Tolle says drop it like you would unwanted luggage...it's that simple...

And yet it is so hard...

You are an intelligent, caring human...that's not always an easy thing to be...As the Mrs. in a couple that refers to themselves at the poster children for the downwardly mobile, I so get your feelings. We both have advanced degrees (it's Dr. and Mrs. Downwardly Mobile) and our dog sitter lives in a nicer house that we do! And, there's illnesses, finances, and, and, and...

Own your feelings, there's nothing wrong with them. I think I was about where you are last week...I came through to the other side by dropping the past, realizing that this very moment it's okay...

Gawd, I hope I don't sound patronizing, because I have nothing but empathy and understanding for you! Hang in there girl…I struggle everyday with being in the moment! Wishing you all the best...

Well, my entire blog wrestles with these questions, and most times it feels like I may as well be wrangling live fish. :)

When it comes to people who have hurt me, I find that praying for them, believe it or not, can release the anger. I wrote a post about an awful exchange between my father and I this summer, and, like you, didn't know what to do with the hate. A friend recommended I pray for him, and damn if that didn't do the trick. Despite his abusive behavior torwards me, prayer released compassion, and that wonderfully ended up helping ME.

As for the tragic, random things that can happen to us in this life, the best we can do is practice acceptance, "practice" being the operative word.

Of course, the VERY best we can do is to do what you're doing here: reaching out in such a brave and truthful way. When sensitive souls connect, there is indeed strength in numbers, and you've connected with mine tonight, for which I thank you. I suspect you will touch a lot of people with this post.

As the old saying attributed to Balzac goes, "Behind every fortune there is a crime." How to let go of the anger due to injustice? Major religions were created in response to this "veil of tears." Billions of dollars are spent every year on legal and illegal drugs used to cope with the feelings you describe. I wish there was a universal answer. I wish my comment was turning out better. Are we variations of Job, a pawn in a cosmic wager between God and Lucifer? Are our lives simply quantum physics on a larger scale, ruled by probabilities? Can I possibly get anymore depressingly existential? Maybe, in part, it becomes a matter of mentally crossing off everything you really don't need. So at the end of another day at my unfulfilling job, I may still rage at fate for me not being born independently wealthy and living in a castle (and let me tell you, I'd be staggeringly great at being independently wealthy and living in a castle), but I get to go home to Ms. Stim , who genuinely is happy to see me.

I don't know if this helps, but the buddhist antidote to anger according to the dalai lama is compassion. I think that this compassion could also be applied toward yourself. There's a difference (I think) between wallowing in self pity and in saying some really tough sh*** has happened to me and it hurts a lot.

That idea that we attract negative things to happen to us seems seriously flawed to me though....did so many Jewish people have that much negative emotions that it attracted hitler's atrocities? do rape victims "attract" rape through their negative energy (as well as their too sexy clothing).

no.

I don't know if this helps but I think the only way to deal with pain is to acknowledge (instead of fighting) the hurt of it. When it hurts that's sometimes our bodies/souls the like trying to tell us we've been wounded so we know for future reference. Our society's focus on "winners" who never seem to feel any pain doesn't help anyone to feel less alone in their suffering...that's for sure.

and I'm sorry for all the hard things that have happened to you. Any one of them would be enough to cause anyone pain. I'm not even sure how to end this comment except to say a positive attitude is easier some days than others. The idea that we should have a positive attitude 24/7 seems a little robotic.

The first step, I believe, is to own your life and fully accept that you and all of the things that go with you are yours and no one else's. After my father died I remember reading that if everyone put their losses and grief into a bucket and you could take anyone's out, you would always choose yours. The point is, we do the very best we can and we obviously can't control the terrible things that happen to us but we can control how we react to them. I know of people who have lost children to cancer and then go on to run powerful charity organizations that help others. And I also know people in similar situations who have become bitter, miserable people. It's up to us to choose how we want to act no matter what circumstances are thrown our way. A rabbi once told me that if you go to sleep each night and first, think of all the things you are angry about but then think of all the things you are grateful for, you will become a happier person.

How do you let go of anger? Keep writing pieces like this one. Rant your head off. Then take drugs.
R

Have you held on to a balloon only to have the wind claim it from your hand? ~R~

Vikram Karve.


An uncle, so the story goes, took his young nephew to find a monkey for a pet. If they caught one, Vijah could have one as his very own. But first they had to make a Monkey Trap.


Tito, the Uncle's helper, took his seaman's knife and punctured the coconut. He and Vijah drank the sweet, coconut water then started scooping out a small hollow place smaller than a monkey's hand, but large enough for the Monkey to reach inside.


