Theodora L'Engle Knight

Theodora L'Engle Knight
Portland, Oregon, USA
July 02
Pack Leader, Her Royal Highness
Prozac On Paws: The Tale of Three Spayed Females
jewish writer/former screenwriter/recovering accountant from Boston now moldering in the rain in Portland, OR. and, yes, of course i should move but I battle with Agoraphobia and have trouble even leaving my apartment. but i'm blessed to have a fabulous 9 year old service dog Cocoa Chanel. Ella Fitgerald was my Official SD. she was 11 years old and so perky and such a trooper but she passed away in July. Cocoa has been stepping up and taking her job very seriously, which is so moving. so we now have a kitten. he drives us crazy and then he conks out wrapped around cocoa and we forgive him. we thought he was a girl. i named "her" Gloria Steinem and she was a feminist and a feline-est. but it turned out that Gloria's Balls had dropped. so his name is Gary Cooper or G-Coop. as annoying as he is much of the time -- apparently he's a Teenager now -- he takes our focus off of losing Ella, which was my intent when we adopted him.

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 24, 2009 9:27AM

Part of George Boomer Tumor Willis is Gone, but so is Ginny.

Rate: 39 Flag

i've been holding back on this news. i'm not sure why. it's great great news, i know. i'm enormously grateful. the part of george that is gone is the part that had invaded my sinuses. breathing is often taken for granted, but, shit, turns out it becomes more and more important the harder and harder it is to take a breath. who knew?

and the laser guy is hopeful that they can move farther up with the scope or whatever it's called and get out the parts of george that all wrapped around my pituitary gland and other stuff that's very important to my biochemistry being "normal". god, i wouldn't recognize normal now if it swooped in and walked my poor deprived dogs for me.

so this is all fabulous news and i should be thrilled and joyful and all that good stuff. but god is a giveth and taketh kind of guy so i found out the end of last week that my favorite regular radiation pal had died. i went to visit everyone to share my good news and because i missed them so much, and that is when i found out. her name was ginny, a name that i adore because it was the name of the friend i had when i was 5. the magical friend that later kept turning up at the major places in my life.

when i got to hahvahd all those years later, there was ginny! she only stayed a year, being a lovely hard to pin down hippie type. a decade later when i went to get my MBA at uc berkeley, i was delighted to find ginny again. she was much hipper and cooler than i was and quickly fell in with the hip and cool creative types and left me behind. but she was like a touchstone for me, a sign that everything might turn out okay.

and then my first ginny died. she'd had several abortions so when her baby was born with a heart problem, she blamed herself. six months later she developed colon cancer. she went very quickly. it was awful for everyone who knew her. she'd married the perfect man for her. she'd found the perfect job heading the mail-order (what would become the online sales area) department of Banana Republic. she had the charmed life she'd always sought and deserved. but she died. and a few months after that, her baby had heart surgery and was completely okay. my first ginny from age 5 broke my heart into all kinds of pieces.

and now there is this ginny. i just can't get my mind around it. around the idea that she's really gone. she was the one who laughed the most at my jokes and who seemed to appreciate my puppies as much as i do. well, the nurses were and are huge fans of cocoa and ella mae's, but i'm talking about the other patients. i don't even know much about my second ginny's life. we all, waiting for radiation, and then commiserating afterwards, we shared snippets of our lives. stories of our kids and grandkids and bits about the work we did or no longer did, but mostly we talked about our health and our hopes and a little bit about our fears. i rarely feel popular anymore, but, as i often seem to be in dire medical settings, i felt welcomed and valued there.

maybe my first ginny was hovering over us and controlling the whole thing, but i felt immediately at home with this ginny. she had a wonderful sense of humor, but, unlike me, she was also an excellent audience. it's wonderful how, when a few people are riffing in a humorous way, others, who may have been in the depths of despair that day, are able to chime in and feel lighter too. this is what i live for, being able to make people laugh and smile and to lighten another person's load a bit that day.

i can't write any more about this right now. i'm too overwhelmed with how sad i am. what the hell is god up to anyway??? i mean, geez louise, i lost my husband, i lost my 13 year old beloved yellow Lab a year later, to brain cancer of all things. then i lost the use of some of my brain. my best friend died xmas a year ago. i finally get the first really great news i've gotten in several years and now i lose my second ginny!!! i'm that seven year old now, stamping her small feet and shouting, it's not fair. it's not fair.

well, it's really not fair. and i can't stand it that while i was getting george lasered out of my freaking sinuses, my second wonderful ginny was dying and then she was dead. how am i supposed to celebrate this good news when my heart hurts so damn much and i need to get my puppies outside and i never cry but now i can't stop. why does god hate me so damn much??? i'm not asking for any real answers. i just need to ask the questions now, to get them out and away from me a little.

if this means anything at all or would mean anything to anyone you know, please pass it on. i know i'm not popular on here, but there have to be a whole lot of people whom the popular people know who have experienced a recent loss. please pass this on for both my ginnies. please.

not edited. rate me if you want. or rate my two ginnies.

