I couldn't get to sleep.  What was that image in my head?  I know what it was. It was a girl walking by me very quickly, I mean with a real purpose, and what kept flashing in my head was the red beret she was wearing.  Not only did it stick out but it seemed to have a life of it's own because it appeared to glow somehow; as if there were batteries in the thing or else there was some kind of energy emanating from her that gave it it's glow and she was very attractive.  I'm not sure I even remember the color of her hair but the way the red beret sat on her head was enough for me.  And the way she moved so fast.  Her eyes did not glance at me and she did not turn her head but each time I saw her walk by me I felt something.  It was almost like I could hear her heart beat.  Yeah, the blood forging like a river through her and pumping and pumping perhaps right up through that  beret.  Then suddenly I wouldn't see if for a while then suddenly I would.  The whole image was like a kind of a flashback maybe or an hallucination but what would bring that on?  I didn't take any serious drugs but who knows what chemicals might develop in the brain just because of the freaking weird environment that  constantly surrounds each of us.  How does the brain exist at all?

Plus the more I thought about this image of the girl the more details popped into my head. For instance, sometimes I imagined or thought I saw a black angel move over or around her head as if it was ducking the red beret or maybe attempting to touch it or maybe her head.  I mean it wasn't like an African American angel it was just black instead of white or whatever colors angels come in.  I don't even know what color the wings were because they were flapping like a humming bird's; really fast.  Oh and then, and I guess at this point my imagination was just running right along with the speed of the girl passing by, but now I could hear music, loud rock n roll music, in the frame with the girl.  It was really loud too and reminded me of the Doors, something like they did, dark and dangerous.  An aberration of the blues with a huge beat and screaming guitar and vocals that could rip the heart out and tear it into a million pieces.  And then  a 'mystical blues' like a crystal ship loaded with shiny things beyond description with worth beyond calculation but not loaded down, more like a floating kind of weight.  Something that was not a drag but of great value that was not only pleasant but kind of celebratory to have around. 

I was tired of trying to rest.  I got up and put all the lights on in the apartment.  Even then the place just didn't appear very bright; which was just fine with me because I never did care for an over lighted environment.  Too many lights just wouldn't do it for me but I put them all on anyway and sat in my chair.  I didn't know what to do.  I put on my computer and for some reason decided to look at some pictures in my i photo.  My Mom had recently sent me some shots from when I was a kid at my best friend Billie's birthday party.  They were all in black and white and faded but in the computer they looked really cool.  I went right to the one where I was standing next to Billie's birthday cake. We were about five or six.  I wasn't looking at the cake though because I had a sparkler in my hand and was staring at the sparks flying off.  The expression on my face was why I really liked this shot.  It was something close to amazement but not exactly.  Maybe it was a kind of awe but I liked that I couldn't put an exact word to it because I think that would have lessened the mystery of that moment.  Billy was almost completely out of the frame except for his head which wasn't facing the camera but I could still see that it was him.  He was wearing his funny little pointed birthday hat that we all wore at those occasions.  I always took mine off as soon as I thought everyone was focused on some other aspect of the party besides making sure that every kid had their crummy little pointed birthday hat on.  Then I thought, oh maybe there was some connection between the birthday hat in the picture and the red beret but I don't know.

Then I had to pee.  I went in the bathroom and put on the light but that was just too much so I shut that off and  had a pee in the dark.  Not like I had never been in my bathroom before.  I listened to the stream hit the water in the bowl and knew I was a decent shot.  As I walked out of there I thought of the two Heineken I had in the fridge and decided to open one of them.  I also grabbed the can of Planter's peanuts that sat under my bottle of vitamin C.  Then I found a shot of Billy playing with a new toy tractor that someone had given him for his birthday.  Now he looked at the camera and had that big, 'it's MY birthday face on as he flew the tractor through the air.  We both collected tractors probably because there was a big farm right behind our houses in the development we grew up in.  There was something about those toy tractors that made the world seem like a better place.  And the more of them I had the better I felt.

The beer was disappearing much to fast because the peanuts made me thirsty.  It was also very late and although the 7/11's were still open if I really wanted to buy more beer there was no way I could face getting dressed and actually walking out of the apartment.  I opened the second beer which was the last one and took a huge swig.  It was cold and hit the spot.  As I brought my head back to the level position after having tilted it to drink the beer I thought I saw the girl flash by me again.  I said, "oh shit," out loud.  Sometimes I like to talk to myself out loud in my house when I'm alone.  I make bad jokes and sometimes crack myself up.  I really never know what might pop out of my flexing jaw bones but "oh shit," was not a joke it was a comment because I had felt or imagined as she flew by me this time that I 'saw' her head turn towards me as if she was wanting me to see her eyes; which I did desparately want to do.  I thought that might be the key to this whole waking dream that was now constantly repeating itself on me.  I mean eyes can talk.  Words are not always necessary for communication.  A look can be like a photograph and say a thousand words.  At least that's what I always thought and had learned from different situations in my life. And now I really began to talk out loud.  "Dammit, I know she wanted me to see those beautiful peepers of hers and I was distracted drinking my freaking beer.  Ah, but I know that  that was her plan to make me even more obsessed with her.  Yeah, she wants to drive me crazy.  She wants me to fall in love with her and go mad because she's nothing more than a 'dream lover.'  Like the Everly Brothers used to sing about when I was a kid.  'Dream Lover where are you'...yeah where the hell are you?!  Making me nuts here like a crazy man.  I'm even eating nuts here.  Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't!  Yeah, well you can forget it because I've decided to leave you.  You won't be able to hurt me any more.  I'll just pull the plug on this entire nonsense."  That made me feel a whole lot better so I reached into the air and mimed pulling a huge plug out of an even larger socket.  As the prongs were 'exposed' to the air I made a noise, a loud snap noise, to demonstrate that the plug had indeed left the socket and perhaps signal the end of my 'affair' with the red beret but , of course, no sooner had I made the snapping sound than I see the red beret flash before my eyes again.  And still no eyes from my elusive dream lover!

This is an excerpt from a novel I'm working on.  Red Beret.  The first draft was completed during the November 2007 National Novel Writing Month program.  This section is the beginning of the book.