I tend to be drawn toward weirdness. Yes, I know welcome to OS. That aside, I have a strong proclivity for shows on TV that question my logic. Again, yes I know welcome to Dee’s world.
Take Ghost Hunters for example. Two Rotor-Rooter fellows leaving the shit behind to seek out paranormal activities in places reported to be haunted. There’s nothing like a full hour of:
“You hear that?”
“Yea what was that?”
“I don’t know.”
“Holy shit did you hear that?”“Sounds like its coming from over there.”
"Yea I heard it too only over here.”“Whoa shit man, did you see that?”
“Yea, what the F*** was that?”
“I don’t know.”
But that’s not the show I want to talk about. The other night I happened to tune into the History Channel. There before me was a weenie horn rimmed glassed nimrod from California talking about Parallel Universes. Red flag #1; California & quantum physicist.To my amazement a strange discovery had been found. Red flag #2; California quantum physicist with a strange discovery. This is the deal according to Melvin. If there’s something in front of you that you can see (the see part is important) that very thing you are viewing may exist simultaneously in a parallel universe. This was the very moment that I sat straight up in bed with widen eyes and thought,
*Whoa, duel orgasms.*
According to Melvin, in order to understand the entire theory we have to think small? For Christ’s sake 85% of the population is already there what took you so long Melvin. We have to think smaller than an atom. Again, where have you been Melvin? He’s now put me in my small state of thinking and begins to explain what all of this means to us.
Consider this; you’re in Arkansas visiting Aunt Emma. But are you really there? In walks the small mind thinking, after all it is Arkansas. In another parallel universe you’re not with Aunt Emma at all; you’re at home watching Gilligan’s Island.
“When you observe something in one state, one theory is it split the universe into two parts; therefore giving us multiple universes yet we can see only one."
After an hour or so I couldn’t take it anymore so I had to call Melvin.
“Yo Melvin, it’s me Dee. No not that Dee, the one sitting up in bed thinking duel orgas……. I have questions. You threw a lot of crap at me with this parallel universe thing so can we shoot some of my questions though the black hole of time travel? Look Melvin you said the universe was infinite. Come on Dude, why would you even go there?”
“That’s the thing Dee, we can’t go there. Therefore it must be infinite.
“Alrighty. You said our universe was contained in a small bubble bouncing off of a shit load of other bubbles. And sometimes pieces of the bubbles break off and form new little universes. Is that what we call floaters that appear in our eyes here in this plane? And how come our universe is not popping? What about that Melvin? Doesn’t that scare the crap out of you a bit Melvin that our universe could pop? You didn’t think of that did ya Melvin? And you also said that the parallel plane was flat. WTF Melvin. How the hell can round bubbles float inside a flat plane? Oh I get it, you were the kid in kindergarten that was able to put the round block in the square hole weren’t ya Melvin? And Melvin, you said that everything we know here is exactly the same in one, maybe two, maybe three parallel universes. So there’s 6,697,254,041 freakzoids times 3 out there? You happy with that estimate Melvin? You really want to believe that there are three Jimmy Swaggart’s out there? What about Elvis? Where’s he at Melvin? People wanna know. Yea figure that one out Melvin. What about Lassie Melvin? Did he really fall in the well or did Jimmy save him huh Melvin? This isn’t funny Melvin. Then you say that even though there are 6,697,254,041 freakziods times 3 out there not everything “we” are doing on another plane is the same as what we are doing on our current plane. You’re changing history now are ya Melvin? What are you saying Melvin? That Charles Mason could be sipping on Marguerites in St. Croix? That Lizzie Borden could be a tool maker for Kelly Axe in Louisville? That Rosie O’Donnell could be pretty? That George Bush is a proctologist? That Boy George could be on the cover of GQ magazine? That Lorna Doone could be making spaghetti sauce? That Camilla Parker-Bowles has straight teeth? That Ulysses S Grant gives out college scholarships? That Grimms could have written the bible? That Christians didn’t have to be re-born? That the tea baggers could be colonists in Boston? That DiVinci could be producing coded locks? That Nostradamus could be the medical term for nose picker? That Murphy’s Laws could be followed by our judicial system? That Gummi Bears live in thrive in South Africa? That Calvin Kline could be creating paper dolls? That Ben Franklin could be a pyromaniac? That Andy Heizeler could be Jimmy Hoffa? That Kit Duncan could be Monkey Sue’s sister? That Outside Myself could be a contortionist and is really inside herself? That Tinkertink could be a plumber? That Scanner could be a copy boy at Staples? That Open Salon is a beauty parlor for writers seeking a make over? Am I supposed to believe this Melvin??? Don’t piss me off Melvin.”
“You’re giving me a migraine.”
“And I hope it’s parallel to none.”