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That's so great about george ....DIE GEORGE !

So sorry about Ginny though...My grandmother name was
Ginny ( short for Virginia)
oh, thank you, janie and trig. i've been sitting here in that blank place that happens after you write. thank you for coming here. ginne is a good name, isn't it, trig?
{{HUGS}} You go ahead and cry until you can't cry anymore. You stomp your feet and shout loudly like you are seven again.
Lose is a very hurtful and hard to handle emotionally. So sorry hear about your lose.

Congrats on the great news. I am so happy to hear this...{{HUGS}}
You are popular on here so what are talking about..SMILES!!
Hey, so glad to hear about George and so sad to hear about Ginny.
I can't rate twice, but if I could: once for you and once for Ginny.
oh, fire and sheep, thank you beyond words!!! thank you both for really getting it about my ginnies and about george. i love you both. love love love and so much gratitude, i can hardly stand it.
i love you, paris!! i love you for coming here for me at this tough tough time. yes, george needs a tux/burial suit, doesn't he?
George must continue to die.

I'm sorry about the loss of the two Ginnys. :( My condolences.
thank you, odette.

i'm going back to sleep again. i'm always tired, as you know. love love love and extreme gratitude.
I'm so happy for George to be going away! It is very good news. Sorry about your "Ginnys," but aren't you lucky to have had them in your life at all?! Some of of never get a "Ginny" like that. How wonderful.
Grief drops in and drains us. I am sorry for that. Perhaps you can think about all the Ginnys (sp?) as your spirit guides now? Encouraging you from Somewhere Other. I'm glad George is shrinking. Think about George and Willis with baggy pants at the Oscars-woo hoo!
Ah honey, yipeeeeeeeeeeee for the good news! Buh bye Georgie!
So sorry about Ginny! Gosh, let more good news come at once and soon! xoxo
I don't know about your god, but my god doesn't hate you. My god is love and is always there for you no matter what.

I am so sorry for your loss of your ginnies.

Often, mourning for the current loss also encompasses a lot of past losses. Go ahead and cry as much as you need.
Sorry to hear for one of your losses, but glad to hear about the other. Good ridence, George. Rest in peace, ginny.
"well, it's really not fair." no, it's not.

i'm so glad for your good news, though.
I try not to let myself think that God hates me -- ever. Instead I envision God mourning right alongside of me, and holding my hand, and telling me that everything will be all right. I don't know how true this is, I don't know what exactly God is or looks like -- if he's an essence, a cloud, or Charlton Heston. I DO know that if I thought God hated me, I don't think I could make it through a day. As we all know, life is full of great beauty AND horrendous suffering. That bird I watch singing sweetly in the tree is, ten minutes later, a cat toy. I don't get it, but I also don't believe God hates the bird, or Ginny 1 or Ginny 2 or you. (Although God probably does hate that rotten tumor.) -- Don't be so hard on yourself. Ask the questions you need to ask, then drag yourself outside and breathe in the clean air and walk the puppies.
I am sorry for your loss. Your words echo the depth of pain you feel. Right now you should think about a Celebration over the good riddance of George. What would you like to do for yourself? Chocolate truffle? Ice cream? New bling for the pups?
Whatever it is just do it and enjoy. These rough spots make us realize how friggin short this life can be.
Sending you hugs and love. You are a dear one.
So glad that you are kicking George's ass.

Also, feel free to feel sorry for yourself. Cry until you can't cry any more, and then exalt that you can cry for your loses and feel your grief. You are a very strong woman and you show some of that strength by being able to grieve your loses.
Losing your friend and all your other hardships can't be easy right now, or anytime for that matter. It's very sad, but there is nothing you can do but offer a prayer and love for them.
Time to focus on Kicking George in the gut and yanking the rug out from under him. I'd like to think that both Ginny's would want that for you.
Sometimes life feels like one loss after another. I know that feeling. I'm glad George is gone, and you will always have your memories of the two Ginnys. Hang onto those good times.
It's not fair - in fact, it really sucks. Glad to hear George is on his way out, and my sincerest condolences on the loss of your Ginnys.

And this may not count for much, but you're very popular as far as I'm concerned - and your little doggies too!
i walked the dogs briefly and now i'm about to go back to bed. the regular radiation i still has me so very tired. glanced on here and feel so blessed to have so many of you come and comment. this could not mean more. thank you for the kindness and the empathy the permission to keep crying, etc. i'm going to sleep for a long time with the wonderpups and then i'll get up and thank all of you for being so wonderful. love love love and huge gratitude,

teddy/theo and my exceptional canine crew
Acck. Having to lose Ginny2 at the same time as George really is cruel and unusual. And I'm very sorry for the loss of Ginny1. I've got a good friend whom I love to talk to about writing; we egg each other on and talk about how cool our respective writing projects are, and after talking or PMing with her, I feel like I could write for days. The catch is, er, catching her. It's rather like trying to spend quality time with a hummingbird: ZZt in! Hi/howareya/whoops gotta go/seeyouinsixmonthsmaybe/ZZT out! The contact never lasts very long, and is followed by several months of silence. And I feel deserted all over again, suspecting I've been dropped on my head yet again in her pursuit of her cooler friends. Three years ago, I learned about the death of my best friend from second grade through High School due to a brain anyeurism. Felt TOTALLY blindsided by it, even though I hadn't seen her in years. So....Yeah, sometimes I want to stamp my feet and scream, too. That God, what a jerk S/He is sometimes.

