What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why (Sonnet XLIII)
Edna St. Vincent Millay
This post does not argue the existence of differences between men and women. It is about the subtle complexities of female emotions and sexuality. First, let’s brush up on what makes women and men different, just some background information.
Gender Sexual Differences
The differences between male and female brains and bodies are the direct result of evolution. The evidence for the difference between the average male and female brains has become undeniable for over a decade. Eons of evolution made men sexual opportunists, but led women to be suspicious of casual sex. Bruce Ellis and Don Symons showed that men have more sexual fantasies and fantasized about more sexual partners. Visual images of partners were more important to men, while women focused on their own responses, rather than on the partner. Women overwhelmingly fantasized about sex with a familiar partner. Almost every other study concluded that male sexual fantasies tend to be visual, frequent, ubiquitous, promiscuous, active and specifically sexual. Female sexual fantasies tend to be contextual, emotive, intimate, and passive.
Porn for men, Romance Novel for Women
Pornography and romance novel publishing have different criteria to which the producers and authors adhere. Porn videos have naked pictures of women on them, romance novels do not have pictures of naked men on the cover—A propensity to be aroused merely by the sight of males would promote random matings from which a female would have nothing to gain reproductively and a great deal to lose (Symons 1987).
Hard porn is willing, easily aroused, many attractive women gratifying the male lust—no dating, no plot, no flirtation…just sex between strangers. An interesting finding is this. Watching hard porn, both men and women focused on the woman not the man. Even more, both men and women were aroused by lesbian scenes, but neither was aroused by male homosexual sex.
The romance novel formula, on the other hand, is different. The book is mostly about love, commitment, nurturing and relationships. Yes, there is some sex, but it is always described through the heroine’s emotional reaction, especially to how he is touching her. His Character, rather than his body is described in detail.
Now, let’s go back to my point. After reading Edna’s great line, I realized that a man cannot think, write or say that line. The meaning is exclusively feminine and that threw me off and pissed me off.
Are Women More Evolved Sexually?
What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why (Sonnet XLIII)
Edna St. Vincent Millay
This is one of the best five-footers ever written in English poetry—perfect meter, perfect sonic, and most of all, a profound meaning. Yet, this is a woman’s line. If a man said this line, he is either lying, or he does not know what the fuck he is talking about. I will tell you why. Let us assume for the sake of argument that Edna had consciously considered all the line’s meaning—the rest of the poem is nowhere near the first line in power; it continues as a fading melancholic lamentation of romantic encounters gone by. Nevertheless, most women understand fully what Edna said in this great first line.
For every romantic/sexual instance a woman has ever had, she had “reasons” for each of the “when/where” and the “why.” For example—a sunset by the beach example will not work here—when a woman kisses a man outside a restaurant at 8:25 PM, it did not “just happen.” She had reasons to kiss this particular man; she had reasons to kiss him in this particular location outside the restaurant; and she had reasons to kiss him at this particular moment. The magic is that she also predicted it all before he even picked her up. I am not saying that women are calculating bitches. Yet, each feminine romantic/sexual act is triggered by a conscious decision, which is both influenced and complicated by cascades of “feminine” emotions/intuitions. Men may possess most, if not all of these individual emotions, but in different patterns, combinations, and therefore leading to different effects/results.
Even though the process of choosing somebody to have sex with is mysterious, complicated, cerebral and highly selective, a woman, for example, can have sex/affairs with four different men for four different “sets” of very good reasons that only women could and would understand. The lack of understanding of the complexity of feminine emotions at work is why some describe a woman’s decision as “emotional,” whether or not the circumstance is romantic or sexual. These emotions factored in her decision are so “deep” they are almost philosophical. Emotional or not, to a woman who survived eons of evolutionary pressures, her conscious decision on sex is surely rational. Now let’s have some fun.
Are Men Sexual Simpletons?
Have you ever heard of a man say to another man, “why did you fuck her,” or “when or where did you fuck her?” Joe might punch Jack in the face if he found out Jack fucked his wife, but Joe will never ask Jack why or when or where he fucked her. Because, to a man the why and the when and the where are irrelevant, trivial and boring. All a guy wants to know is whether or not his friend fucked the new girl, just yes or no. Some men would not mind also hearing the gory details. A man will not ask questions he knows have no answers. So, “why did you fuck her?” “duh, because she let me.” Yet, not all men are that simplistic; many would elaborate after critical thinking and respond with something like, “She had big boobs.”
Nevertheless, I, a man, am romantic too and deep and what not. I can write sheets and sheets about how I miss her, about her eyes, her lips…her touch—I can write an entire book about her grand ass. No, seriously, I am very romantic. I would talk to the wind; I would talk to the birds and ask them to take love messages to my beloved…if I can remember where she lives.
Men should first realize, then admit that women are emotionally and sexually much “deeper.” Yet, being a sexual opportunist, a man can turn it around; he can turn her emotional advantage to work for him. It gets better.
The Story No Woman Can Resist
The first time I ever told this story I had the best sex of my life, I am talking fireworks. I was in my early twenties and already an established “real” playboy, but never experienced magical sex.
I have never been dumped, but I suffered worse. My first love died. I was seventeen, she was sixteen. She died in a plane crash after receiving her grandmother’s blessings for our wedding. For years after she died I kept seeing her face, everywhere; it was her I was holding when I danced with someone else. There were also political obstacles—Romeo and Juliet style—that our love had overcome. So it is a love story of the highest water, full of romance, longing, agony, melancholy, social politics, and most of all, honor. I loved her so much that I refused to take her virginity when she offered it as proof of her everlasting love. Only family and very few friends knew this story, and I never told anyone. I did not want to talk about it until years later, when a very beautiful woman asked me about my first love.
We were having drinks at her place after a party, when she looked at me with sincere big blue eyes and said, “I really want to know about your first love.” I do not know why for the first time since my beloved died I felt at ease, but I wanted to tell her the story and man, am I glad I did. Half way into the story my eyes became glued to her face. I was watching a divine plethora of facial expressions. I could not tell exactly what each meant, but I was fascinated all the same. I also could see the beginning of a tear at the corner of her left eye. When I reached the part of the story where my love and I were naked in bed kissing and touching—and not having intercourse—she started making noise.
She was breathing hard, and she started to touch herself (fully dressed), unintentionally. She touches her forehead, her upper arms, around and below her breasts, she presses with both hands on her lower abdomen, then back to her forehead. By now, tears are running down her cheeks, using mascara to write some poem; her eyes are glowing with sympathy, compassion and severe lust. From her body language I could tell there is a climax of some sort approaching. She started to part her thighs slightly and then put them back together and press with her hands on the lower abdomen, and then again and again—no she did not want to pee. Yet, I could swear I heard her clitoris make a buzz or a rattle snake sound every time she parted her thighs. When she closed her legs I could still hear the muffled sounds of the little snake screaming. The sex I had that night was beyond description—a woman fully aroused is a rattle snake in a tornado. I will never forget the night I fucked a rattle snake.
“I want to fuck your brains out,” is a woman’s saying, because women can do that. If you care about a woman or you just want to have sex, you must show her that you trust her. Open up, talk about your feelings and listen to hers. You do not have to hear yourself talking, just get those feelings out. When it comes to “feelings”, you can never even the odds. What you are trying to do here is to show her that you have an emotional side; that you have feelings and you are not afraid to show them; that you are a fucking human being. Do not fucking talk about your fucking job or money or car; even hookers, do not want to hear that. Finally, a great tip: match your clothes and learn to fucking dance…
Thoth © 2009