Needs TLC: a dump 

Fixer upper: total dump 

Charming older Victorian:  See above, “Needs TLC”

Close to schools: Reform schools 

Close to public transportation: Under the elevated train

Convenient to airport:  In the glide path

Convenient to highway:  Next to the interstate 

Quiet neighborhood: Sixty-five miles from nearest town 

Hostess kitchen: Big enough for one adult or a dozen rats

Galley kitchen:  So small the rats are stoop shouldered 

Several outbuildings: Abandoned double-wides 

Pedestrian friendly neighborhood:  Hookers ply the sidewalks day and night 

Rustic country setting:  There’s a moonshine still or meth lab nearby 

Watch the world from the front porch!:  Watch the hookers 

Off street parking:  In the overgrown vacant lot next door, where the hookers take their tricks 

Energy efficient:  the doors and windows close 

Recently updated: 1983 

Near protected wetlands:  Near a swamp 

Unfinished basement:  Because it’s prone to flooding 

Finished basement:  Finished in 1963 

Close to public services:  Next door to the fire station 

Quiet cul de sac: Dead end street full of foreclosed houses 

Child-safe neighborhood: The pedophiles all wear electronic monitors 

Perfect starter home:  Way small, with a galley kitchen 

Perfect retirement home: Condo in an over 70 community 

Gated community:  To keep the neighborhood meth heads out 

Crime Watch Community:  Because there’s crime 

Bank Owned:  Abandoned 

Caveat Emptor: Be very afraid