My cats take advantage of me and I am mad as hell about it.  They sponge off me and disrespect me like there’s no tomorrow: they eat me out of house and home but have the audacity to zone out whenever I’m talking to them.  God forbid if I actually ask them to do something like help with taking out the trash or bringing in the groceries.  They are often sullen and moody.  They look at me funny and sometimes even hiss at me.  One, I am convinced, tries to trip me as I walk, and the other has a dirty bum that she refuses to clean so I have to do it.  I am like a servant in my own home.  In addition, they have cultivated and discerning palettes, and expensive taste.  Yesterday, for example, I had the nerve to give them water from the tap.  God forbid!  They left it sitting all day.  I got back at night and the entire bowl was full.  I filled it with the spring water from the cooler, and they were then able to quench their thirsts.  Sometimes I even feel like the vet is in cahoots with them.  One time the vet lectured me about combing them more often (four times a week is not enough apparently), exercising them better, and brushing their teeth.  Too bad I can't get paid for taking care of these people, for it is certainly a full-time job, capable of taking over my entire existence. 

And I take it, I take it, I take it.  Why?  Because they are so frigging cute.  Does this make sense?  Or is it the mark of a masochist?  If I died, would these fuzzballs not feast on my decaying remains, first lunching on my eyeballs, then nibbling on my nose, and eventually consuming my entire face?  Would they feel sorry for doing so or would they simply rationalize it as a way of staving off starvation before they were found and adopted by some other, poor unknowing bastard.

Thus, I have decided to let these beasts sing for their suppers.  I have perused the Want Ads and have found several potential jobs for them:

 1)     Exterminator.  They are not terribly nimble but they are hungry.  And they prefer to bed fed thrice times daily.  Could make for some mean micing.

2)     Actor.  They have huge egos, think they’re better than everyone else, and refuse to listen to directions - doesn’t that make them perfectly suited for Hollywood?

3)     Model.  See #2 except end it in “…suited for NYC?”

4)     Hearing Ear Cat (Can be written off on taxes for those of you who want one.  Yes, I do read all the fine print in those IRS publications, and Hearing Ear Cats are right next to Seeing Eye Dogs in the deductions publication.)

 Now I must run.  The beasts must be satiated and, well, you know…