Romance has officially not died. Okay, okay. So the butt plug wasn’t THE gift; it was actually a freebie of sorts that my husband got as a thank you when he ordered the real gift, which was a gigantic vibrator with every bell and whistle a girl could ever want. Not that I am that girl. The reason behind the “gift” was that my husband is seriously competitive, and through one of our more ridiculous conversations, he found out that an ex-boyfriend of mine had given me a vibrator before I left to live in Ukraine for 2 years. It was just a simple little white Popsicle-like thing that vibrated when you twisted the handle. I never even used it. He also got me a smaller pink vibrator which I can only surmise was intended to be inserted. UGH. I am so not into that.
Anyway, my loving hubby found out about this nonsense and, being the competitive guy he is, he assigned himself the daunting task of locating the Vibrator of All Vibrators. And did he ever. This thing was HUGE. And it had this weird plastic claw type thingy on it which I can only gather was supposed to stimulate the clitoris. Then there were the lights. And all the options. Rotating. Whirling. Buzzing. Grinding. The works, you name it, this thing had it. And it cost a fortune. Hence the free butt plug gift. I’ll bet you didn’t know that when you spend a shitload of money at sex shop stores, you become a “special” customer and get free gifts with purchase? Like how you get a fee makeup bag with cosmetics in it when you spend $25 or over at the Clinque counter? Well, welcome to the Free Butt Plug with Purchase promotion!
When I first opened the box with the Butt Plug, I had no freaking idea what it was. We both looked at it, perplexed. Finally, I picked it up and pondered, “What is this thing? A butt plug?!” I had heard that term before but never identified it with an actual product. I am here to tell you: it does exist. I still have no fucking idea what the value is in such a product. Are you just supposed to randomly shove it up your ass when the mood strikes? Is it a do-alone, or are you supposed to use it as a companion to the vibrator?
And how on earth is a butt plug supposed to give one pleasure? Is it like taking a satisfying dump, only in reverse? Is it meant for gay men, or is it sexual-preference neutral? Are there women out there who enjoy a good butt plug from time to time? Does it take the “edge” off after a hard day’s work? Like a glass of Macallan? Or watching re-runs of Sex and the City with a nice big heaping plate of nachos and a beer?
Are there multi-purposes for the butt plug, like, can you use it to plug your ass when you have diarrhea at inopportune moments? Or can you insert it into your unknowing husband’s ass at night when he’s sleeping and incessantly farting and the stench has woken you from a sound sleep and is making you nauseous? Can you put it on your desk and use it as a ring holder? Or can you use it as a makeshift earplug when your spouse’s snoring is waking you up?
And how does one care for their butt plug? It is made of a soft plastic, almost jelly-like material that does not seem it would be amenable to typical cleaning agents. Maybe just soap and water to wash off the crusty, dried chunks of shit that cling to its supple figure when it is removed from one’s asshole?
These are questions for an expert no doubt (answers from readers are welcome and appreciated!). Anyways, I have to be honest with you since that is the point of my blog. I no longer possess The Butt Plug. I was cleaning and stumbled upon both it and the fancy shmancy vibrator. They had not been used and were gathering dust. My in-laws were slated to visit, and I was stressing that if they stumbled upon them it would be a total nightmare.
Then I thought of ebay. They were, after all, very expensive. I was sure someone would appreciate a deeply-discounted butt plug and vibrator. My friend sold her used breast pump on ebay so why shouldn’t I sell my vibrator and butt plug? May the highest bidder win!
PS - don’t ask me for my ebay username – the butt plug and vibrator (AKA “personal massagers”) are long gone!