UPDATE OF THE UPDATE: i no longer feel the way i was feeling when i wrote the old part of this post. i've let go of the EP/Cover/Ratings shit, so i don't need any more advice and such on that count. okay, guys? not that i'm not grateful for all the support and the kicks in the ass. i am so freaking thankful, and i love you all. i just wanted people to see what i was obsessed about before, and how  i had this GIANT INSIGHT and have changed my focus thusly:

UPDATE: i finally figured out why i feel so fucking uncomfortable on here. it's all gentiles on here. how is that even possible? where are the jews and the italians and the other ethnic people???? i know that there are a few black people, which is wonderful. but where the fuck are the other ethnic writers? how do you have a site about being literate and not hear SCHLEP OR KVETCH OR PLOTZ once in a while. this is insane. yes, i know, i'm a looney tune, but some of it is that i'm a very ethnic person! loud, emotional, talk with my hands, all of that carp.

but, first, now my attitude, thanks to the miracle of getting to be of service to someone i love and of being supported and comforted by fabulously appreciate and gracious and supportive and excellent friends who made me feel like a Hero for my service, well, my attitude is that Everyone Who Doesn't Read my Often Excellent posts???? it's your giant loss. i am so freaking funny. seriously, people. and overly honest too. i know. but mostly i am so freaking funny and real and courageous and always fighting to have a better life and be a better person and to support those i love and to give solace to those i don't know who are in great pain. (i have references if you want to see them.) and i have the most fabulous wonderpups/service dogs in the world and i educate about service dogs for invisible disabilities and i help people who had no idea that they were entitled to a canine-american companion. that's not so shabby, eh?

so back to the first thang: where are my jews??? where are the ethnic people on here????? what is with all the white white white white people who dominate this place??? Endicott and Brady and McCarter -- not picking on you, melissa :) -- and Thurston Howell the third, for god's sake. i dont' get it. this is writing. this is literate stuff. this is art. where are my jews, man? i know of a few Jews on here. One of them is a new friend and is fabulous and talented and a great man to have in your corner -- it's Jeff Brawer, please read his very jewy comment below. i know i'm going to get blasted and i don't care. i just don't. warm, loud, expressive ethnic people would not be as scared of my very honest writing as WHITE people are. i studied Cultural Anthropology at Hahhvahhd and i spent waaay too much time around WASPs there and at Miss Winsor's School for Young Ladies not to recognize when i'm surrounded by that vibe.

yes, i know i'm white too, but, shit, i don't feel like it here in very very very white and bland Portland, OR (well, there are about 3 jews, some non-smiling Ukrainians/Russians and 1 or two black people but that is about it.) or on here most of the time. so please, if you are Jewish and have any idea what i'm talking about or if you are ethnic and get this too, please reach out to me!!!!! i'm not saying that all jews are the same or that we all think and feel the same things. not at all. but there is a culture there. there is a certain humor, a certain way of being, a certain world view, that i miss like crazy. and i'm not trashing very White people. it's just a different culture, a different way of expressing things, of seeing life. sometimes i feel like i'm the most effusive commenter on here. i know i'm not, but what the fuck is wrong with cheering people on? with getting super-excited about someone's excellent work or someone's wonderful personhood?

okay now, bring it on. i will probably have someone else read my comments for me, but bring it on. and please please please, if you get this at all, if you understand what i'm saying, please reach out and let's commiserate. love love love and HUGE gratitude in advance.

i tried to take some photos of myself to ask people what they thought of the red highlights that i put in my dark brown hair, but my arms only reach so far so i ended up with pics of the top of my head, my looking up face -- this is my new thang. i don't like looking my age so all photos from now on will be of me looking up up up up up so you can't see my carpy neck and shit (i don't get why my zits and stuff don't show up on camera. you guys think i'm cute and i kind of am, but i have these things called MILLIA on my face that look like warts, all over the place, from too much sun, and shit, man, they will not go away with any drastic measures i can afford. then there is the acne scarring...)

plus i wanted you all to admire my blue Star earrings that i think are fabulous but that no one ever notices here because they are extremely fashion and fun-impaired! so, it's hair, up face, earrings and wonderpups. have some smiles on me!!!! and start acting like a warm ethnic person even if you are not!

