Tiger Sonora's Blog

Slamming into 50....Splat!

Tiger Sonora

Tiger Sonora
Location
Trendy Burb, USA
Birthday
December 03
Bio
Blogging incognito by necessity… I’m quietly desparate, but not a housewife. 50 is rapidly closing in. God please let it be the new 30. No this is not my real name. I live in a trendy burb. God knows why. I have no kids to drive to soccer. My influences? Julie and Julia from Julie & Julia. Well, primarily Julia, the mid-life career changer. I am trying to live a life of gratitude, but life ain’t fair and sometimes it sucks. I write positive professionally related stuff under my real name…this is my chance to say it like I want and keep my job and friends!

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NOVEMBER 15, 2009 6:21PM

Count down to cobb salad lunch...

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42 days to the big 50 birthday….me and Barbie… Even worse it’s only 16 more days until Cobb Salad Lunch.  Fans of Julie & Julia will recall the lunch with the way too successful friends, while there sits Julie with her dead end job.  I’m so Julie these days. And, I am having my own Cobb Salad Lunch.  Sadly I am the one that set this freakin’ lunch up. What was I thinking???
Since I’m using a former cat’s name (Tiger) to hide my identity, I’ll do the same for my Cobb friends.  “Friskie” is the local version of Jackie Kennedy and has spawned her own local Kennedy-esque brood of beautiful children with straight white teeth and thick hair.  It’s California so they are all lean and tanned too.  “Sabrina” is a Hollywood success. Not just a couple of good parts that are memorable…she’s a player…a big one. Sabrina is a producer. Not a one time shot who got an indie flick noticed, but known and a long-working-with-no-career-end-in-sight producer. Please know I truly love my high school pals, Friskie and Sabrina — they are kind women. I wouldn’t and couldn’t even ever dislike them or wish them ill for one second. They are very important to me and I care deeply for them, but these days they make me feel like crap – just by being.  I’m not proud to admit this and I know I suck for thinking this way…If you think I am whiny and bitchy about this, you are correct.  However, I’m the one that went off to the big school and stayed there – even pursued an advanced degree and dove into a career working day and night.  I was self-sufficient and on the road to “success” (not sure what that means now though).  I even married a doctor — for love…We worked hard and played hard.  Beach and mountain vacations; Husband piloted us to our getaways in private planes; we collected wine and art; we served in the community… Then boom! Baby making parts break down and come out; Husband loses career to health issues; I steer career into a not-so-profitable but altruistic path — we are barely scrapping by… And here I find myself in the bitter state of countdown to the “Where The Hell Did My Life Go” birthday…and now on top of that the “Crap I Am Going To Panic Because I have Nothing To Wear Because Everything Makes My Ass Look Fat Cobb Salad Lunch” is right around the corner. Friskie, brilliant as she is, went off after graduation to win beauty pageants and wed a trucker first time around. Personally, I think she saw Smoky and the Bandit one too many times.  She’s now married to THE local Mr. Successful amongst a trendy burb full of Mr. Successfuls. Sabrina dropped out of college and worked at a bank in-between modeling and acting until her overwhelming “it” factor, and her considerable smarts, drew her into the business – literally in fairy tale like fashion. She even has a fairy tale family and an unheard of multi-decade Hollywood marriage.

And, here I am today, miserably counting down to the Cobb Salad Lunch…why did I set this up??? Probably, because I lost a friend at the beginning of this year…  She died back East, far away from me and unexpectedly.  She was a college roommate whom I adored, but had fallen out of touch with… Literally, one hour before I found out she was dead, I had googled “Pepper” in attempt to reconnect.  (Yet again another former cat name…I can write a long, long, long time before I run out of pet names…we are still on cats – there are also former dogs, rabbits, horses, cows, guinea pigs, and gold fish, oh yeah, turtles too.  And, most of them had middle names as well…) Losing Pepper has had a profound affect on me…she was too young and I was too late, so I began reaching out to friends I haven’t seen in awhile… now there’s the freakin’ Cobb Salad Lunch looming… 

Oh, and 50, 50, 50 beats like a bass note in my head. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you.  50 is supposedly better than the alternative – being dead…you could argue a couple of years in Gitmo is technically better than being dead too…but, I’m glad I’m not there…Crap…tick, tick, tick…tomorrow it’s 41 days and 15 days….then it will be 40 and 14…

Hmmmmmmmmm…what was that? Wait a minute…I feel something very strange. 

While here I am today all like bitter and pissy about the count downs to 50 and Cobb Salad Lunch, my mind must be playing tricks on me…it feels strange…as if it’s softening its edges and compelling me to lighten my mood. WTF? I am finding myself actually enjoying certain moments…the autumn sunshine, hearing about my friend’s vacation at the coast, Husband’s joke…

Strangely, this feeling comes after a morning at the hospital with Dad. My big strong amazing Dad — who looked so frail and crumpled this morning in his recovery bed after they went in to take pictures of the much too big cancerous tumor.  

I realize something… 

I realize that I don’t want to start counting down my days with Dad.   

I might just be at the point, dare I say it, for countdowns to be done?  

Damm, perhaps “they” are right — you have to live in the moment.   

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…

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Just a repost to get all the stuff back in one place!