Okay, once again I'm in that dark dark dark place. I know it's bad when kind acquaintances, good laughs with same and with strangers (I love strangers since they don't know my trigger points and can't go from my jugular, the way my first husband and my "family" were wont to do.) and my prozac on paws can't lift my spirits at all. Thank God for bully sticks (bull penises) keeping my girls happy and occupied, so they don't notice that there has been no walk today nor will there be. I've asked my fellow old and oldish poor people if someone could walk the dogs for me occasionally, but no. Other residents have quiet dogs and have only one, and my likeability is nil here, which is suckititious to the max, man. I'm really not so horrible. Even I don't think so, and I'm often filled with self-loathing. I think I've pretty fucking good company, actually, but I'm usually my only company, so I'm clearly biased.
I don't want to leave the house this evening, but not only because of the despair and the agoraphobia and the terrifying high winds again today, which cuts off the power and my beloved television -- I've been horribly afraid of big winds since the hurricanes on Cape Cod that destroyed our motor boat and our sailboat and got my father raging once again, bigtime and fucking Portland and global warming have decided that PDX is now Chicago and that arctic blasts and gale force winds are the norm now in a city where it already rains 9 months of the years. And, yes, I have a S.A.D. light. This is another rant for another time but this is a city full of dysthmic people, people with a chronic low grade depression, and I believe that when people are born here, they should immediately be whisked to another room where they given a freaking SAD light so they will, later in life, actually smile (not that awful Dick Cheney half thing that is so popular here) and wear a fucking color once in a while.
The woman upstairs has OCD and possibly dementia and is evil, so she is always banging and thumping while she cleans, wearing her clog-like hard shoes. She is the worst human being I have ever encountered, well, except for Bush, Cheney, Rove and my mother. This wouldn't be completely intolerable if I didn't have head-aches from a brain tumor and if I didn't have massive PTSD from multiple traumas and hypervigilance from same, which is why I've always been able to relate very well with War Vets.
But the worst part is this building. Okay, so this is a green senior low income building supposedly -- no solar panels or wind turbines, which I don't really get. But I do have a low flow shower and the kind of toilet that saves water too, that rarely flushes all the way, and a tiny tiny dishwasher and hempish carpet that seems to resist the Nature's Miracle that sup-posedly removes pee stains. My girls use wee wee pads, technically, but Cocoa is loooong, being part dachshund, and doesn't get that two paws on the pad is not enough. She puts her front two paws on the wwp and just pees where she is. 1 out of 4 times, it's right on the carpet. The stains are just delightfully apparent.
Okay, long story short about this place and not wanting to leave the apartment. I know, too late. Okay, that's funny, but still fuck off. The owners ran out of money so they had to scrimp on several things. We have no disposal -- ugh!!! and no fan in the bathroom but mostly there is no insulation or soundproofing between the ceilings and the floors. So every sound that the Evil One upstairs makes creates a cacophony that mimics the noise that stormtroopers make when casing a residence. This is a rant for another day because it's lead to my being on indefinite probation here. Homelessness hovers over my head constantly. If I lose my temper and scream and swear at her again, I'm out on the street since she doesn't make the noise after 10 PM.
The miracle of this day, sadly not enough to part the clouds of doom, is that the Evil One -- I also call her the Painbody because of those tiresome Eckhart Tolle/Oprah lectures, and when I'm really furious and nasty, the C---face. She is not an attractive gal and never smiles -- seems to be actually GONE. Actually to have left the apt and building and gone somewhere! She never does this, not even to visit her family, all of whom are Christians, which she clearly is not. So I couldn't go out now, even if I weren't in darkness, because this is a relief beyond words. Get this, guys, I wear earplugs, giant cushy headphones over them, crank up my white noise machine and my tv and still hear CF! Because there is no insulation! This is my personal hell on earth, and it's been horrible the past few days -- the OCD has been out of control.
It's bizarre, and will be funny with time -- tragedy plus time equals comedy is the way it usually goes for me -- what can be the last straw that spirals someone down into a bad depression. The black dog was already chasing me down and then I did that most idiotic of things. I weighed myself and then looked in the mirror. I know, I know, if only I could powerwalk/chase down the black dog and get those endorphins cooking, this wouldn't even be an issue. But my bipolar 2 meds have caused me to gain 13 of the 20 pounds I worked so hard to lose, eating exactly what I wanted throughout the day, in moderation. I've been doing the same thing, but now my metabolism is apparently slothful. In the past week or so, I used some anti-aging stuff I got on Ebay and it has caused a full face outbreak of acne that brings up all my teenage pain and angst. Sunlamps don't work if everyone starts calling you Pocahontas.
