Some of you may have seen a post from me on here earlier called, A WORTHLESS LIFE and are now going, WAIT? WHAT? (There was like 28 hits before I deleted it, HI MOM!!!)

I wrote a sad little story and then posted it with a sad little poem.  I then was inspired to write this much longer piece, happier story of my journey into a match site and its questionaire.

I decided I would delete A WORTHLESS LIFE and save it for later when it could get more attention and post this piece about how I spent my time before bed tonight.

So now sit back, put your feet up and read my journey as I answer a lot of personal questions about my perfect sex partner and the results of said quiz.

 Thank you.

Good night and have a better tomorrow....

CHEMISTRY.COM --- LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES.

To whom it may concern,

Tonight I decided to take the Chemistry.com LET ME FIND LOVE!  I don’t really need to find love as I have plenty(most of it coming free from my wife of eleven years and some times from my bosses) but tonight, doped up on sugary caffeinated sodas, I decided to take the test to find that perfect mate.

I decided to write about it, because, that’s all there is to do on a Thursday morning at 4am.  Yes, there’s sex with the wifey but she gets mad if I wake her up. You all know what she looks like when she mad.

WHAT DOES THE LENGTH OF YOUR RING FINGER TELL ABOUT YOU?

Actual question on the Chemistry.com questionaire. I couldn't make this up on a good drunk off of some good brandy. This Doctor Lipschitz is very smart, smarter than I, smarter than you, but not as smart as Ed who according to his profile likes to be called Doctor Love when being spanked, whatever the hell that means!

According to Chemistry.com --- Exposure to testosterone in the womb increases the length of your ring finger and makes you more likely to be skilled in math, mechanics and music.

This helps us figure out what makes you tick and with whom you'll click. It's just one of the many intriguing, chemistry-inspired questions in our personality test

Amazing shit that Chemistry.com!! They also have a Dr. Sham MyButt who develops all the questions. Again, amazing shit. I am so going to take this test to discover my true love, who will bone me with such passion we will take months to heal and even more months to walk straight.

First section is all about self perception. I’m all about the self abuse. How hard will this be?

1^st question --- is what is my hand style.  My ring finger is slightly larger than my index finger. It also has a ring on it.  No, I don’t tell them that.  That would ruin the test score.

Next, the ME! profile. I’m the youngest of two brothers. This makes me neurotic and quite a masturbator. No, they can’t tell that by my answers, that will come later.

I tell them I’m looking for a double income marriage.  My wife wouldn’t mind the extra income.  But my new love interest will have to sleep in the spare bedroom.

Next question, they ask how neat is my sock drawer. I answer truthfully, it’s empty.  Not committed to socks my friend, or at the very least, sock drawers.

They ask me about my friends, I tell them, yes, all imaginary, except for you, you’re real.

So far, not so good, I hit GO TO NEXT PAGE, and the PAGE NOT FOUND comes up.  The Internet Gods must not want me to find love. You bastards.

So I try again, success!!

Next question, “I enjoy the challenge of managing people”  The hell I do. I hit save and go onto next page.

Next section, sensory perception.  Oh my, this is a test on how well I can sense closeness. Also I believe, it’s a test to see if me and my new love reproduce and have children, how well our offspring will be able to tell red from orange.  I have my perception that Chemistry.com is actually the Ninth Reich of the Nazi Party’s attempting to re-create the master race. 

Well Geoff R. Hitler, I’ll play your little game and click PLAY on your little game.

Rules taken directly from Chemistry.com ---

We're giving you 30 seconds to play this game.

Step One: Click "start" to begin. Use the "expand" and "contract" buttons until the size of the central hexagon on the right becomes the same size as the central hexagon on the left.

Step Two: When the two hexagons are the same size -- no cheating with any sophisticated measurement tools you might have -- click "finish."

I fail by an inch. My lover and I’s child will be only on the fourth rung of the new Reich’s ladder. Too bad Randolph JR. You could have been on the first rung if only your daddy had hit one more contract button. 

Moving onto my lifestyle section where I tell Chemistry.com I like to masturbate to photos of Vanna White and Pat Sajak.  They shouldn’t have questions like WHEN I HANG OUT WITH MY BEST FRIENDS, WE USUALLY… 250 word limit!!!?  The nerve. I mean, friends? Who the hell has plural friends, other than doctors and chronic masturbators?

