Author's Note: This was something I wrote a couple of years ago. I'm reposting this as a way to help those that are unemployed and slowly losing their minds.

A confession: I ditched a job interview last Friday.

I'm reaching the stage in unemployment where depression begins to set in. Not the kind of depression where you won't get out of bed or you loaf around in a soiled bathrobe and haven't used a razor in weeks, but a blueish funk nonetheless. I blew that interview off primarily because I wasn't interested in being put through the ringer during an interview. Let me explain: the woman that called me to set up the interview told me a little about the company she works with. They're a small networking company, relatively new. I was informed my interview with her would last about an hour, then I would have to sit through a two-hour technical interview with the director of technology to assess my technical skills. I agreed to come in for an interview Friday afternoon.

Quite frankly, for a company that size, I found it presumptious for them to think I'd endure a 3-hour interview, part of which is to determine whether or not I'm technically qualified. I'll sit through a 3-hour interview for a job at, say, Coca-Cola or Goldman Sachs or Merck, but not for some fly-by-night.

I wasn't sure if it was my wounded pride (having to sit through a technical interview is a wound to my pride) or not, but something made me ditch the interview. Maybe it's that blue funk, the one that's already making it very clear I've gone about 3 months without earning a new job.

I've figured out there are several stages of emotions one goes through during unemployment. These are the stages that one will definitely feel while traipsing through the peaks and valleys of being a sucker without a job.

Stage One - Elation: Your job sucks. You do just enough to keep your boss or bossess from jumping your shit if you do something wrong. Then, they decide to fire you. That immediate feeling of "oh shit, I've been fired" is immediately (within 3 seconds) is replaced by elation. You no longer have to work at that shitty place, answering to fuckbuckets.

Now, if you did like your job, and you were fired, then swap Elation for Shock. But no one really loves their job, that is, unless you're doing something you really want to do, like save the whales, or being a pornstar.

You're elated because now you can stay up late, sleep in late, not have to shave (face, underarms, legs, etc), and watch all the TV you can muster. At this time, you'll have to file for unemployment. Your former company will fight you, but chances are your local Employment Security Commission (i.e., Unemployment Office) will grant you your unemployment checks.

Stage Two - Job-Hunting Flurry: You get your resume together, and you send it out to everyone and anyone. Then you wait by the phone. If luck has it, you'll get a couple of phone calls back. It dawns on you that maybe you won't be unemployed for long. Stage Two also means your unemploymnet checks begin to come in the mail.

Not to worry; those interviews won't go far. Companies that interview you will hound you mercilessly over why you were fired. Terminated, let go, asked to resign, it doesn't matter, you were fired, and that's the scarlet letter your resume wears. As far as these employers are concerned, you're an unemployable schmuck. Why should they give you a job if you couldn't keep your last one?

Stage Three - Change of Plans: Here's where those ideas you once entertained of going back to college or starting that e-bay business begin to become a little less far-fetched than you once imagined. Realizing that the phone's not ringing off the hook, you now start to set in motion those plans you once made to become a writer or start your own business.

This is a temporary thing. Unless, of course, you were actually serious about going back to school or becoming a freelance writer. In that case, you won't have to look for a job anymore, and you can skip the next stages.

Stage Four - Depression: The phone doesn't ring anymore. No job prospects in sight. And your local Unemployment office sends you a friendly reminded that your unemployment checks will run out in 12 weeks. You don't want to get out of bed at a reasonable hour. You stay up late at night, watching all sorts of ridiculous crap on TV.

Needless to say, you realize that your depression stems from not being able to land a job, which is a constant source of depression in the first place. You make yourself all mentally sick for the sake of getting a job, which is eventually going to make you all crazy and depressed anyway. Why drive yourself stupid, then?

Oh, yeah...bills. The rent. That stuff. Right.

Stage Five - You Land a Fucking Job: Go team!!!

Six months later, you realize this new job is driving you crazy. You hate your boss, you're always under scrutiny, and no matter how much work you put in, it's never enough.

This is why I'm going through being unemployed. Heaven forbid any of you, my dear readers, should have to suffer through the slings and arrows of unemployment, you have this handy guide to help you cope. Remember, I suffered through unemployment for you all.