Do you suffer from abusive loins? A post I read on Open Salon recently proclaimed that the author’s “pussy” was screaming for release. Apparently the lack of release was due to medication. This sounds awful and made me feel great sympathy for this poor soul. I have, thus, constructed a list of possible remedies for sufferers of Abusive Private Parts:
- Try reasoning with the loin. Tell it that you are on medication and that it is not under your control.
- Try delay tactics. Tell the loin that you completely understand and that release will come (no pun intended!) in time if the loin would just work with you and stop acting out this way.
- Placate the loin. Get it some nice K-Y jelly and a fancy vibrator for the loin (refer to my post on The Butt Plug for where to obtain sex toys cheaply).
- Distract the loin. Go horse-riding, climb a rope, or pretend to be a witch and ride a broom. The loin should get distracted and leave you alone, at least temporarily.
- Threaten the loin. Tell it you will get a Brazilian wax if it does not shut up.
- Give the loin an ultimatum. Tell it you are going to go on twice your medication and dull it into oblivion if it does not leave you alone.
- As a last resort, if the loin continues to scream at you, try muffling it with a large, extra absorbent maxi pad.
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DiscoLemonade
M Todd
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Alpha Whiskey
Jocelyn Testes-Harder
Tiger Sonora
Salon.com
Comments
There must be something in he food chain?
Water? Maybe it was mini-pack crab cakes?
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Something,s spoiled rotten on a Lazy Susan?
A gluten-free sour dough bread? Monsanto?
Let's go to New York Opera? Enjoy custard?
Take the young potential artist performers?
I'll buy some rubber baby pacifiers? Sucker?
Lollipops, tuna fish cans, bongo, ay bonkers!
I'd say dress it up in something nice and take it to the movies. let it pick whatever it likes..something sappy and chick-y. tell it you love it. buy it a box of chocolates. that oughta stop it's yammering for a while, anyway.