I write, “…like to rob the liquor store down the street.”  And then move on to the next question, where do you live?

With my parents always gets the hottest honeys along with my pets. I chose both of those.

Then they ask, “Would you like to have kids with your future partners?” That means there will be sex with this partner/s correct? Oh my yes. YES!! I click yes.  No explanation needed.

Tink needs to get laid.

Then they ask, “Would you consider adopting with a future partner?”  I have to consider this one carefully.  Adoption does not mean there will be sex, this is like, “WOULD YOU MARRY YOUR FUTURE PARTNER JUST SO YOU OR PARTNER COULD GET GREEN CARD?” I click yes. I’m open that way. And move onto the next question.

IF I HAD ONE FREE AFTERNOON TO MYSELF, I WOULD…

Write love poems to my future partner and then masturbate.  No not really, I write “I would write love poems to my future partner and then contemplate her in a fantasy that would cripple the Chemistry.com servers into a reboot.” And hit save and continue.

Supposedly this is the last section about me. I am holding in my breath in anticipation. My future partner soon will be revealed.

I love the name they called their files, LOVEMAP.ASP, it makes me giggle as I say it out loud while waiting for everything to load.

Oh, now they want to know what I am looking for in my future partner.  I hope she is breathing and it would be nice if she had a vagina.  They don’t ask me that part, maybe it’s in the next section.

1^st part, I say I’m looking for a partner who isn’t too grabby but likes to fuck and then bring me in a beer and then fuck some more.  I wonder if you can use the words fuck at chemistry.com? I'm guessing you can. They don't say you can't.

Or maybe I should read the Terms of Service. Oh well.

I move onto the next section.

God damn Dr. Buttenstuff asks some pointed questions. When you see two people kissing madly in public, I do not want to look? You might as well ask, did your parents kick you in the nuts enough as a child?  I strongly disagree.  I sit and watch, bring some popcorn and rating cards to such an event. The kissing, not my parents kicking me in the nuts.

34 percent complete.  Not too far from the reveal of my true love. I wonder if I should wake my wife for this reveal? No, probably not.

What do you like to do on a Saturday night?

Attend a sport event? Host a party? Hell no.  I don’t see my choice of write bad science fiction, masturbate, and then fall asleep on the couch at 8pm, so I choose other.  Okay, I guess hobby works as well.

My friends say I’m curious? Sure why not, I’ll try anything once, more if I like it. Giggle.

Jesus Christ, do these questions never end?

I keep moving on, for you, my reader and my own curiosity. I hope my future partner is breathing.

The next section is non verbal communication through the eye.  The question shows five people and the question Would you buy a used car from this person?  Do you think their smiles are completely phony? 

Damn, tough question. They all look phony, cause well, they’re pictures. Come on chemistry.com, give me my future partner and make it snappy.

Fifty percent left to go.

They want to know if I was bored at a business meeting, what my doodles would look like.  I go with naked women with big tits. Oh my yes.

They ask me how often I fall in love. Every time I go to a new porn site. Or even an old one.

I begin to think to myself, ‘I’m glad I’m not really looking for my real future partner.  Showing me a picture and asking me what I would title it if it was a book? My god man, who cares? No,that’s not an option! It should be.

I continue on for research and this article.  I get into the emotional questions, asking me if I cried when they shot old Yeller?  No, you assholes, I sat there and giggled.

I keep waiting for the end to hit after each SAVE AND CONTINUE.

They ask me about my decision making process. I flip a coin in everything I do, including sex.

Another sensory perception question.  Oh my, back in my days, we just jumped in the back of the old station wagon, if we both had good sensory perception, we landed in the back seat, not so good, we went through the front windshield.

I click save and continue. But didn’t hit finish on the little game thingie. Oh well, hope it saved right, cause I only have 86 percent more left to go.  Yea!!

Chemistry.com loves to use pictures and say things like, “Bet there something good going on behind that wall! Do you disagree?" Sure, why not?

I move on.

