two years ago, jimmy read an article in some industry magazine that was some qualitative quantitative cost benefit pie chart breakdown here's-why-they-work analysis thing about how coupons are good for a restaurant. he subsequently (so subsequently, it woulda made your head spin), flew into let's do… Read full post »

dunno why, they just do. i read the comments, but i don't/can't ... comment on the comments down where the comments go. even thinking about it makes me nervous and fills me with dread. (i posted a comment last night/this morning, clarifying something i hadn't expressed well to a woman who'd… Read full post »

we have two televisions, up high behind either end of the bar. last night, the television on the left was showing the white sox game, the one on the right had CNN, CNN being the not-so-happy compromise between MSNBC (preferred by me, the bartender and the one waiter who gives a… Read full post »

i'm down in my basement office, paying the bills. writing check after check, and i'm about to lose my damn mind. that's no joke. something needs to be done, cause you people are pigs. 

$428.68 a day for bread?! what's the meaning of this!? wow. just ... wow. that is a… Read full post »

when people use my bathroom, i don't understand it. what i further do not understand is why people deny having used it, and no, i don't go up to each individual employee and accuse him (or her, i suppose) of using it. that's definitely not my style, and i don't think… Read full post »

it's probably not a good time to come in without knocking and then ask me for a raise. it's probably not a good time to plead your case with me. if you've been doing a helluva job in the kitchen, i probably know it. i'm probably thinking about giving you a… Read full post »

because you look at that empty dining room (even if it's only empty for a few brief but interminable minutes somewhere between five and five thirty every day, you never get used to it) and it terrifies you. what if another customer doesn't walk through that door. ever. then what? what… Read full post »

why would you. we'll cook for you. it's why we're here. to cook for you when you don't want to cook for yourself.

long day at some job, yelled at by some guy who's not your boss so who the hell does he think he is yelling at you like that… Read full post »

he will be right with you and when i say he will be right with you, i mean that it will be at least another twenty minutes before you see him again. if you think that is frustrating, strap yourselves in, for this ride shall be long and bumpy.

oh, he'll… Read full post »

our local chamber of commerce had its monthly meeting this past tuesday. i didn't go, i never go, because meetings in general bore me stupid, and chamber of commerce meetings absolutely bore me off my tits (much worse than stupid). so i send my business partner. he likes those kindsa things.… Read full post »

You did, and the sad part is you don’t even know it. Which is why I’m telling you now.

Do you know where you made your crucial, fatal mistake? Shall I tell you? It was when you thought this argument over the size of your tab was only between you… Read full post »

really, it's not, so what's with the attitude. i don't get it. 

you work two nights a week, from five til nine thirty, so that is nine hours a week. nine! during which, what are you doing. you are greeting people at the door, asking them how many are in their… Read full post »

I'm sure you think that blue Customer Comment card included with your check is useless. you take time to thoughtfully fill out the card, only to have the waiter or waitress or bartender toss it into the trash.

this could not be further from the truth. each card is collected and… Read full post »

i like you, steve. i do. 

you're a good waiter, you're friendly, you're affable, your shirt is always clean, your khakis are always clean and you are always clean-shaven. the customers never complain, and you always show up on time, you always show up sober. i appreciate that.

you're a donkey,… Read full post »

it is not charming when he/she throws bow tie pasta on the floor. it is not something at which you should be laughing. do you see the busboy laughing? you shouldn't, because he isn't. and don't try to tell me that the busboy is smiling. that is not a smile, it… Read full post »

if you come into the restaurant and sit at the bar when the cubs game is on the television, and you are wearing your white sox hat and jersey, i will ask that you not swear at the cubs fans. if certain cub fans take exception to your gear, i will… Read full post »

i'm not. while you may think i am cold-hearted, petty, resentful, foul-tempered, mean-spirited and vindictive, i'm actually not that cold-hearted, petty, resentful, foul-tempered, mean-spirited or vindictive. i make it a point to exude good humor and bonhomie every chance i get. every single chance.… Read full post »

why do you leave the house if you're miserable? i know i wouldn't.

why would you go out to dinner with your wife or husband if you can't stand your wife or husband? the last thing i'd wanna do is sit down to a meal.

why would you yell at each… Read full post »

we have a dysfunctional relationship. we do. there's no way around it. just because i own a restaurant and you like to eat at the restaurant i own doesn't mean we're compatible. look at the facts: you abuse me, i abuse you right back. you swear that you will never visit… Read full post »

i really don't. 

i don't need conversation. i don't need you to smile. i don't need you to act like you give a rat's ass about me. 

i do, however, need you to read the sign at the front door that reads Please Wait to… Read full post »

we depend on you regulars. we depend on the money you spend at our restaurant. but there's something you should probably know. i feel i should be honest with you. so here goes:

sometimes we're not happy to see you. it's true. sometimes you come in ten… Read full post »