"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians.

Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Mahatma Gandhi


Florida, U.S.A.
December 31
I'm a divorced mom of one, a self-proclaimed cat-lady, and mildly misanthropic. At least in-person. I'm still feeling my way through this whole life thing, and realizing that I'm still growing into my own skin. I've taken to using this blog as a free therapy couch, it seems. If you don't like what I write, I'm a huge self-critic, so chances are you're in good company.


Theig86's Links

DECEMBER 17, 2012 1:26PM

Evidently, I'm An Asshole.

Rate: 1 Flag

It's come to my attention... today... that I'm an asshole. I know it's odd for a female to be considered an asshole, but I've met plenty of men who could easily fall into the "bitch" category, so I do think it's possible. I think it's a less comical term than a female being called a "prick". Last post I'd blogged, I said how the ex-husband had served me contempt of court papers. I took the high route (or something) and contacted him on FB. He finally wrote back. He tried to argue. I shut him down. He saw the light. Now we're cordial. My daughter (I will always call her "my" because I don't ever see myself mentally and emotionally sharing her with anyone... all I see her father as is just another babysitter... but I am the end-all be-all... haughty little asshole, aren't I?) and him re-met yesterday at a park. He informed me the day before... or sprung it on me, I don't know... how his mother would be coming along. Betwixt my ex-MIL and I there is NO love lost. So I knew that'd be a doozy, and I was wondering how easy the day might go if I'd just lushed up first... but then I recall that I'd have to cross a major intersection on-foot, so the alcoholic thoughts had to dissipate. All booze does anyways is make me sleep good. How in the hell would THAT help? Should've taken a Benadryl, really. Foresight is 20/20. Anyways. It'd have made it a lot easier if they'd all been as cold as ice to me the entire time, instead of just the first 2.5 hours. The ex actually had me thinking he was flirting with me at a few instances. I forgot about how charismatic and manipulative he can be. Also, some texts that we'd exchanged earlier last week made me think that he still had feelings for me. Well, he did tell me that he still cared for me. But just like when I went to my National Honor Society initiation meeting in high school and got kissed on the cheek by a cute little Colombian guy and I misinterpreted that to mean he had a crush on me, I misinterpreted the reasoning or whatever for why my ex had said what he'd said earlier in the week. Or, maybe he was just trying to butter me up so that I didn't change my mind about letting him see my daughter, or maybe also he just wanted me to think there was a chance so it'd make it easier for him to deal with me. I don't know. Kcuf. I wasn't, WAS NOT, expecting the flood of old feelings that'd sideswipe me upon seeing him and his mom (and stepdad). Damn. It was rough. And then what I'd viewed as flirting added to it. And then the chattiness that transpired between the ex-MIL (who I refer to on occasion as "The She-Beast From Hell") and I that included LAUGHING. I just... I just read way too much into it. I feel that pain right now that I've been snowed. But really, I have to be logical here... Could I ever realllly trust him if we were to give it another go? And Logical Me says, No. So, there's that. I cried briefly on the phone with my mom about it yesterday. Chiefly, the crying was due to frustration in that even my ex-husband didn't want me back, who in real terms is a loser... he has no car. He lives with his parents. He works in a restaurant (well, that one is from my mom about being pegged as a loser, but still)... and he's almost 30. So, yeah I guess. But even if he is a loser, I feel like a loser, so I don't know? I didn't like his condescending (yeah, I hate that word and it tasted tinny in my mouth earlier today when I found it but damnit, that's what he was being) when he made comments or inferred emotions about my car and my place. (my imaginary conversation with him- >) "Well dude, at least I HAVE my own car and place. Not a car that my grandma or mom had to finance, and my own place meaning... I solely pay the rent and run this bitch. Ya'oughta try it someday". So yeah, it hit me yesterday just how fucking lonely I really, really am in life. It hit me that, with my daughter being gone all this upcoming weekend, I really don't know what to do with myself. Oh, and the babysitter called me this morning because apparently on their walk to school, little gal was prattling on about how much fun she had with her daddy yesterday, and how next weekend her daddy is coming to pick up her and Mommy and bring them back to his house.... I was wondering why she's been taking the idea of it so well. She was thinking I was coming along. Oi vey. So now I'm going to have to explain that to her... a few times this week... so she can get acclimated to the idea. I felt so insecure when we got home yesterday. I even asked my daughter, "do you still love me?". Yeah, I went there with a little kid. She goes, "of course I still love you!". So, the insecurity and feel of change is all me. I really hate this. It's got to get better though. It'd have been so much easier yesterday if they'd just been rude as hell to me and showered the gal with attention. That'd be FINE. But don't act human towards me. I don't handle tender emotions well. That horrible shooting that just occurred - anytime my mom gets me on the phone she wants to talk about it and it just makes me want to shriek, pitch my phone hard into a wall, and run away... the emotions feel like little aliens crawling under my skin, and I just can't handle them. I'm so intense that when I do let them surface, I'm a mess. Man, I sound selfish. But that's part of the reason why I consider myself an asshole. Another part being how I wish the ex's unit had just been rude to me... another part is how I'm coming to realize that I go about sex just like a guy... just wanna use someone, don't wanna cuddle, and all that jazz. Not that I even fool with it anymore, but just in general, that's my approach. That can cause rifts. So, I don't know. Just hope for me that I find something to get into this upcoming weekend? I'll be sans little gal from Saturday through Monday. God help me. I don't even work then, so that's 3 days of me staring at a freaking ceiling.

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alcohol, personals ads, exes, life

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ugh... why did the spacing NOT cooperate???
We're all assholes!! ~nodding~ :)

(Guessing you wrote this in like Word or something and pasted it into Open....that can diddle with the spacing!!!)
Again with the lack of notification... lol... I'd actually written it in OS. Oddness abounds I know. At least it posted, I guess.