i've been in an unrelenting depression. i did manage to get to the doctor at the poor people's clinic where i was also able to see the mental health nurse practitioner. got them to up my thyroid med, add in abilify to my crazy woman cocktail. they also pumped up the gabapentin and decreased the cymbalta. we shall see what we shall see. many stories to tell from that day, some of them pretty freaking funny, but i can't cough up the energy to write this shit down. this is not the me of me. oh, yes, i did covet a woman's animal print light-weight rainjacket and she needed money so she sold it to me for $20 bucks. the jacket i've been picturing for months, in my head. being me for a small bit there, i do pop into anthropologie to ask if it was okay. the girls and i are beloved in these trendy stores.
yesterday was first appointment at the dental school. good news is i can bring ella with me next time. bad news is i was there for hours and will be there for many many many more hours and that i need $5000 worth of work on my teeth and gums. there's no flouride in the water here in oregon because neanderthals rule the state. i should have been using flouride washes or gell packs, it turns out. good news, my dental student loves books on cd as much or more than i do. whatever, right?
so now i pray that the revised crazy cocktail works so i can get back to the me of me who does not feel so hateful towards perfectly lovely Other People. in this state, well, i find People to be pretty much overrated, same thing with Life.
two people asked for photos of me in my new animal print raincoat. well, here we go. first pics are of our friends Anna (dark hair) and Cori snuggling with the canine-american portion of our interspecies family. cocoa begins to squeak the minute she gets near Rite Aid. then there are two of me wearing my raincoat. these are all lousy pics, but you can get the idea, i guess. (anna has a bad tooth and can't afford an implant, so she doesn't smile, just grins, but she has a radiant smile and we adore her.) the other staff Dog Lover whom we love love love is Diane. that bitch had the nerve to leave at 12 noon! then there is Brett the manager... so when i pathetically talk about our lovely visits to Rite Aid, i am talking about these people and about Julija at the pharmacy. and Greg. well, you get the picture.
this one is just goofy. yes, i smiled a few times. when the puppies are happy and they are SOOOO happy with their Rite Aid pals, then i'm relieved and there's a break in the dark clouds. i'm trying to hide my very gray and brown hair which has no style beyond being an extremely grown out pixie cut. but Charlie the pharmacist who never compliments me said that he likes my hair this way. so who knows? i'm thinking maybe a soft shag this time, colored, of course, bright red so it can be seen from space. that's the shade i prefer.
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And I love this line: "this is not the me of me. "
Could be emblazoned on my chest some days.
feel better theo. try not to beat yourself up for being human. most people that read you, get a sense of who you are. and those that don't...well..they just don' t know, do they?
the crazy lady knitting circle will keep a seat warm for you.
oh, Bob, you rock, dude. i'm so freaking tired of the tweaking. it's already put 20 plus pounds on me and god knows what lies ahead with the abilify. it means the world to know that i can PM you. i can't tell you how much it means. i'm in my tv addiction except for posting this short piece. but i will PM you later on. love love love
and huge gratitude for both of you.
Good Luck. I wish you the wellness and happiness you deserve.
Nofrills, thanks, love. i don't resist the meds at all. never have. found out early that i have no serotonin at all. i'm so happy for you that your meds work for you. mine worked for me for the depression and anxiety but not for the irritable manias that characterize bipolar 2. the diagnosis was a relief, after 40-50 years, but finding the right mix that doesn't make me fatter? not so easy. love love love
and huge gratitude for both of you reaching out.
Roger, i adore you, as you know. but i'm not trusting you as much to get your traveling ass to my new posts. so you will just have to wait, my love. love love love!
Thank you, Chuck. i know you know what i'm talking about, as do so many on here. it helps that i'm not alone. love love love!
and so much gratitude for all o fyour kind kind people.
prayers said
brian, thanks for the prayers. much needed. love love love and gratitude
lOVE LOVE FOR NOW AND MORE LOVE LOVE WHEN YOU COME BACK FROM THE EDGE.....