So I'm fat again, with a face full of giant zits. I'm really not that vain, but my thing has always been, even at this older age, that I'm cute and look younger and wear hip glasses so the young people like me. I'm able to take this in when I'm not in despair, but right now the biochemistry is terribly awry and I can't bear to look at myself or to feel the way I feel now in my clothes. Note to others who struggle with weight issues and the related loss of self-esteem: even if you are agoraphobic like me, do not live in sleep pants with elastic waistbands. They cause you to think that you're doing fine when you are NOT.
My brain is running out of steam and I'm know I'm so fucking boring, but I do need to talk a bit about the physical things going on that aren't my freaked up biochemistry. I live with fevers and swollen glands and that logy feeling every day, some immune system problem, oh, and then there is the constant full body pain. But then there are weeks when it accelerates and I just feel like I want to cash in my chips. This is such a week. There is more I want/need to explain here but it's too complicated for now: severe allergy to dust mites plus too tired to clean or vacuum or do laundry equals not a pretty picture. So daily I'm making myself sicker.
I always have terminal TMJ, which is worse since Cocoa ate my $600 nightguard which I got back when Richard and I made money. So I've been nightguardless for 3.5 years now and constantly chew Trident so my teeth can't settle into the grinding mode. Well, the past few days, the right side of my jaw is out and painful and since that goddamn jawbone is connected with my spinal column, my freaking body is out of alignment and no chiropractors around here take Medicare. Plus they are major major assholes. Probably have back pain themselves.
So I'm chemically challenged, fat, lonely, acne-covered, in great pain, feverish, haunted by a clog-wearing OCD spawn of Satan and terminally TMJ'd right now. And feeling invisible on OS for no real reason except that I'm fucking clinically depressed and watching others get a ton of attention for their brilliant work and I'm sick with envy.
Anyone who reads me knows that I'm usually able to see the humor in almost anything. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, if you have any words of comfort and joy, please share them with me and/or if you have depressive episodes yourself or are filled with self-hatred/harsh self-judgment, please tell me what works for you, to boost you out of the black hole.
I'm desperate to feel okay for at least a part of the Painbody's gift from God absense, not to mention, well, feeling okay in my Life.
Love and Gratitude to all,
Teddy/Theo/Her Royal Pain in the Ass and the Wonderpups
BTW, as a recovering asshole, I'm asking you to PLEASE RATE THIS post. Even when I'm deeply depressed, I do not stop being an attention whore.
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Comments
That's WAY too many things to be going wrong at once...
I'm not familiar with the extent of your agoraphobia, but is there any way you can get out for awhile? I mean even in winter there is SOME natural light in Portland... it's actually pretty nice there (compared to here, where it's 6 degrees).
Walking or just doing some kind of exercise is one of the best natural antidepressants there is, and natural light resets your brain chemistry.
You gotta get out of the spiral. Write, and talk, but moving is going to be one of the best and most therapeutic things you can do...
(this coming from someone who spent most of yesterday in a black hole... my hour run today made me feel so much better!)
As to the acne.... There is NOTHING WORSE than having a breakout!!! AUGH!
I don't know if I've made you feel better, but I'm here... you reached out, you found someone, and that means you're not alone.
And you arent' invisible at all on OS! It is just Sunday and the OS house is usually quiet Sunday evenings. You aren't alone either. Just keep remembering that. And try to tell all those negative thoughts to go to their room, at least for the night, and leave you alone.
Thinking about you -sending good thoughts and a good night's sleep!
You are certainly not alone ... not here!!!
science and sally, you are both so kind and so right about getting moving. it's the last thing i want to do, and i fear being more aware of my extra fat, but I will put my cd player on and dance around. great great tip!!
And L&P, thank you for saying i'm not invisible and reminding me it's Sunday night. of course it's quiet.
wow, i feel comforted already. but, truthfully, was this the most boring and self-pitying post ever? :)
if it's any comfort to you, me reading the hugely unfair amount of things you're having to deal with has made me realize that i've got nothing to worry about at all by comparison, no problems at all. so, see, you've helped me just by being yourself and by writing this post. i should be sending you a check for the session. you're my new therapist!
i wish i could take some of your problems for you; i would in a heartbeat. all i can really do for now though (and i know it's cheesy) is just say that i hope tomorrow's better for you. hang in there friend.
love love love love and huge gratitude!!
ted/theo and wondergirls
thank you more than words can say!!
That mouth guard thing makes me nuts. I was held hostage by my old dentist. She essentially withheld services until I got a $500 guard. She was convinced that I must grind my teeth. I don't - the wear she was seeing was from years of my clenching my teeth, a habit I stopped about ten years ago.
