This is Part One of my series about Drinking and Sex in Portland, OR, which is far more exciting than Las Vegas, in its own way!!!!

this is a photo tease. i will post more in Part Two of this series. denese's husband really enjoyed my double chin, but i forgive him because of the SEX. and the drinks and food and valet parking.

{okay, not a good photo. but the lovely Denese is holding Ella and i'm wearing this giant pink thing and my gladiator hairband because my hair is too long and still Mud Brown and my lovely cocoa chanel is about to leap into my arms because she's jealous that ella fitzgerald is being held. we have not had SEX yet but it will happen later. this part is the Me Stumbling Around Drunk while we all took a walk.}

well, actually, i had sex with OS Denese and her lovely husband Richard and the wonderpups. interspecies fabulous sex sex sex. but first we had drinks. lots of drinks. well, in my case it was two pomegranate margueritas, and since i never drink and am hormonally challenged, i, well, i got drunk. very drunk. staggering around drunk. very attractive in every way, i'm sure.

denese

the lovely Denese looks just like her photo, shit, even cuter, and is completely and totally adorable and funny and fun. Richard too. http://open.salon.com/blog/denese  

okay, first things first. Denese is from Portland, OR but lives in Baton Rouge, Lousiana now. her mother lives in the backyard. i had a lovely Callahan/Gary Larson-style vision of her just sitting there with an umbrella hat and a beach umbrella over her but apparently Mom's place in back is pretty damn swank. so Denese and her husband, being saints, took their vacation time to bring Mom to Oregon to visit her friends and Denese's godfather who is not in great shape at 99. Mom is 88 and, according to D,  losing her mind. but, as Steven Wright says, "you can't have everything. where would you put it?" then they will go to the coast, specifically Cannon Beach.

Cannon Beach is lovely. it's not Cape Cod but it's just fine. i took Ella Fitzgerald there a few years ago. she was maybe 4 lbs. then and she just flung herself in the air, completely intoxicated by all the ocean and wildlife smells. then she ran and ran for miles and made many many happy happy friends. Cocoa Chanel deserves to go too, but now i am broke and poor. it will happen. i have faith. she may have to settle for the river.

okay, so back to the drinks and the sex sex sex. we drank and ate on the patio, looking out over the lovely Willamette River, with a luscious breeze blowing gently over all of us. the Wonderpups felt the need to alert us to every big dog and bike (well, anything with wheels really) that went by. siren-like barking. but Denese and wonderful husband Richard seemed to take it in stride. okay, then we had happy hour food. wow, just excellent. Denese will have to correct me, but i remember bacon and other great things stuffed into mushrooms and duckling legs that thrilled me and the Pups and mini-pulled pork sandwiches with pickle!!!

shit, man, i haven't been to a fancy bar or restaurant in a long long long time. it's on the top of the list of things i miss. fancy doesn't matter. i just miss hanging out with a friend and laughing and drinking whatever and not worrying about money the whole time. so if you should visit Portland, OR and have some money, i would advise you to stay at the Avalon Hotel and Spa and to go to the restaurant that is adjacent to it. it is just lovely. i'm thrilled to know about it now. the happy hour menu is not extravagant for me if i save up for it. http://www.avalonhotelandspa.com/index.html

anyway, back to the sex. first we had dessert. i'm not sure what Richard had because i was still pretty drunk after a lovely walk that we all took along the river. Denese carried Ella, which was above and beyond the call. Richard took on Cocoa for a while but she was whining in her annoying way so we put her back on the path. ever since she met the Siamese kitty name Sammy, she's been doing this whining thing that i hate. she was raised by a Giant Kitty and is kind of a Dat or a Cog but still...

Denese and i had strawberry and rhubarb compote or something like that with vanilla ice cream!!! well, i have this obsession/addiction to strawberry/rhubarb pie so i was in hog heaven. Denese too, i hope. and the Wonderpups got vanilla licks and were blissful on their sugar high. god, i love banquettes. they are so fabulous for me because my service dogs girls can stretch out and have a nap and not bother anyone.

so of course we all talked and talked and talked. Richard has a fascinating job. he has a research gig at, shit, either Tulane or another place (drunkness). he's an expert in logging and goes all over the world to interesting places and does his thang. very very very cool. Denese does not tend to go with him and he confessed that he gets lonely. he's had tons of mistresses, of course, but that got old after a while. :) so i felt that it was my duty, since i fell in love with both Richard AND Denese, to nag D to go on these trips with R, since she is blessed to have an adorable Jewish husband whom she's crazy about and vice versa and who is so freaking smart and fun and funny and insightful and all that good carp/crap.

i feel badly now because i probably talked their poor ears off since i rarely get to be around people whom i already adore and with whom i have common interests: dogs, writing, logging, etc. i'm a big logger.

so, to make up for that, i suggested that we all have SEX together for hours and hours. And we did and it was fabulous. then we drank some more delicious beverages and then we had SEX with the Wonderpups too. well, they were spectators more than anything, but they do like to lick everything and anything that they can get ahold of. the fabulous SEX went on for many many hours. i've just gotten home from the Avalon Hotel. Denese and Richard needed to get a good rest before their trip tomorrow to see her Godfather. no, not The Godfather, so don't get any ideas. and i had to get the puppies home to conk out and sleep.

Richard is a terrific amateur (he claims) photographer so i will soon have photos to add to this post. not SEX pics since that is not cool. well, maybe for Cartouche and her perfect double jointed body but not for me and my cellulite, which is soooo very much not jointed at all, anyway. but dog pics and Theo/Teddy and Denese pics and, shit, i should have brought my camera and taken some of Richard!! i hope he sends me some of him too.

so i am home and no longer drunk and sooo freaking happy to have spent such glorious drunk time with two such loveable and SEXY people. and they picked up the tab for me, even the valet parking, which is the blessing of the world. i hope they know that i have done the same many times when i was affluent or had more money than the people with whom i hung out. shit, i have to watch my 3 Netflix DVDs by tomorrow! the pressure is on and I am satiated but worn out by all of the INTERSPECIES SEX.

i will post Part Two soon, once i have the photos. i will share more details, of course, but nothing too explicit since we are all tasteful people and/or canine americans.

now, please RATE this masterpiece for SEX and CUTE DOGS!!!!