I was never bothered by birthdays. In fact, I’d always admired their courage for being able to creep up on me. Boo!!! I’m your birthday.

Thirty was fine, forty even better and fifty was extraordinary…hold the reins baby this mare is breaking down the stable door. I was a bit set back by 54 and have been trying to figure that one out for years…well….six years to be precise.  Last month I turned 60. Who the hell came up with that number?  Say it like we do here in New England…slow…….sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxteeeeeeeeeeee.

“Hey Dee, it’s me; your birthday and you’re sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxx teeeeeeeeeeeee.”  

And you waited THIS long to tell me!!!!!!

I was getting desperate so I made a call to one of those “get rid of the ghosts shows” begging them to come here to remove the black mist I saw peeking in my front door.  Damn shams….$562.84 and my mist was debunked. Seriously, can you tell me why any man in his right mind would set a smoker up in front of the garage to smoke blue fish for 8 hours when his wife just turned 60!

I thought by 60 I’d have gained a bit of knowledge above and beyond the life experience crap I hand out to my kids. Apparently not.

My kids asked me what I had left on my bucket list. What the flip is a bucket list? I had a honey do list, a grocery list, a telephone number list…but a bucket list. With that “God Mom you are pathetic look” I was told what a bucket list was. How could I have spent 60 years without a friggen’ bucket list! ???  So I started one:

1. Sort my meds.
2. Sort my meds by day
3. Sort my meds by time.
4. Remove tags from the back end of thongs prior to wearing to prevent prolonged agony as my ass becomes more enhanced.
5. Do not hug my children when braless.
6. Teach my kids that before is spelled B-E-F-O-R-E not B4. We do not speak bingo.
7. Woman up and smack my best friend whenever she says, “irregardless.”
8. Change my avatar on my OS page to bring it up to date from a year and a half ago. Learn to overcome your hatred of airbrushing.
9. Admit that I am entitled to the damn .16 cent senior discount for a cup of coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts.
10.  Call AARP and apologize to them for not getting back to them 10 years ago.

We were at my daughter-in-laws play off softball game the other night and a little girl my grandson’s age came up and asked my son and me if one of us wanted our faces painted. For free to boot. Naturally the 6’3 incher said no but not Grammie. So, this little bit of a thing dragged me off to the team bench where she had her face paints and brushes all lined up. Before she began I asked her if she could do a ladybug on my left cheek. Of-course she could, after all she was a pro and had painted the player’s numbers on all their faces prior to the game. Not sure which cheek of mine she thought she was painting on but that baby was huge, thick and wet. (Keep it clean kids.) Excited as hell I scurried off to show off my new facial feature to my husband, my son and my sons father-in law.

Wanting to impress them with my wit I decided to make that red, yellow spotted shell crusted, cutie pie pump up. And I did.

“Hey, check out the great lady bug I got” I gloated while sticking my tongue against the inside of my cheek and pushing it out as hard as I could.

The roars of laughter began as I stood with that quizzical look we all have when we’re made aware we’ve done something idiotic but we’re not sure what.

“What !!!????? It’s a damn ladybug! Look... she breathes!”

“Mom…...Mom…stoppit. Seriously Mom…stop.”

“She is clueless Dad. Make her stop. This is sooooo not right”

As I huffed away to return to my stadium seat I turned to the three amigos ….

“Ok so it wasn’t that funny. You’re all about as exciting as a gnat fart!”

On the way back to our car after the game I said to my husband, again, while sticking my tongue against the cheek of my mouth

“Cool ladybug huh?”

“Ummmmm yea Dee cool lady bug. but here’s the deal sweetie. When a woman sticks her tongue in the side of her cheek and keeps pushing her cheek out it’s…well…it’s a sexual innuendo that we, as normal …”

“…..men take as a sign of a woman expressing….well…the woman saying she can take more…”

“Say it for Ch***t’s sake!”

“…take more in her mouth than….”

“Forget it big guy. You have no sense of humor! “

The ride home was long. I admit it’s not easy for a man to drive with is wife’s ass perched on the stick shift while glaring into his eyes forcefully demanding an explanation.

1. Do not stick tongue in cheek and push cheek outward.
2. You are no longer 20 so stay off the stick shift.

Anyone know what a MILF is?