He was a gentle man in his fifties, talented and artistic, soft spoken, because of circumstances he could be somewhat reserved. He was one of the first people I knew who was diagnosed with AIDS. When he was healthy he made wise decisions and was the picture of restraint. His apartment was tidy, everything in it's place. He made beautiful needlepoint copies of impressionist paintings and was well educated.
When he was manic it was a whole different story. Manics have no control over their compulsions and whatever enters their head (and this happens one idea after another like this and then this and then this and then... it's called flight of ideas) they do. They are completely incapable of judging the results of their actions or the appropriateness of their emotions. If they are angry they lash out, if they are feeling wildly idealistic they may give away all their belongings, or in a buying frenzy incur insurmountable debt. If they are horny or lonely or anyway inclined toward sexual ecstasy they will fuck anyone willing without regard to their physical well being. That's where Lloyd got the bug- fucking and sucking like a sailor on leave. "Condoms who needs condoms? I have the spirit of Christ in my body. I am the host of the living God!"
In many ways Lloyd was as self sufficient as you or I but meds are tricky things. Sometimes they work sometimes they don't. Sometimes they make you stop feeling anything at all and you just can't stay numb any longer. Maybe you skip a day or maybe you miss a dose. Maybe it feels good to feel the lightning zip up your spine again and you skip another. Or maybe there has been some change in your metabolism and things get thrown out of whack. Either way you feel the click click click of the rollercoaster climbing that first hill and you are nervous and scared but alive and feeling more alive than usual. The feeling tells you you can do anything. You are beautiful. You are hot. You are sexy. You deserve that new shirt. You deserve a drink. You deserve to lose yourself in your body and someone elses. The click click click stops and you feel the plummet begin. The dive down isn't scarey yet. It still makes you feel alive. You can justify your sleezy behavior. You are above these people, practically a god. It is your due.
You come to yourself a month later. You have no money, no friends who are speaking to you, you wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking, "I'm nothing but a dirty cocksucker a filthy faggot. Everything they ever said about me was true." You live in shame. You don't know where you'll find the where-with-all to apologise-AGAIN- to all the people you have hurt and alienated. You run into people who lear at you and know that they must have been part of the circle that stood around you and used your willing body a month before.
Later that month as part of your routine exam you find out that sweating in the night is not a result of guilty dreams but a virus that your manic self welcomed in one pathetic night. Another onus another shame to carry. One more reason to be pushed to the edge of society. If being a crazy cocksucker wasn't punishment enough here you go have some AIDS while you're at it.
Why don't you just stop it Lloyd? Just take your meds and do the right thing. It's killing Mom you know seeing you like this. Do you know what the neighbors say about you? She can barely leave the house she's so ashamed. Do you know how many people saw you trapsing down the street in that garb? It's bad enough that you have to do those dirty things Lloyd without parading them right through the center of town. Why do you hate us Lloyd? We have tried and tried but there is just no end to the shame you bring on us.
I know. I know. And if you knew about the bug... oh shit you would move away. You'd never speak to me again. And I wouldn't blame you. I don't know what I did so wrong that god is punishing me this way but I must be one of the worst people on Earth. I can't tell anyone about...they'll find out sooner or later when I'm skin and bones and half dead. 'He got just what he deserved.' they''ll all think. And they'll be right. Just stop Lloyd, just take your meds and act like a real person and maybe god will forgive you.
In the eighties and nineties I ran an apartment program for the local mental health center. Lloyd was a real person. Lloyds name has been changed of course and I can never really know the horror that he went through while manic or depressive. But I guess that is the point. We can't know and may never really understand the agony of mental illness but that doesn't mean we are off the hook for attempting to understand better. We are responsible for asking ourselves if we are adding to the burden of mental illness. We can't cure it or love it out of existence. We can not become responsible for someone elses mental health or for making it better but we can learn how to deal with it and we can be responsible for not adding to the shame that the mentally ill already feel. We can be honest about our own fears around mental illness and how scarey it is to see someone lose control. We can gain a deeper understanding of the difference between the lack of will power and the inability to perceive reality and the consequences of our actions.
I am not urging forgiveness or forgetting if you have encountered someones mental illness. I am not asking you to go out of your way to be kind despite your anger. I am hoping that you will decide to study mental illness and understand what it is and isn't before you react in a personal way to someones manic episode. This ability after all is what separates you from them.