Never freaking mind, guys. OS won't upload my pics. this is happening almost all the time now. they are less than 2 MB. i tried to copy the message they are sending me. i am so freaking frustrated. can i send my pics to someone and you tell me what the freak is wrong with them????? please, tech geeks, please help me. Star Earrings, guys, Star Earrings that kind of spin around.

Okay, last thing. i want to explain why ratings are important to a part of me. see, this drives me a little nuts. two people come by, lovely people, lovely readers and friends, and only one of them rates this thang. what is the deal, guys? i rate every post i read unless it's just dreck because it's our gold stars.

what people don't understand about me (or people like me) is that i was severely traumatized for 12 years of my childhood. severely. and when that happens, a healthy person will begin to create fragments of her self and kind of leave her body in order to survive the trauma and not become Ted Bundy. so it's not the Me of Me who craves the Ratings. it's the child parts who broke off and hold those memories. those parts who are sooo proud of this writing and who want those gold stars so badly. it's called dissociation. you can google it. it happens to all of us. when we leave our bodies during a boring meeting, when we get home and can't remember how we got there. some of us just do this more often and did it intensely when we were in intolerable situations as children or adults. it's that simple. when you're like this, the child parts of you react strongly to what is going on with you as an adult.

it's that simple. THE KIDS IN ME, THE CHILDREN WHO SAVED ME FROM LOSING MY MIND WHEN I WAS YOUNG, WANT THEIR GOLD STARS.

i love you, all. i do. and you all know that. i help a lot of people who are in trouble or grieving or whatever. i'm here for any of you who need me. i have that laser intuition and i have the ability to comfort people and/or make them laugh and they feel so much better and/or to cut right to the heart of what ever problem someone is having. it's a gift, i'm finding out.

OLD CARPING: so many of my good friends are AWOL for all kinds of reasons and i feel lonely here now. i know this is a natural attrition. i get that, but i never thought it would happen with my Good Friends, that they would all just disappear.

and the EP/cover shit has finally gotten to me. i've worked so hard to not think about it but i have to go to the cover page to look at the Recent Post thang so i don't miss out on good pieces of writing. this sucks. i don't understand why i can't access recent posts from my blog. when i see the cover, i  lose my mind a little bit. once again, it's luluandphoebe and deven and jodi kasten and others who are always on there. they are great writers but they aren't the only ones on here. it's just ridiculous and is getting to be borderline evil.

i hate that it's so competitive here. and i've become very competitive while my nature is to be kind and caring. no one will pass a post on to their friends when asked. i rarely do it myself because i'm afraid of losing ratings. it's sick. this was never what i wanted. i wanted a cooperative setting, not a competitive one. but i understand why it is this way. it's Salon.com and it's about advertising dollars so keeping the same people on the cover makes sense since they are sure things and bring in the dollars.

i get it all. i guess i'm just tired of it. and too envious. i see so many other people getting high high ratings. they deserve them. i know this. while i have to PM and PM even my close friends to get them to show up. i've been too crazy. i've hurt people's feelings. i've behaved badly when manic and when not. i scare people because of who i am and what i'm like. i get that completely. i've had a lifetime of scaring people but not knowing why i got like that. now i know but the meds aren't working that well. and i scare people with my writing. it's too emotionally charged, i'm told. i'm too honest. i get that too. but i don't know how to write any other way. and i just posted a piece that is sexy and funny and not emotionally charged but i still had to drag people to read it.

i'm tired. there are so many kind people on here. i'm so grateful. i will write a gratitude post soon. i love doing that. but overall, something is wrong here, for me. it's probably wrong everywhere for me because i am wrong. i do good things. i help people. i help people a lot. but i'm wrong. something is wrong. i don't know what i need. but i sense that i could feel safer somewhere else.

love love love and gratitude for everyone who has been a loyal reader and a kind kind kind friend to me. it could not mean more.

Scupper and Debbs4, i LOVE all the pants you two sent me. you are angels on earth. i'm heartsick that i'm a size 18 now, eeek, but now i have a choice about my bottom half wardrobe!