Brother can you spare another $2.3 Trillion?

By Tim Cerantola

IN the beginning, there were no banks. Then man said, “Let there be the three piece suit.”

And man saw that this was good (especially Armani). Then man said, “Let there be the brief case, the two martini lunch and the bank charge.”

And when man saw what he had created, he believed that this too was good - although he decided to raise the bank charges just a bit more.

Man then asked himself, “What else can I do to complicate my life?”

And so, man invented the stock market. And before you could say ‘my broker is a complete incompetent idiot’, the value of Dow Jones Industrials became mired in a bull market; bank profits dropped and the rest of us were in debt up to our ying-yangs. And if you don’t believe me, just ask God. He was there and He’ll confirm everything.

True. Prior to the invention of money and the stock market, mankind had a wonderfully efficient system called the barter system; e.g. you give me a bear fur and I’ll give you a couple brontosaurus steaks. I’ll tell you the secret of fire; you give me one of your wheel inventions. You give me that bag of ‘Cheesits,’ I won’t bash your skull in with this rock.

You know, we traded stuff.

Of course, trading is still done today. Only now, it’s done on (presently worthless) paper at the stock exchange. But as any child of three with a diverse stock portfolio (and a large rock) can plainly see, today’s stock market still parallels the old barter system in many ways - although actual living breathing livestock (other than the stock brokers) are no longer present on the trading floor.

Now, I think I prefer the simplicity of the old system. Though, as many of you have probably noticed, these days Home Depot or Sears will not accept a goat as payment - although the going rate for a four slice toaster among Mongolian yak herders is still two sheep, a bottle of moonshine, a deck of cards and a jar of peanut butter (which in Mongolia is the makings of one heck of a party).

Many people find the stock market a very confusing place. And so, in an effort to clarify yours and my confusion, I asked world-renowned investment counselor, Mr. Diddley P. Squat for some market tips to pass along to you. You know what they say in the market circles, if you don’t know Diddley, you don’t know Squat!

Squat says, "the first thing anyone must learn when it comes to understanding the stock market is the difference between the two market terms “bearish” and “bullshi… er bullish.”

When the stock market is “bearish” it is a very depressing time as you will often hear people say, “jump you bastards, jump.” It is a sad time and often, wealthy people can be seen weeping openly in their Mercedes limos and sedans.

However, when the stock market is “bullish” it is a very happy time (of lies and deceit) among wealthy people - who will still insist that business is bad.

As for market volatility, the best that I can figure is that the stock market seems to decline because someone starts a rumor that the market is about to decline - and so it declines. And then, (usually the next working day), someone else will start a rumor that the market is about to go through the roof, and it does.

Of course in these days of wealthcare, if the market doesn’t rebound, political leaders want the government to inject billions upon billions of taxpayer dollars into the system, because, no one wants to see rich people lose their money.

Speaking of rich people, have you ever noticed when you’re out with a group of friends, it’s only the richest ones who complain about money?

Sadly, I have nothing to complain about - and so I let the rich worry about money, I spend my valuable time groveling for food, but as usual, I digress from the topic at hand.

Recently, as many of you are probably aware, the stock market has been having a lot of difficulty - due mostly to the corrupt and shamefully shoddy business practices of bankers, financiers and, of course, the obnoxious, mean-spirited greed the stock market naturally cultivates in investors. Technically speaking, it’s not really a money problem, it’s a problem of ethical and honest brokering.

As it stands, it couldn’t get much worse - unless of course the US and world governments do something incredibly stupid like try to prop up the market with trillions of tax dollars…

BULLETIN:

We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog with important breaking news:

In an effort to stave off market declines, the governments of the world have done something incredibly stupid. They are propping up specially selected (the richest) banks and the stock market with trillions of dollars. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

…then, it will get much, much worse because, they’ve only added more debt (plus interest) to the problem. Talk about your buying high and selling low.

At present, the American economy is in turmoil. According to many, this is all a result of the mortgage crisis in the US, which will eventually drag the entire world down into the pits of economic hell. But, as George Bush assures us, “the fundamentals of our economy are strong” (and we have no reason to doubt his presidential wisdom).

So, to make a long story less long,  last month, after the first bailout attempt didn’t pass, a secondary bailout proposal was given a major selling job. They thoroughly propagandized the second bailout proposal in the corporate media, trying to scare the hell out of the American people with talk of imposing martial law, losing homes, losing pensions, increase in pestilence, nuclear attack, alien invasion, falling sky… (they should have threatened no TV for a week if they really wanted to scare us).

Of course, after all the financial apocalyptic fear mongering, the second bailout quickly passed, but the markets continued to decline because next to this problem, $700 billion is chump change . 

So, on to plan “C” which is, call in all of our Euro and Asian buddies and together throw a huge, hulking, massive wad of cash at the problem - maybe that will fill this economic black hole (for a couple of days, a week or a month or two ).

So now, with trillions transfused into the world markets, in order to truly rescue us all from the pits of economic hell, we need someone with the right financial expertise to spend this money prudently. And let’s face it kids, there just aren’t that many people in banking and the markets with the right expertise, if the expertise you require is honest brokering

Experts without vested interests do not exist on Wall Street, in banks, in the Bush administration or in other world governments - or among lawyers, or in politics, the oil industry, or the Pentagon, military industrial complex, pharmaceutical industry, car sales, shoe sales…

Seriously, which failing banks and which debts to you buy up, and at what price should you buy them?

So everyone, there’s nothing to worry about, unless of course you were counting on maintaining your quality of life and addiction to food. Then, there may be a problem. Ladies and gentlemen, the shit is about to hit the fan…

“If all economists were laid end to end - they would not reach a conclusion.” (George Bernard Shaw)