And make them pay attention: If your teeth/gums are infected, that can effect or be effected by same as well. I.E., after they're all fixed up and you're off antibios, recheck, retweak. It's exhausting, I know.
be happy
We will worry, so will you please check in periodically?
leslie basden -- i'm a nut about getting details right. i AM BIPOLAR 2, like you. but i was still given abilify for some reason. and lamictal made me fat. wow, yours is gone now. good for you. i'm envious as shit.
god, i loathe myself. i'm snapping at the puppies. they are anxious, of course, and therefore barky. more city of portland paperwork for the section 8 housing. this is pure shit.
love love love and gratitude for the kindness you've all shown. when i can't see anything funny about anything??? it's not good.
I think mine came on as a result of a serious drinking problem. I'd have never gone off the cocktail if I hadn't lost my insurance, but it turned out to be a happy ending. I've taken antidepressants for most of my adult life, but I'm not taking ANY psych meds at all now, and I'm doing fairly well (it has been a few years now since I stopped the meds).
I lost my job in April, and I'm still unemployed, so I'm really keeping a close eye on my stability. I've been a bit troubled of late, and I am thinking of taking up the antidepressant again, at least until I'm working. Stress does a number on my mood, and people are mentioning to me that I've become rather reserved. I worry about a full-on bipolar relapse under the circumstances. I hope I never have to go through all of that again. We're going to try a bit of exercise as it usually helps my spirits.
I'm certain you will find meds that will work with tolerable side effects. You won't feel this way forever, although I know well how interminable depression feels, how futile it feels to keep looking up, trying to catch a glint of sunlight from deep in the pit.
It's really sad that many of us are left to choose between a weight problem and a psych problem. It hits women especially hard because we are so committed to looking fit and healthy (and sexy). I chose to get off the roller coaster even if it meant weight gain. If I'm miserable, nothing matters more than finding stability and hope again.
((Teddy))
Now, sad story aside. Just want to share so many years, such a wide gamut of med experience with you. Signed up on open salon to do this! and not trying to depress you further. Please be very very careful dear lady. Go online & get a mood chart (if you don't already keep them daily) & institute the self-nursing bit as you trial med changes. I am unhappy that you are making several changes at once. How will you know what's doing what? Re-think it. With or without the dr' s guidance [i.e. if you can get him on the phone haha maybe in Canada or UK not in this country :-(] try to re-organize doses so you're trialing one at a time for 3 wks at a time. Obviously start with the upped thyroid med, that's the most important. Though I would immediately proceed with lowering Cymbalta (congratulations on that move BTW-- good god!). Then tweak the gabi up bit by bit to see if it helps. Stay away from abilify until you understand all this other stuff. Oh I hate to tell you this if you don't know it already--- the docs are flooded with free samples of abilify right now. I live over in BigPharma alley (in NJ) believe me I know the score. Even our fave pdoc suggested it to my poor son who immediately lost all trust in this otherwise excellent chemist--- guess he forgot to check the old records to see that abilify (along with every other anti-psychotic trialed) added to an increasing trend of adverse motor side effects, culminating in med-induced parkinsonism.
Abilify may be OK for you. It's not some beall & endall. It's been around. the only thing different is that the creeps in BigPharma have another teeny-tiny study that shows some positive effect on intransigent depression, & abilify, since its not an SSRI nor an SNRI, is less likely to hurt you as a bipolar. (Who on earth gave you CYMBALTA?) Abilify is certainly worth a try. But separate it out from the other stuff. You need to be able to watch carefully for motor affects, which start as a kind of low-grade physical restlessness. any kind of restlessness in the first week: be on orange alert. Also: consider whether you've tried other anti-psychotics in the past (seroquel, zyprexa, risperdal) & how they've helped or hurt. Abilify works a bit differently but it's a similar med.
Oh god I could write novels! don't let it get you down! be your own nurse. Go step by step. give each med or med combo change at least 3 wks. Keep careful records. Bring your records in to your doc each time you go.
Most of all GOOD LUCK! Write poetry! How I get where you're coming from kiddo. so glad you have those sweet dogs.
god bless
It takes quite awhile to find the right mix and dosage.
There's really no other choice than to report what happens.
The analogy that helped me the most is this:
It's like diabeties; if your body chemistry is bad you take the meds.
It's not your mind that's crazy it's your chemistry.