What am I looking for in a long term relationship? I told you that already? SEX! Oh yeah, and breathing. That’d be nice too.

The three things I’m thankful for? My life, my family and my ability to breath through my ears. 

“Tell us about your religious background” 

“I believe in a higher power/God, I just don't believe in church or the Pope.” I reply. I’m hoping for a hot future partner with big boobs. If it helps, I’ll become very religious then.

My proudest moment?  When I discovered I was a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.

What is my career? Rebooting computers for the mafia. I hope my future partner has most of her teeth.  That would be so awesome, though the ability to remove her teeth would have some benefits too.

What’s on my bedside table? My what? Okay, a penthouse letters collection, some KY Jelly, and a half drank can of 7Up

What makes you laugh or smile? Looking at myself in the mirror naked.

What valuable lesson have you learned in life? Don’t piss on the electric fence.

I think I’m close in finding my true love future partner.  I hope she’s a red head.  And breathing.

Jesus, more questions!! For fun I like to…run naked through the park at high noon.

I hope my future partner has blue eyes. Well, any eyes would be nice.  I hope she’s breathing.

My perfect vacation would be…spent in Fargo North Dakota in the middle of January, in the nude, outside.

They ask me how important is physical fitness to me, in me, and my future partner. I don’t care, as long as I can find the hole, I’m pretty good.

At my job, I dislike, having to kiss ass a lot.  It makes my lips smell.

They’re now asking me lots of questions about what I like to do at my job. I wish I could answer, “Not work!”  Maybe they’re looking for some sugar mamas for me. I already told them I’d like a lady between the ages of 21 and this side of dead.

My ideal partner would share my love for --- Vanna White and North Dakota.  I hope my future partner is a woman, or at least has gone through the surgery.

Getting closer, they’re asking me for a profile heading and profile. Oh my, what to write?

Heading --- Looking for Future Partner that's breathing

Tell us about yourself --- Ugly computer operator type who works for mafia in casino in middle of corn field looking for future partner who hopefully is breathing and likes to look at ugly nude man who looks like Marlon Brando when he was older.

I like to watch infomercials late at night and write bad love poems where I use the words “Birds of May" a lot. 

I also like to play video games in my parents' basement where I score a lot.

If this sounds like something you would like to tell our future kids about, then hello!

I hit save and continue.  I’m hoping for a rich Hollywood type.

I decide against uploading a photo.  I want my looks to be the least of the equation and hit, SHOW ME MY MATCHES.

And just like in real life, it tells me, my profile is not quite ready and there’s no matches for me.

The hell you say?  Oh I think I have to activate my ad.  Oh my, so exciting, let me activate my ad and then see my matches. I hope she’s breathing.

YES! I’M READY FOR THE WORLD, DO ME CHEMISTRY.COM!!!!

And just like in real life, there are no matches for me! You lied to me Chemistry.com! You told me, there would be matches, even for the likes of me, a lonely computer operator, with his cock in his hands, okay, hand, okay, more like fingers, but you get the picture.

I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me!

Damn you Chemistry.com, I loosened up a lot before hitting submit, I said, I didn’t care if my future partner smoked, or drank, had kids, wanted kids, was a Buddhist or anything, as long as she was breathing, oh yeah, and had a vagina, or was in the process of getting one. 

I like to pretend I’m straight, at the very least, pretend to be the butch male type.

So why do you jump to the button, FIRST MEETING so quickly my worse best friend, Chemistry.com? There’s nobody to meet you jerk! It’s an empty room, with just me, my cock and a bottle of flat 7UP, and you want me to do something called FIRST MEETING, okay, I’m game.

Hello self, you seem nice, want to fuck?

Okay, self, bend over…

Chemistry.com you are very, very bad. I hate you. You made me jump through hoops, made me put on frilly dresses and crotch less pantyhose, well okay, maybe not those last two, I did those on my own, but still, you teased me, played with my balls, and made me call you dirty names(like George!!). You made me into some kind of little whore, which I kind of liked, but at the very least, you could have giving me a reach around and showed me a fake match, maybe named Cindy, who had a dog named Pounce and who liked long walks in the park at night while wearing a ski mask and holding a crow bar.

Good day Chemistry.com, I say, good day.