I hate board games. I’d rather be bathing in chicken fat. Friends bait me. They say they want to come for a nice quiet visit and within 45 minutes the cardboard is laid out, the plastic colored pawns have been personally chosen and I've filled a glass with one hell of a strong Black Russian. His name is Aleksey, aptly chosen for meaning the great defender. I’ve never met an Aleksey I didn’t love.
Tell me why those little green row houses are supposed to be appealing. A few windows boxes, a door mat, the fellow with the lantern and a pink flamingo out front wouldn’t hurt. What were they thinking? You want us to play the damn game bring some culture to the table. Then we have the pawn choices; a dog, a top hat, a wheel barrow, a race car, a boot, an iron, a battleship and a thimble. With all due respect to Parker Brothers does it not appear that of all the available choices the battleship would be the clear winner in this war? Did you know a Republican invented this game? Surprised huh? There are nine streets named after States. We’ve got three blue states and five red states. Mixed in there we’ve got Va. in the purple district. Considering Va. is holding a Republican majority, for all intents and purposes it’s a friggen red state. So, I ask, where’s the elephant and why not just name the damn game Monopolized?
Got to love this one. I can only play this game with our friends Percy & Babs. It’s the only way I can stay amused. I always get Babs as a partner. I used to think Babs was a button short of a radio but she surprises me at times. And when she gets on a roll I have to let her run with it. After all, I still have Aleksey on my side.
Question: Who invented the polio vaccine?
Babs:’ Whadda ya call it? Whadda ya call it? Dee help me out. Whadda ya call it?”
Dee: “A vaccine for Polio.”
Dee: *perk. You can do it Babs*
Babs: “Salt….salt….water…..polio….whadda ya call it….ummm…salt..salt…. salt water…DR.SALK!”
Dee: *Are you f***ing kidding me!*
Knowing my repugnance for board games my son-in-law thought he’d be clever and get me a “box” game last Christmas. This game consists of cards with mixed up words on each card that when sounded out create a phrase, or should. I know you’re all going to sound these out aloud, as it should be. These are a couple of easy ones.
Go for it:
Example: Plea Sack Chore Rage
Example: We Ant Me Tan Amour
So there we sit…four Forrest Gump’s and not a savant among us. Pleasack chorage….Pleasa k chorer age….Plea Sackcho rerage… Please ack choreage…..Please act your age!
Weant metan armour…..we atnme tanamour…..we antan a mour….Shit shit shit….Weeeeeeeeeee ant met tanamour…… We Can’t Meet Anymore!
Did I tell you I hate board games?