Since I don't want to take over anyones comments section I am opening up the space here for further discussion of Mental Illness. If you have a comment about general issues or even a disagreement with a theory that I have proposed feel free to comment. If you have a negative personal comment to make to someone other than me take it elsewhere. Period no exceptions. I will delete it as soon as possible. I have no problems debating the merits of different treatment philosophies but have no interest in or tolerance for anyone who wants to assume that they have enough knowledge about my relationships with others here to pass judgement on them. I have received PM's from people on both sides of this issue that are hurt or angrybut many more that have been thankful. It would have been easy for me to have shut up and written another breazy post and moved on but I feel this is an issue worth taking the risk for. All of your private encouragment has been a blessing. I hope you will be a part of a peaceful meaningful discussion as well. Thanks!
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Steve Katz
Homer Langley
myopia
princessy
alexis james
Gypsy Island Girly
Salon.com
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—Melissa
This post is dedicated to my friend Theo here on OS but also to all those who are mad at her right now. We have done a poor job as a nation and as a culture of educating ourselves on this subject and we are all the worse for it.
I am not taking sides or even suggesting any real actions because there is so little opportunity for us to learn about mental illness but I hope I can convince those people I care about here to try. And I do hope that until we all have a better understanding we can study the matter in silence or humbly ask the needed questions politely.
Mr. M. No gender, no class, no race.
Steve- it is sometimes exhausting to just be in their presence. It has to be ten times worse to be in their heads.
I will keep that in mind as well. It's easy enough to forget how tough that row is and that others' experience is not your own, so don't compare it to your own. Being asked to assess is not being asked to judge- I need to remember that, and keep remembering that. It sounds like one of those things that should be easy, but just isn't.
I'll have to bookmark this conversation- I hope more people chime in and express their feelings
It's worth a slow read. empathy.
Folk like this can be great counselors. A shrink may charge $175.00. The bail bondman will make a bundle. Lawyers will make thousands.
Court and probation fees, trumped up (hyperbole charges) charges?
This is how a Department of Justice keep in business. 'Um No cares!
Stray felines on a city streets have more compassion, and will pay attention,
or,
understand a human's condition better. This is a great sensitivity post.
You need a photo of a billy goat? Maybe someone milking on for a E.P.?
i'm so grateful to you for putting a face on mental illness and for urging people to become informed. at this point, i would settle for just small amount of better coverage for mental illness. it's a crime that i can't find therapy that i can afford when this illness is hurting my life so badly. love lvoe lvoe and gratitude, Ti Ti.
if you read my comments to someone else on my post, you will see that some people jsut refuse to learn anything at all about this. it's horrifying to someoen like me.
love love love and gratitude but don't understand about the parakeet or the non response.
Personal thanks.
I posted a poem this week about two of my nephews, who I love dearly. One got married two weeks ago, and his brother, in a deeply unwell schizophrenic state, tried so hard to be there for the ceremony for the reception, for all of it. The groom loves his brother too and was there for him, and we all tried, but.... mental illness is a force. Such a force. One, or all of us, can only do so much.
Thanks again for all that you share and give to us, to the world.
On e of the places I worked had a training that had participants (staff)wear a helmet - and, basically, it was programmed to make you "see" and "hear" through the mind of a schizophrenic. How peripheral vision changes, how noise becomes a cacophony, the "voices in your head" experience. For 15 minutes. It was really very stunning and it changed MANY attitudes and approaches among the counselors at my agency. Mine included.
I joined OS because of what I perceived as the calibre of debate. That must have been lucky timing on my part because since then I have witnessed cyclical regressions to hysterical ranting and invective as well as the persistent delusion that everything is PERSONAL on MY Salon.
Like you, I set boundaries on my comments thread and established it as a personal space, within the limitations of my having internet access to manage my posts because Ireland doesn't have universal broadband service yet. I try to respond calmly or ignore the often offensive and frequently ill-informed comments of others. For your wise and excellent example, I thank you. (rated)
In my experience as a patient and a shrink, I have concluded that when you have seen one manic, you have seen one manic. Some people max out their credit card. I take out more library books than I could possibly read. I also accumulate gmail addresses.