They have some affordable alternatives now. I'd hot link here, but as we know, that doesn't work anymore. If you go to Target.com and put in "night guard" for a search term, you'll see some options. I know a few people that have used those things with good results. One of my friends swears that the do it yourself one feels better than the expensive one she got from her dentist.
I'll be thinking good thoughts and sending them - for what it's worth.
You've gotten some good suggestions. Try to force yourself to take the dogs for a walk tomorrow. You all will be happier---even if it is just down the street or around the block. I know it's tough, but try.
Try to cheer up. It's almost Tuesday.
tequila: that is great advice about target and the alternatives. i tried two in the past and they didn't work out, but, as my jewish relatives used to say, ya nevah know. thank you for sharing!!
m.a.h. -- you're right about getting the pups out. the problem is this freaking wind that makes it freezing here. but i can at least get them to a store where we can walk around. they love shopping and can do that with me, being service dogs and all.
lea -- you are so kind to say that i'm visible on here. i do need to get some perspective and remember how safe this place is and how generous so many of you are with your time and brilliance.
...The pangs of your sadness
Shall pass as your senses will rise.
The flowers of the city
Though breathlike, get deathlike at times.
And there's no use in tryin'
T' deal with the dyin',
Though I cannot explain that in lines.
...But it grieves my heart, love,
To see you tryin' to be a part of
A world that just don't exist.
It's all just a dream, babe,
A vacuum, a scheme, babe,
That sucks you into feelin' like this.
I can see that your head
Has been twisted and fed
By worthless foam from the mouth.
I can tell you are torn
Between stayin' and returnin'
On back to the South.
You've been fooled into thinking
That the finishin' end is at hand.
Yet there's no one to beat you,
No one t' defeat you,
'Cept the thoughts of yourself feeling bad.
To me, he's just trying to say that depression will pass and things that seemed impossible are actually possible and, in the meantime, be good to yourself. Love yourself.
See, you look like a teen again! And pimples to fuss over!
What could be better. See? Isn't your evening brighter now?
(I'll leave quietly)
Rated already.
natalie b -- i love that you're already living in tomorrow and that it's wonderful. so sweet and gives me hope.
dakini -- when you have wrinkles and rosacea with your acne, you don't look like a teen. you look like an aged pizza face. something is very wrong. this shit will not go away. now i have zits along my chin line and below. there are some things a scarf just cannot cover. not even concealer.
the worst of it is that usually have nowhere to go but tuesday, there's an inaugural bash here on tuesday night and then a roe v wade anniversay party on thursday night and i'm fat and acne covered and poor with nothing to wear. right now, i am delighted that people don't care about fashion here. if i can get to both or either -- can't bring the pups when there is loud loud music, i'll just wear jeans and a low cut top. i still have great boobs, as long as they are hoisted way up with underwire.
love and gratitude.
Hope some dark humor has its intended effect. If it's any comfort, you aren't the only one to sit stupidly staring at your blog awaiting responses.
"Where is everybody? Why isn't anyone reading me? Have they all forgotten about me? Was there a nuclear explosion I don't know about."
I know someone who does that.
You are a fucking trooper. (Pardon my french. Another part of being an asshole) But seriously, with all the stuff you've got going on I'm amazed at how well you can write about it and describe it. Just keep on truckin, girl. It must be hard, especially to work against your own body and mind. I can't even imagine. You've got my support.
And now I must ask. Where the hell are you buying bull peni at? I
http://open.salon.com/content.php?cid=81245
http://open.salon.com/content.php?cid=55940
The agoraphobia, too, is a demon I have met, though only through a dear friend, who spent the almost all of the latter half of his twenties in a one-bedroom apartment (this was pre-internet, pre-email...)
I can offer only understanding and compassion, as I don't think I can pretend to offer anything in the way of concrete solutions. As such, please accept an offering of virtual gentle hugs and kind thoughts.
(And if you're on Facebook and play Scrabble in some fashion, send me a message...you sound like you'd play a great game!)
At his website, Dr. Andrew Weil writes about agoraphobia, which he says is an extreme panic attack, and recommends: "Breathing exercises. One of the best single anti-anxiety measures, controlling breathing and breath work can offer an immediate lessening of symptoms."