And yet dear, I'm so glad you can now breathe more easily! Even if the first use is to cry over the passing of Ginny2. But as you say, breathing IS important. Fighting for every breath sucks. So I too say, DIE GEORGE, DIE!
So happy for you that your treatment is going well!

Ginny is the name I was planning to give my daughter if I ever had one... my favorite great-aunt was Virginia, she used to crochet doll clothes for me. I can't help but think that maybe your first Ginny was there to meet your second Ginny. I believe that grief dies with us, but love lives on.
Oh ((teddy)). I hope you are napping right now. And I hope that you feel a bit more cheered when you wake. And maybe you can celebrate the love and friendship you shared with your ginny's and know that they are cheering you on as you kick the every lovin sh#t outta George!
This was a heartfelt and endearing post, Theodora, and a lovely tribute to your friends. Best wishes to you and hopes for a continued successful treatment.
I am so GLAD be able to share in yr good news; and thank you for inviting me to come and share in it.... Good riddence to George
forEVER....says I!

I am a shoulder to cry on; as I send on my condolences for yet another loss in your life.....
We none of us know how come there are those who survive the most dreadful ills.... and those of us who depart.....
But so the great spirit of the giver and taker lives and there is no knowing which way the great pendulum of life will swing....

I know I am glad you are here....
I send on fond regards....
Hey, Sweetie! (BIG hugs!)

AWESOME news about your tumor . . . and I understand how this is bittersweet right now . . . .losing a friend that was such a support for you is hard (understatment) and I wish I could offer you more than cyber hugs and healing vibes. Take care, honey!

Big hugs and paws!
I'm very sorry about the loss of your friend, but I'm over-the-moon happy for the loss of your tumor. Life isn't fair, but that's no reason to not celebrate a second chance. Would Ginny have wanted you to deny your health and happiness because she lost her battle? Hell no! Make a pact NOW to do as much living as possible for her.

By the way, your writing is flowing so much better now. Are you finding it easier? It's cool to be able to watch your health improve through your writing. Who even knew that was possible?
A good on the news about George,

Tears for the two ginny,

And a what the hell, Dec 31st, 1969 for the dates on the comments? Did I miss something? Did I hit a time warp field?? EEK!!! :)

Rated cause I want to!
( ) always good to get the questions's the only way to make room for answers.
Happy for you and glad "George" isn't around causing trouble anymore. Ginny, oh geez, sad stuff...
Such wonderful news about George - let's hope they can get rid of more of him.

Hugs and cuddles to you for the loss of Ginny - a real ying and yang; giving in one hand and taking with the other. But both of them will be cheering as George slowly leaves the building.
I don't know what popular is on OS but have never been the cool kid ever in my life so if you will accept comments from a geeky friend . . . of course you are popular ;0) Sitting outside waiting for radiation can help to develop bonds. That damn machine moves around once you get in, and the technicians move the table forever to hit the marks drawn on the body, and I bet you have to wear a cage on your head and I am sorry. About that and Ginny.

I am glad George is lost. And very sorry Ginny is lost.
This is wonderful news, albeit tinged with the sadness of your friend. Ironic about the name coincidence, but then again someone said "there are no coincidences."

Be happy and rejoice in this good news about george! I am certain Ginny would want you to. Celebrate. Make a happy dance with your pups. Breathe deep.
My condolensces. Nothing I can say now will lessen your pain but you are a fantastic woman. Keep going.
i just slept 9 hours with the puppies, so im' pretty groggy. i really needed that sleep and, thank god, the banging thumping painbody upstairs did not wake me up. i want to thank all of you for the heartfelt and comforting and cheerleading comments that you've left me!!! i had a mental picture of the Frankenstein villagers with their torches hunting poor george down.

i'm feeling more balanced and i'm so grateful to all of you for reaching out. i can't even put it into words.

love love love and gratitude and cocoa just turned over so you can all rub her lovely belly,

teddy/theo and the fabulous canine-americans
And my mom, who died of esophogeal cancer was named Ginny too, so this was so sad to me. But so glad George is being vanquished!! Makes it a tiny bit better. A lot better, what am I saying? Congratulations, T.
dvc, i love you sweetheart. i'm grateful for all the great Ginnys out there.