My diagnosis took 40 years.
i'm at the height of my Fatitude and my hair (which is desperate for a good cut) is mostly gray -- which is rare for me because it's so not flattering -- so please take any photo of myself in the new animal print rain jacket with a pound of salt. i'm flattered that two of you asked to see it. very very sweet of you guys. seriously sweet.
my goal today is to get my poor suffering wonderpups -- who did not get out yesterday because i suck -- to Rite Aid since the super Dog Lovers there are working until 3 PM, i think. Cori and Diane go nuts over the girls and my canine-americans go insane with excitement and joy. pretty good deal. cocoa chanel literally squeaks with delight and she's not really a squeaker except in relation to the siamese kitty down the hall whose dickhead human is rude rude rude to me. we don't go there anymore but cocoa stops and sniffs the door every time and i hate him a little bit more each time. but whatever. we are all low income seniors here and we have all suffered greatly in our own individual ways. love love love and gratitude.
PS. i love you all but i really really really dont' do well with being lectured to, with being given ADVICE in general. i'm 57 years old, i'm not a child, and i've battled with depression since i was 6 years old. so i know that altering and adding 3 meds at a time is not ideal, for example. and taht abilify is the drug du jour. if you have your own agenda about bipolar and its treatment, please please please post about it yourself!!! please do! there are others on her who have bipolar children and they are dying to share information with others in the same situation and to give and get support and comfort!!
when i'm better -- i was feeling better but that whole Dental THANG just pulled me back into the morass -- i'll PM some of you individually to share my wisdom and to gently push some of you to share your own stories in psots.
Oh, I wish I could take Cymbalta. IT works wonders for me but I am allergic!!! It really helps with the muscle aches.
Sorry you have to gave a different mix, I do know what that is like. Many hugs your way!!!!!
I love animal prints too but too afraid to wear them, around here not many people are fashionable.
LOVE and hugs!!!!
and, YO, you, love, are in a chair and can barely move. of course you've gotten big, sweetheart. i'd be the same way. what saves me is having to walk the canine-americans. don't they look so happy with the rite aid staff? it's the cutest thing.
you know, the coat is perfect. it covers everything i don't want people to see. who knew?
brenda gail! i had no idea that you read my posts. thank you. i'm so sorry that you're allergic to Cymbalta when it works for you. that is truly suckatitious. love love love! something will work. i know it. nad i know what you mean about the thyroid, although, for me, it works as an anti-depressant, it seems.
and Leslie, thanks for sharing your story about the bipolar 2 and the meds that work and that don't. you may well have been self-medicating the bipolar with alcohol, what's called Dual Diagnosis, but you know that. i'm thrilled for you that your meds do the trick and that you have a regular life now. that's my dream. love love love
and, YO, as awlays i adore you for coming here and giving such support and then coming back to view the photos!!! i tried to make them fun. so happy that they came across that way. and, god, i lookk so much like my ex-con sociopathic mother with my hair that way, it's scary as hell. going to have o figure this out. love love love, YO, you are the best there is, love.
huge grattiude for you three and for everyone who has come by. i have so many thank yous to make. now it's time to take a nap with my pups. lot of time outside the house! very tired now.
what i was serious about is that you need to be posting this information on here!!!! it is extremely important that you not only have a bipolar child, you know this thing inside and out and have learned a shitload of valuable stuff. i'm so serious about this. who knows how many peopel on here have bipolar kids, diagnosed or undiagnosed? the environment is a mess, our food is a mess and/or toxic and we are seeing all sorts of thigns in kids that were never seen before.
so you would be doing a HUGE SERVICE BY POSTING ABOUT BIPOLAR CHILDREN AND WHAT WORKS WITH THEM AND WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO WORK WITH THEM AND TO TREAT THEM, ETC. look at the comments on this post again, please. several people commented about their meds and such, people whom i had no idea were bipolar 2! this post is not much of anything but when i post about mental illness in general or any of the other difficult things that have occurred in my life, i get comemtns and i also get PMs from people who are similarly struggling. so Post Away, girl!! We Need YOU! love love lvoe and gratitude
(You do that with a lot of people - I love the Rite Aid'ers ! They lok like my kind of peeps.)