Here are two of his CDs. I find the help unbelievable helpful and assume the second is, too:
- Sound Body, Sound Mind: Music for Healing by Andrew Weil (Audio CD - May 24, 2005)
- Breathing: The Master Key to Self Healing (The Self Healing Series) by Andrew Weil (Audio CD - Feb 8, 2000) - Audiobook
Along with all the other good advice already in the comments, you should try Mumbletypeg's carrot-top garden idea. A bit of green growing on my counter is making me smile, in spite of the bills and the mess and the other things that could get me down.
www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=187616&catid=1152
www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=165358&catid=1152
You need a hot bath, a glass of wine, some confort food and a great book (go for a cheesy romance novel) and cuddle with those Pups!
That always helps me with things get to "heavy" to deal with.
Rated cuz I know where you've been.
1. Lots of people have commented here. You may be many things, but invisible is definitely not one of them! Take heart that people care on OS for Theo.
2. I have had my own struggles with the demon of depression. The best antidote: DO. Stop thinking, get out of my head and DO. Dance, walk, paint, write, write a note to a friend, call a friend, actually, action is often better than talking about all my problems. Releasing through action somehow works.
3. I still have acne, was on major acne medication all through teen years. I UNDERSTAND. But remember, your beautiful spirit shines through your eyes and heart when you walk into a room. And anyone who cares about zits doesn't matter anyway.
4. Be Good to You. And being good means compassion, and gentleness, and good food, rest and movement. Really.
5. You are Brilliant, Theo! So this will pass, and shake those boobies in the meantime!
I'm telling you this, so you perhaps won't feel so isolated... there are lots of others with mood disorders. My sister, who lives overseas, has bipolar disorder. She came here a little over a year ago, when my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer... and in 2 weeks she had full-blown mania (not hypomania, but the full-blown thing) and had to be hospitalized for several weeks, while our mother was dying.
The weird thing is, my other sister and I have noticed that the only time she is able to be truly honest about her life, the only time she opens up, is when she is in a manic state. Everyone feels her husband is emotionally abusive, he is really a miserable, miserable person. But anyhow, she is just so out of touch with her emotions and her feelings, it is so sad.
So, you have that going for you, gal: Your ability to open up.
I agree with the dancing and music and exercise. Just make sure that the music is happy music and upbeat. I can get in a worse funk if I put on some downer, sad music.
Can you get indoors somewhere to exercise you and your dogs? A mall, or some other indoor spot? Can you get to a plant store to 'smell the roses', so to speak? I find it encouraging in winter to smell all that fresh greenery. Is there a cozy neighbourhood bookstore or coffeeshop or library? Would your agoraphobia permit you to be by yourself, but surrounded by other people in those settings, just to get out?
A very dear friend of mine works in Vancouver at a special neighbourhood community place. Their clients are all low-income, and they find special services to meet the client's needs. Sometimes, there is a lot available in a community, but it is hard to access it yourself, especially when you are feeling so depressed. So, do you have a social worker who can advocate on your behalf, and perhaps turn you on to a place like that, or other resources?
plus i'm terrified beyond words of major winds and they are still doing their thing and it's freezing here. the agoraphobia is worse and there is a light on my dashboard that keeps lighting up and i don't know what it is. never mind, i'm just overwhelmed with everything now.
rick -- thank you for the comforting words and the encouragement. you are a sweetheart of a man.
jimmymac -- love the Lincoln thing, i use that a lot. and for sharing your experience, which makes me feel like alone.
corgi -- thanks for the pep talk. you rock.
mungular -- im' so grateful to know another self-professed asshole on here! and i swear like a sailor so no problem. i get bully sticks (bull penii) at my local food coop and at good pet stores. the puppies love love love them. does your doggies chew on them? i'm still dying for you to look at my dog photos since you have a great pup too.
greg -- i may well message you, dude. and will look at your links. feels like nothing is going my way. missed the lincoln concert yesterday. monte's mention of me brought no one to read my pieces. you know the drill. the in massive pain and heartsick polka. you are the one with the full plate, man. thank you!! monte hasn't read this or posted. i think he's sick of me.
carol -- oh, so you know bipolar also. this is bipolar 2, no psychosis. and there are no home services for me. not poor enough or bedbound. as for groups? well, been there done that but will maybe try again. leaving the house is a bitch for me, etc.
wordsmith -- i'm sorry that you know fibro and agoraphobia too. i have fibro and cfs and something else i can't spell. thank you for helping me feel less alone.
i've fun out of steam and will finish later. i love all of you for reaching out. hayley, i love dr. weil and know all about breathing. it helps vastly with panic but not with depression. he's a doll and so are you.
Now on a whimsical note - I've never know anyone named Theodora, but your name reminds me of a delightful old (1936) movie called "Theodora Goes Wild" with Irene Dunne. If you like old movies, you can find it occasionally on TCM.