Next, they filled the hallowed out coconut with a mixture of rice and jaggery gur. Then the coconut was chained to a stake. Hiding close by, Vijah and Tito watched as the monkeys approached one at a time. The first monkey, reached into the coconut for the delicacy. Having his hand full, he tried pulling his hand out. However he could not get free. He twisted his arm one way then another, but nothing helped him pull his clinched fist from the hole.


He had to make the decision to keep his hand closed around the food, or turn the food loose and go free. Vijah watched as his uncle and Tito slammed a gunny sack down over the monkey then tying it to secure the monkey and the coconut inside.


Several more times the scene played out before them. Each time the Monkey chose to keep his hand closed around the food. Each time the Monkey was trapped and could not go free and the choice he made kept him trapped. No way to get the food. No way to go find other food as long as his hand was closed.


Eventually, Vijah's Uncle ordered the monkey's set free - but the lesson had forever been taught to his young nephew Vijah.

Sometimes in our lives, we hold onto things even if it keeps us from our freedom. We are trying to make a certain thing happen, or feel a certain way, or get a specific result and we end up in the trap. Our hands are caught in the gourd; we just have to let go of what we are holding onto. Another analogy is a person holding onto a bag of gold while trying to tread water. Are they going to die and be rich, or alive and poorer? Funny choices we all make. Just thought this was some good food for thought.

Tiger, Mary Ann, Stim, Dolores, Karin, John, Chuck, and 67more - thank you all for you beautiful responses. This is really good stuff. Good stuff to read before bed. You are all right. I love the story, 67. Esp since my husband is Indian. Kudos!

Personally, I don't know if we ever "get over" our anger, or in fact any negative feelings that we might obsess over. But, I have found that time and experience can help put things into a perspective where we can balance the good with the bad, and not obsess *as much* over the bad, when compared to the joys of the good that come to us. This is what we need, to find more and better ways to bring joy and happiness into our lives, so that we might have something to help minimize the negative long term effects of negative experiences that we all experience.

It sounds like you're seeking ways to change your perspective. As you probably know, a different perspective would help you stop paying so much attention to other people's successes and resenting them for it.

If you go to the grocery store, and you're looking for a parking spot... do you curse every person there before you who already has a spot and cry "why couldn't I get that parking spot?! They're so lucky! I hate them! They don't deserve those spots!!" Probably not, you more likely don't even notice much about the cars already parked, but just look for the spots that are available and pull in to one. So, treat some things like that, if you can... knowing everyone's headed for a common goal (in this case, getting to the store) and some people get advantages, but they're not going to prevent you from getting there yourself.

Besides, The best spots in a parking lot are usually reserved for the disabled -- which is another life-lesson: often an advantage in one area offsets a disadvantage in another. So maybe your wealthy friends can't cook, clean, parent, sing, or make lasting love bonds with other people. Who knows... just because something went well for someone, doesn't mean their lives are perfect in every way.

You (and I mean "we" all) really need to just reassign the importance or impact of the things we're jealous about in order for them not to consume you completely. This is of course, easier said than done -- but if you pay closer attention to times that you're not so jealous or angry, you'll learn to focus on what that feels like, and invoke that calmness when you need it. So, the next time someone you don't like very much gets a break, you'll be able to call on the calmness of the parking lot fairy and know that there will be another break for you, just a couple minutes farther away.

Patience, compassion, understanding the big picture -- I've found those all help with letting go of rage. Best of luck to you. You're way too young and way too valuable to this world to let this get you.

I too have struggled with some of the same things you've listed. My companion always tells me life is based on the Law of Attraction. If you have negative thoughts, you'll attract more negative thoughts, etc. If you think and believe positively, then you will receive the same. It's like attracting like.

As far as the anger thing, I agree with Mary Ann Farley, pray on it. Whatever it is that is causing the anger, just pray on it. You can't hang onto anger because it only hurts you and some of your closest pals in the cross-fire.

Good Luck with everything and keep believing!

The majority of anger comes from three root causes. Fear, frustration and injustice. The proverb "Stand in your anger but do not sin" for me gives a very practical means to cope. Anger is as human as loving, but what we do with the anger can cause either internal frustration (depression, judgemental thinking, self loathing, etc.) or worse behavior that results in negative outcomes like rage, violence and revenge.

