to be found. even before last summer. in all our over four years, you could search… Read full post »

it's one of those weepy nostalgic days today. haven't been able to shake the weepy nostalgia. jimmy came up to me at lunch and asked if i was okay. i basically said don't you wish things were simple like they USED to be, jim? he basically walked away with a quickness.… Read full post »

last night convinced me of this. because neither one of you can keep it in your pants, one night, perhaps tonight, tomorrow or the weekend, some jilted lovelorn psycho will come in here armed to the teeth with something (nail gun, machete, drum-ful of acid, couple sticks of dynamite or big… Read full post »

This is a first. Since I knocked her up, our relationship has gone from physical-violence-free to one that now contains incidents of her elbowing me in the ribs real hard, her kicking me real hard on my left (or right, I forget which, though the bruise lasted for days …) thigh… Read full post »

if you're reading this, then you have no doubt come home from a long hard monday's work to find this note left for you on top of the cookie tin. you went for a cookie snack and instead found this note. i'm writing this note to you because we can no… Read full post »

I’m so sorry, bout so many different things. I don’t even know where to begin. You’re not even here, yet, and I’m already sorry for the ways in which the deck’ll be stacked against you. You get here, and then it’s practically more or less all downhill. Sorry, Kid.… Read full post »

ME. Hey, you know, I’m sorry. I wish I didn’t hafta but I gotta.

HER. Do you know for how long?

ME. Til things pick up. Maybe round the holidays. I dunno.

HER. But you’ll still need me Saturdays and Sundays.

ME. Yeah. Oh yeah. You’re still… Read full post »

6:45 – She gets me outta bed to tell me ‘something’s happening.’

6:51 – After downing a coffee, I ask her what the hell’s that mean, ‘Something’s happening.’ She tells me what the hell that means. I feel funny on the inside.

6:54 – Wife-as… Read full post »

doesn't make much sense to take 'em out to dinner first in the first place. here, or someplace fancier or even just wendy's over on the corner over there. dunno. seems like a waste of precious time. and you know they're paying for all the time, so ... yeah, i'd think… Read full post »

here is a list of morons in my life. below that (cause i couldn't figure out how to effectively do columns), is a list of things the morons on the moron list have done. match each moron to what that moron did, and you will "win" 200 "lexus dollars." "good luck"/"break… Read full post »

i know you're feeling incredibly irish today even though you are one hundred percent italian. it's the one day a year you can be irish no questions asked, so you're half bombed from the south side irish parade, (one does not go to the south side irish parade for the parade).… Read full post »

hate to break it to me, but ... i am pretty damn not-rich. when it comes to not being rich, i got it made in the shade. all those years of struggle and fingers to the bone have finally not paid off. it's true. made sure of it before i left the… Read full post »

see, you think i'm listening to you tell me what you think. i'm not. i'm MILES away. oh sure, my eyes look all sparkly and attentive, and i'm nodding and uh-huh-ing at the appropriate moments. this is calculated, a posture, a pose. my mind is on other things.

there's dan and… Read full post »

(what'd i do, i forgot something, there's something i forgot to ... something i needed to ... i can't, dammit, i ... cause the niggling certainty that i ... and how'd we screw up that pork roast. how'd it come out tough like a shoe, how'd we manage that, jimmy looked… Read full post »

I’ve tried to be cool, and ‘share the wealth,’ and everything. I consider myself a pretty open-minded guy, and I don’t get hung up or possessive or jealous or anything. I think she’s just now getting that pregnant lady glow, so she’s damn pretty (not that she wasn&… Read full post »

For the record, this is meant to be an annex, and was for months until i screwed it up today and hit post instead of save and preview (i am, as they say, a complete idiot). ANYHOO, you can see the annex link on the left there, and credit for this… Read full post »

judging by the looks of you and yours, it's one of the following occasions: anniversary, birthday, first communion, confirmation, bar mitzvah, promotion, reunion, quality family time, or a parent didn't wanna cook. something too special for ruby tuesdays or chili's or old country buffet, but not spec… Read full post »

uh-oh, i forgot to pick up a loaf of bread for the special lady friend. she asked me to do it monday. i forgot. she asked me to do it yesterday. i forgot. she asked me to do it today (and today is wednesday, wednesday evening). i forgot. i am running… Read full post »

So we’re at Santa’s Village, right? We’re riding the ornaments, the ones that spin around the tree, me and Glen, I’m eight and he’s six, I look over and … and … and …

Hey. Listen, Pokey. You’re my kid and you’re all right and everything,/… Read full post »

you say you want an amstel light? tough beans, as my mother would say, cause we don't have amstel light here. you can sit there with your arms folded in frustrated impotence, but it will not change the fact that we don't have amstel light here. glaring at me will not… Read full post »

The only thing of interest from the weekend is I’m almost positive I caught Alan and Julie holding hands. But since A: I respect their privacy and secondly, the last thing I wanna do is make myself barf by talking bout someone holding hands with someone like Alan, I must move/… Read full post »

It’s early, too soon to tell, and I’m not talking bout the neighbor to the east or the one below. I’m talking bout the one to the west. The one that’s most likely really and truly nuts.

Just a hunch, really, since she’s only been our neighbor for … since… Read full post »

Someone called me Lou Dobbs the other day, which I thought unfair. Now, I’m no expert on Lou Dobbs. I’ve never actually sat down to spend time with the man. When his show is on, we mute the volume. But the closed captioning is on cause our televisions are broken so… Read full post »

you're goddamn right i'm worked up mom the guy goes on some weird online thing and starts badmouthing me and i don't know who he is or anything he just starts badmouthing. the guy said "one of the owners is very annoying." he said "one of the owners needs to learn… Read full post »