6:45 – She gets me outta bed to tell me ‘something’s happening.’

6:51 – After downing a coffee, I ask her what the hell’s that mean, ‘Something’s happening.’ She tells me what the hell that means. I feel funny on the inside.

6:54 – Wife-as… Read full post »

(zzzzz)

What’s that face. Look. Look at his face. What’s that face he’s making. It looks like he’s in pain or has … ah. I bet it’s an ‘I’m gonna poop’ face, and I bet … yep, there he goes, he’s … yep, he’s pooping, that&… Read full post »

There’s a thing inside her. I didn’t believe it. When she told me she had a thing inside her, I told her she musta got her facts wrong somehow, cause I thought someone had to’ve been playing a joke… Read full post »

So we’re at Santa’s Village, right? We’re riding the ornaments, the ones that spin around the tree, me and Glen, I’m eight and he’s six, I look over and … and … and …

Hey. Listen, Pokey. You’re my kid and you’re all right and everything,/… Read full post »

Say so long to the Special Lady Friend for the Special Lady Friend is Special Lady Friend no more. That's right, Tuna Can, that's a hundred percent right. We’re gonna hafta come up with a new handle for her round these parts. And since she doesn't like me using her name… Read full post »

It’s three in the afternoon and they’re down for the count, in the bedroom, with the lights out, the blinds closed and the rain and chill outside. Before she zonked, she told me what a great afternoon this would be for a nap. I said, ‘So take a nap then.’ She… Read full post »

here is a list of morons in my life. below that (cause i couldn't figure out how to effectively do columns), is a list of things the morons on the moron list have done. match each moron to what that moron did, and you will "win" 200 "lexus dollars." "good luck"/"break… Read full post »

it is. trust me on this. she just went to the bathroom, she's waiting in line for it, she's like second in line, so we have a few minutes, maybe more, but at least a few, so time's kinda of the essence here.

you've ruined the date, your first date, it's… Read full post »

it's one of those weepy nostalgic days today. haven't been able to shake the weepy nostalgia. jimmy came up to me at lunch and asked if i was okay. i basically said don't you wish things were simple like they USED to be, jim? he basically walked away with a quickness.… Read full post »

I could leave. I could chuck all this, walk away from it, all of it. Leave and never look back. Jimmy’s got an asshole friend who sniffs around with a view to buying in. (Why he would want to do this is beyond me. Maybe he hates himself.)

He was… Read full post »

I’m so sorry, bout so many different things. I don’t even know where to begin. You’re not even here, yet, and I’m already sorry for the ways in which the deck’ll be stacked against you. You get here, and then it’s practically more or less all downhill. Sorry, Kid.… Read full post »

last night convinced me of this. because neither one of you can keep it in your pants, one night, perhaps tonight, tomorrow or the weekend, some jilted lovelorn psycho will come in here armed to the teeth with something (nail gun, machete, drum-ful of acid, couple sticks of dynamite or big… Read full post »

if you're reading this, then you have no doubt come home from a long hard monday's work to find this note left for you on top of the cookie tin. you went for a cookie snack and instead found this note. i'm writing this note to you because we can no… Read full post »

ME. Hey, you know, I’m sorry. I wish I didn’t hafta but I gotta.

HER. Do you know for how long?

ME. Til things pick up. Maybe round the holidays. I dunno.

HER. But you’ll still need me Saturdays and Sundays.

ME. Yeah. Oh yeah. You’re still… Read full post »

It’s been months since we’ve seen the Fonz. February? March? Late-Winter, early-Spring, unless I’m mistaken. He kinda took a powder, but that’s all right. These things happen. Sometimes, regulars aren’t regulars forever. They’re only regulars for a little while. Th… Read full post »

Lord, I don’t believe in You, and I haven’t since Catholic priests beat the snot outta me in high school. But in these troubling times, fraught as they are, a man like me can afford to take no chances. So where do I turn? To You, Lord, even though I don’t… Read full post »

It’s early, too soon to tell, and I’m not talking bout the neighbor to the east or the one below. I’m talking bout the one to the west. The one that’s most likely really and truly nuts.

Just a hunch, really, since she’s only been our neighbor for … since… Read full post »

judging by the looks of you and yours, it's one of the following occasions: anniversary, birthday, first communion, confirmation, bar mitzvah, promotion, reunion, quality family time, or a parent didn't wanna cook. something too special for ruby tuesdays or chili's or old country buffet, but not spec… Read full post »

hate to break it to me, but ... i am pretty damn not-rich. when it comes to not being rich, i got it made in the shade. all those years of struggle and fingers to the bone have finally not paid off. it's true. made sure of it before i left the… Read full post »

i assume i had at least one in me. i woulda been able to produce ... at least a SINGLE kid. so ... what would it have been like. the kid of me and the special lady friend. would our kid have been adorable and/or vivacious? like the special lady friend? or… Read full post »

The only thing of interest from the weekend is I’m almost positive I caught Alan and Julie holding hands. But since A: I respect their privacy and secondly, the last thing I wanna do is make myself barf by talking bout someone holding hands with someone like Alan, I must move/… Read full post »

I’ve tried to be cool, and ‘share the wealth,’ and everything. I consider myself a pretty open-minded guy, and I don’t get hung up or possessive or jealous or anything. I think she’s just now getting that pregnant lady glow, so she’s damn pretty (not that she wasn&… Read full post »

We’re cracked up to be many things. All of which we are. Not many places can say that with a straight face, because most places will fail to live up to expectations. Our face is straight when we say it, cause we’ve managed to lower expectations to the point where there’s… Read full post »

1. Watch Friday Night Lights premiere Wednesday night.

2. Identify and do something bout horrible smell in ladies’ bathroom.

3. Talk to Stinkhead bout his stupid brother who keeps yelling whenever he drinks that one too many and then Saturday night, he brought in his horrible fiancé wh… Read full post »

at christmas, my brother glen bugged me bout never including him in 'that stupid little blog thing mom told me about.' i countered that i object to the word little since it's over a hundred posts, all of which may in fact be stupid, but occasionally almost aren't. glen asked mom… Read full post »