About 5 years ago, I came to a conscience decision to be a more loving person. It is not easy thing to do, especially with all the idiots out their... I'm kidding, but really it is not easy to do. As a result I had to learn to reprocess my natural bent towards ranting and raving against life and those whom have done me wrong and instead find a more loving way to express my frustrations. For me the standing in the anger part is to first be honest about my anger. Then I try and see what is the root cause of the anger. Is it fear, frustration or injustice? Once I have pin pointed the cause I try and deal with it honestly and not allow a negative outward conclusion. Rageaholics (which I come by naturally) tend to personalize everything. For example if someone cuts me off in traffic they did it just to personally piss you off. In reality there could be many reasons and none of them have anything to do with me. Maybe they did not see me, or they were late for work and would get fired and were not thinking about their driving. Granted they could just be narcissistic jerks, but the reality their actions had nothing to do with me and I am free to let it go. Those are easier to deal with because they are not ongoing.

As for on going relationships I try and not allow other's actions to infect my behavior. If someone does me wrong, I try and remember that there are times that I have let others down either knowingly or unknowingly and harboring resentment only hurts me and those around me that have to put up with my anger. If it is a close relationship I try and find common ground for healing and if that is not possible I will tend to separate from those relationships until some understanding can be reached. In the meantime I try and not harbor anger towards them and try and keep the door open for future reconciliation. Sometimes it may never come.

To be honest I do it for myself because the only person I am hurting with my anger is myself and those I really care about. If we saw everyone's life behind closed doors everyone has problems. When things go wrong, I ask myself will it matter 10 years from now, then I ask myself will it matter a year from now. If the answer is no I try and let it go, if yes being freed up allows me to choose better options to correct the problem. And sometimes the problem can't be fixed at all, it happens but those are rare.

Hope all this does not sound hokey, because I sense your frustration and sometimes it can be overwhelming to the point you can't think. I think everyone has been there and it sucks.

The older I get, the easier I forget...it's not that I intentionally forget in some transcendent glory but I actually forget because I am thinking of other stuff and more life is happening that I have to deal with...how about a change?...start with some small changes that you think are positive and helpful changes for you...even if it is just treating yourself to some small enjoyable thing once a week like a movie date with your husband followed by whatever just for the fun of it...home ownership is not unattainable...find some good lenders you can talk with that can help counsel you on how you can get in a financial position to own your own home...believe, have faith (I don't mean this in any specific religious context)...physical activity and exercise helps me deal with getting emotions sorted...and music can be very uplifting...

One thing that has worked for me in letting things from the past go, is to identify what lesson was in it for me. Once I "get" the lesson, that type of event doesn't need to happen again to drive the point home.

This can include lessons like, "why do I obsess/stress over X's activities and nefarious gains?" For surely there's a deeper meaning to that exercise, even if it is only that paying attention to an external can keep you diverted from some internal work instead.

I'd caution against doing a bitter takeaway like, "well, that'll teach me never to trust anyone again." If the insight it comes to you framed in caution and reinforces fear, that's not really the lesson. There's something else there if you dig deeper.

Also, for things that left a lingering 'bad energy' thing in my life (like when I left an abusive relationship), I asked myself what I could do to transmute that bad thing into something good for others. In my case, started to teach about relationship issues, not only abusive scenarios, but also including cautions about the whys and wherefores of such experiences. This was only possible, of course, after I asked myself what the lesson was, and had 'figured my stuff out' after a process of healing. But I came out of that process with something truly valuable to offer others, and did, indeed, transform the bad into something good that touched the lives of many.

Your post here seemed to set off some interesting sychronicity for me since I read it.

I suppose I was pondering a terrible thing that happened to me as a young teenager, one that haunts my dreams to this day.

Then I picked up a book at random yesterday, and opened to a chapter about resentments. It said the way to let go of them was to look at your own part at what had occurred. This completely blew my mind, as I'd always felt like such a victim in what happened.

Of course, there are instances where we do nothing to bring on what happens to us, like sexual abuse or getting sick, but in regards to the types of things you mention in your post, is there something in your past that is at the core of your responses?

This exercise IN NO WAY is meant to blame the victim, but to help us see that things don't happen in a vaccuum. For example, when you're feeling jealous of friends' ill-gotten gains, is there a deeper meaning in that for you? Are your expectations low that someone can succeed honestly?

In living with chronic pain, the unfairness of life is a challenge I deal with every day, but when I read this book chapter, it took me back to an event that I dare say has had a big hand in shaping my life. The very thought of it has always scared me. While I thought I had let it go, the emotions that came up proved otherwise.

Could it be that the wear and stress of long-ago hurts has somehow led to my plight?

Of course, I don't want to blame myself, either, for these terrible turns of events healthwise, but it was so liberating to think of my own responsibility in what happened. I didn't feel like such a victim anymore. For the very first time, the idea of compassion for my transgressors entered my consciousness.

I don't know if any of this helps you or not, but I wanted you to know that you're writing set all this in motion for me, and I thank you deeply. Please, please, please keep writing!!!

Letting go of our need to control everything, because we can't, and forgiving ourselves for it.