(Ok--so this is a flashback to when I was a psych orderly during grad school. But trust and believe--these things did happen. This was life as a psych orderly. It was a wonderful, outrageous place to work--a place where the clients--THE CLIENTS--repeatedly told me I was too small to work there. I would always say back, "I may be small--but I am mighty."

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Today at work I:

Walked onto the unit and was bombarded with clients desperately wanting my attention and hugs.  And more attention. And more hugs.  And more hugs--my clients act like it's been a decade since they last saw me--not just last night.

Tried to file my nails, as I watched the clients play board games.

(The clients never liked it when we staff members join in--cause we purposely squash all the flirting that goes on between them.)

Was pestered by a football player sized male client into filing HIS nails.

Taught football player sized male client to file and buff his nails. Expertly convinced this client that, in fact, "NO you do not need 'shiny stuff' painted onto your fingernails."

Yelled at the football player sized male client for playing in the sink too long with the nail brush.

"Andre! It does not take that long to scrub up your finger nails! Put the nail brush down!"

Threatened football player sized male client with a writing assignment if he didn't put down the nail brush. (It worked)

Football player size client now believes that scrubbing up his fingernails is a new coping skill! What?? 


Got really really angry when BFF Steph's physical safety was put at risk by an ignorant staff member. Cussed ignorant staffer out (behind her back) in the staff office. Although, if she was in our office, I would have cussed her out to her face.

Word to the wise: when a client is about to stomp a staff member out, don't engage the client in a "therapeutic diaglogue"! Pull the client away from the situation as soon as possible. Use common sense people!

De-escalated male client twice my size. He was caught slipping sexual notes to a  female client. The incriminating note said: "[Anna] Baby, come to my room at 7:50pm. For we can make out."

Laughed with staff later about the note. I mean, c'mon--this kids' room is closest to the staff office. Did he think that staff wouldn't notice if we saw the female sneek into his room?

Made female client take another shower during her lunch period. Apparently, she didn't use shower gel the first time around. When I questioned the client, she claimed to have run out of time. Excuse me, but what are you doing in the shower then? From the smell of it, she certainly didn't wash her hair either. Told female client that I would be washing her hair during the lunch period too.

Yelled at all the boys to 'pull up your pants! I don't want to see those drawers" That whole baggy pants look is too "juvie advertising for some backdoor action" for me. If the boys only knew where that trend came from--their butts would be covered.

Dragged down the girls hallway by moderately retarded female client, so she could "squeeze my arm fat." I'll forever be indebted to my friend/co-worker Sara for that fun little game.

Was fed pie filling by the cottage's dinner cook, the amazing Miss Ruthie. She always hooks me up with the tastiest stuff. Heart her!

Supervised the kids as they got ready for group therapy. Felt sympathetic towards all the group therapy staff. 3 hours of group therapy with the kids. Been there, done that, have the  physical scars. (Maybe it's me, but I'd rather not worry that a large chair is about to fly at my head while I'm trying to process with another client about his/her family issues). 

Looked on as youngest client throws himself into an Tony award winning hissy fit in order to get his way. (I say Tony award because this was a live performance after all.) I wish I could work up crocodile tears that fast.

Received a mental health check text from Steph.

Texted back, "I'm an hour and a half away from a glass of wine."

A couple clients suggested that beatings be included as part of that evening's programming schedule. (Specifically, the clients wanted to beat down a few male peers they hated).

The suggestion, although well-received by many of the male clients on Ward 10, was overturned in favor of video games . Oh well....my work here is done for the day.