The car ride was something I didn't want to happen. The night sky seemed to reflect my mood perfectly: with me in the backseat and Sean in the front seat. I had been dreading this moment for two days now, and if this hurt me this much just thinking about it I can only imagine how this was hurting him. As lights zipped by, I reflect on our time together and then some. Overall, this Christmas is the best one that I have ever had. I relished at the tradition of us sleeping together, I relished at the mornings we woke up together, and I even relished in all the small things that we did together. The play, slowly dancing in our apartment, all this combined is making me feel worse. I don't want to go, and I don't even want to speak to anyone as the car is moving. Our driver doesn't get the significance of this moment and attempts to make small talk with me. I don’t want to talk; I don’t want to be without Sean. I don’t want to be without his arms around me, and I don’t want to be without the knowledge that he's only a few feet away from me. I want to have him all the time, near me, through sickness and health. I want to be by his side through the hard times and I want to be with him as I climb my own ladder of independence. Sure I'm a hard working college student with the potential to eventually be really successful, but I want to share that with someone and I have finally found that someone to share all that with. For the past two days I have been sad and slightly depressed because I know what it will be like without him. I know I'll wake up shivering, and I know that I'll be skinny in a matter of days again. I know I'll roll over and slowly reach over, looking for Sean and he won’t be there. God must have sped up time because before I know what's happening we are at the station. We walk in, tapping our canes. They sound like the taps of endless doom. After we finally find a security guard, he informs us that there is no ticket seller. I'm almost excited to death! I look instantly at Sean, and attempt to look into his eyes. He's almost as excited as I am. We have one more night together!
“I'm sorry… that's all I can tell you.” The old man says. I instantly jump inside my head. Since there's nothing more that we both can do, we head out into the car and oh the way home… Sean does something unexpected. He takes my hand in his, and he tries to sign “I love you” into my hand. I smile.
“Sean, I'm kind of happy and kind of sad to be leaving.” That was a lie however. I wasn't kind of sad. I was sad. He wouldn't be by my side. He wouldn't be beside me at night and he wouldn't be with me. This hurts me so much I sulk in the backseat. When we arrive at the house, Sean transforms into a speed demon as he hastily gets all my things into the apartment. Soon, I'm in and undressed, and we are soon lying in the bed together. I was happy again… Sean scoops me up and my whole world lights up as he gently rests me in the bed. He flicks off the light and my vision disappears. I eagerly listen as his footfalls draw closer to the bedside. He climes in and I instantly scot over to his weighting arms.
“Sean,” I whisper.
“Yes roo.” He replies. I smile. Hearing his voice makes me complete inside.
“I love you.” I say with a huge yawn. He snuggles even tighter to me and whispers softly in my ear.
“I love you too Roo.” I instantly feel so at peace that the whole world places a warm blanket around me. People say that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that entirely. We met for a reason, and we love each other for a reason. I believe that this reason couldn't be any clearer. The reason is that we are perfect for each other. And that reason, I believe, is the perfect reason to love someone.
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irish colleen in green
Kerry Lauerman
Joan Walsh
Salon.com
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