CONFESSION first and then Update: okay, well, those who read me know that i've been all into the fact that i'm a jewy Jew and where are the other Jews on here and such. well, i have a huge confession to make. when i am agitated, and there's been a lot of that lately, the music that calms and comforts me? well, shit, i confess. it's Christmas carols. god, i know. the shame, the shame. please don't call the rabbis, people, or my relatives. these days, i am listening practically non-stop to Josh Groban's Noel CD. for those of you who also love this Xmas stuff, this CD is exquisite. i LOVE his voice anyway... and, yes, Virginia, i do have very Middle American taste. long and very funny story about that at some point.

{UPDATE: wow, you guys have been so lovely to me. i'm so grateful. i need to talk about what's really going on with me and why the trolls were able to get to me so much. i've finally realized, thanks in part to the lovely SirenitaLake, that i'm in PTSD mode and not thinking clearly and that this isn't the time to make any major decisions. (which is why i cancelled that order for a thousand chocolate cupcakes. :() that should have been more clever. sorry.

sometimes, in order to help someone else, you have to go to some very dark and ugly places in your own mind, you just do. and those memories don't just fade away. it's what happens to war vets especially. so you are stuck in PTSD flashback shit for a while. and it's hell on earth. and it never feels like you're getting enough support because you are feeling such terrible things. even when gracious people are reaching out to you on here and in PMs.

so i APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY for any and all ungrateful comments or PMs responses. they were all made/sent before i went into the ugly cry and got so much of it out out out. i'm now back to feeling grateful and blessed, which i am, to have so many of you stand up for me.

but godiverse listened a little bit and i actually cried and sobbed and got hysterical, which is so what i needed to do, but i have these chronically infected eyelids and tear ducts and yada yada yada..., so the crying was a small miracle even though it scared the shit out of the Wonderpups! i'm better now and i can now reach out for appropriate support and not demand attention. and maybe get some real help, although that is scarce here in this very poor state. whatever, i'll find something.

and if i do decide to stick around, when i'm not out of my mind with PTSD, i hope that you will forgive me for taking care of myself and this stupid chronic Flutigue and not reading a lot of posts. PMing me about your new stuff really helps me. when i go to the Recent Post place on the cover, i can't help myself from looking to the left and the right and seeing Top Rated and Viewed and stuff. So you PMing me? a godiverse send, guys.

but, still, thanks for all the fish, guys. :)}

i wish you all everything that is good. i've run my course here. the tech shit is the last straw. i have to be able to upload photos (os is now telling me that it can't upload photos from the same camera i've used for so many uploaded others). well, that and the lack of other Jews. :) well, kidding and not. i'm grateful for the many honorary Jews who have been there for me.

thank you for the excellent support and laughs and kindness and caring and compassion. and the advice and the lectures too, well, not so much. i hope i made some of you laugh too. i hope i helped make some people's lives a little better once in a while. that was/is one of my many missions. i wish you all everything that is wonderful in the godiverse.

love love love and gratitude and buh bye

And i so much want to thank the lovely Robin Sneed for this:

http://open.salon.com/blog/robin_sneed/2009/11/06/theodora_lengle_knight_saves_lives/comment

i love you, sweetheart, and i'm so happy that you are safe now and that TrigX got you wearing a Pirate Patch over your eye so you are now one of the Pirate Wimmen agin!