So, I posted that rant blog about a week ago. The issue was that I'd received a court date notice in the mail that day from my ex-husband's attorney, some nameless podunk esquire from b.f.e., who'd really be the only person dumb and desperate enough to represent that fuckwit of an ex, but anyways... My beef is that it was stipulated between the ex and I that we'd resume visitation sooner than expected if he were to drop the motion. This mama resumed visitation; that son of a bitch didn't drop the motion, obviously. I text him on the way home from the mailbox/work, "you didn't drop the motion?", and he winds up telling me that he'd already spent money on it, and not to worry about it because he wasn't looking to dick me over, and he wasn't going to regress from the progress that's been made over the past month between us, and I'm thinking to myself, sucka, you already regressed. So, at moments when I consider what I have staring me in the face in less than two months, I get ill... and then I get one of those blood pressure headaches (ah, there's that dull throbbing) and my HATRED returns for him. Come to think of it, this inches my mental hit list up to 11 people now. Wow. That's depressing.
When I'm NOT considering what's happening in early April, I'm trying to maintain my excitement over getting this place I've been stalking for a solid month+. I got my tax return on Friday, so I was able to get my car to a driveable condition again, and therefore have the money for the deposits and such (it's a rent-to-own type deal). I mailed in the application this morning with the fee; this place is a stone's throw from my work just about, so I figure they'll get the information by Thursday. They say it takes 24-48 hours typically to hear a yay or neigh... nay... ugh. So, toss your positive thoughts towards me, please. I really like this place, and it would just be great if I got it. If I get it, I'll be posting pictures of how I've remodeled it once I get to that point :) I'm sitting here thinking, this blog isn't at all what I was expecting to write when I first opened the window... might need to change the title. Well, no, I'll just cover what I was initially thinking real quick - sometimes my mind drifts to what my life would've potentially been like if I didn't have my daughter in existence. If I'd never become a mom. I can actually tell you where those thoughts came from as of late - this shit between the ex and I coming up, makes me think of how great my life would be if he just didn't exist. So maybe it has nothing to do with my daughter and my selfish imagination. Actually, just yeah. I wouldn't be alive if she had never existed. I was a mess when I went through that separation. Wow self, rambling MUCH???
What I think I'm trying to say is this - I'm unhappy in my life. I'm trying to make it happier. I feel like I can only get to a certain level because of the fact the ex is around now. Because as far as I'm concerned, it's none of his f*cking business what's going on in my life. I really, really do hate him. I'm back to that white-hot rage I feel when he's within sight. Damn. At least I can hide it better now. With age comes some benefits. So, I'm trying to create a happier life for myself. I do feel lonely a lot of the time which doesn't help, but I'm more grateful for OS than I could begin to truly demonstrate. Thanks to y'all who read my nonsense. I often think that if I didn't OVER-think every single thing, I'd be happier too. But how do you turn that off, or at least key it down? I just... I don't know. I frustrate myself so much sometimes. Anyways, I'll be better next blog... because I have to be. :)