okay, you have to understand that not only am i 56, i'm also undergoing radiation therapy for my benign brain tumor, george. so everything yucky that can be exacerbated by tumor treatment has been: acne, rosacea, dandruff, body pain, etc. plus i've gained 15 lbs from my bipolar 2 meds and don't see an end in sight, but what i was not factoring in is that Baby's Really got Back now.

i have to go to the pharmacy because portland, oregon fucking sucks and there is no delivery here, except pizza. in so. this was not true, but this is part of an i hate portland rant for another time. so i decide to bundle my errands given my depleted state, and i go to the library where 3 books are being held and, finally and thankfully, arte lange's Too Fat To Fish is mine!! yes, i'm part idiot. so sue me.

next stop is the gas station. something was blinking furiously on my dashboard, and i was completely terrified because i feared it was something expensive, and i am very low income and extremely dependent on my aged automobile Arianne. so i had stopped by said station and the lovely young man there had told me it was just the radiator needing more anti-freeze. whew and thank you so much. now i had the liquid but it came in an enormous container and i couldn't lift it to pour it into the radiator.

hence, the second station stop. the young man spotted me immediately even though i didn't pull into a pump but over to the side. he came right over, ignoring someone waiting for gas. i told him about the huge bottle and he immediately opened the, shit, this is what i hate about having a brain tumor, thing that covers the front of the car and poured in the anti-freeze. we chatted a little bit about tv and how we both loved all the Law and Order shows and he, out of the blue, said let me give you my number, then rushed to get it and give it to me.

i was so flumoxed, is that a word?, that i muttered, i have a brain tumor and i'm in radiation therapy, wanting to tell him without telling him that i have no libido whatsoever. he shrugged and said okay, and i drove off.

now, not only could i have given birth to this guy, see my rules in "Losing my Looks/I was a 'ho, parts one and two, but the only thing we had in common was a law and order jones. he is very cute, of course, and only a little bit gangsta with Phat Farm jeans that are a bit baggy but no underwear showing that i could see. i asked him about apple jeans to show that i was a little bit hip and in the know. sad, i know.

I've been a widow now for at least 5 years -- i think. i'm very very bad with time these days. and i have only had two horrific online originated dates since them. plus i experience what many older gals do, which is that i'm pretty much invisible, except for my wonderpups, ella mae fitzgerald and cocoa chanel, who are the main attraction. so the idea that someone male, anyone, male could be drawn to me really freaked me out.

What the hell do i do, folks? does this guy want to be friends or is this a booty call thing or is it a dating type thing? i'm completely socially inept now, my brain being differently abled and my having had a great marriage and no desires at all, given the ssri's and the radio treatments. god, i wish so much that i could transport myself back to my days of being a 'ho in hell lay and then in my early 40s when my libido went into high gear from the hormone changes. it would all be so simple. coffee or dinner and then wild or not so wild sex, satisfying or not, depending on the guy's interest in all things oral. but i'm not in my 30s anymore so i have to work with the lack of sex drive and hope that maybe it can be rebooted when and if i meet the right person.

please help me here. do i call this guy? i'd love to have a male companion with whom to have a beer once in a while or walk the dogs or something else that is casual. wouldn't mind someone paying for dinner, but he works in a gas station and probably has as much money as i do, which is very much not much.

love love love and gratitude,

teddy/theo and the wonderpups

PS PLEASE RATE MY POST. no matter how sick i am, i'm still a big attention whore.