INTRODUCTION TO LOVE 201 -- A COURSE ABOUT ONLINE DATING AND WHAT IT CAN LEAD TO(DIVORCE IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL!!) 

Ahh, love, what a wonderful feeling, an emotion that has built up armies and sent them to their deaths in the flash of hours if the mood is right and the foreplay is long and drawn out. Seconds if Tink hasn't had any in a few days.

If you haven't read about my exciting introduction of a journey over at Chemistry.com, then please, read it by clicking here.

Ah yes, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "Tink! You're already married! You have found that perfect someone and she, well, she's still looking!"

Yes, my friends, I have found my love, her name is Joseph, but I want to pass along some  advice to my single friends so they too can find their "perfect match"!  Consider me the doctor of love, the sultan of perfect perversion, oops, I said too much, moving on.

CHAPTER ONE --- CHEMISTRY.COM, YOU MAKE ME GLAD I'M MARRIED PART TWO

I guess my true love is still waiting for me, out there, somewhere, if I was actually looking for her(or him, I guess my true love could be that stripper/dancer I slept with back in June of 2000. His name was Chip. Teeheehee. Wait, what? Nevermind!) as you will see, Chemistry.com doesn't seem to be my answer, if I was single, and looking for love.

It started out pretty well.

Mandy Ginsberg, Senior Vice President and General Manager of Match.com/Chemistry.com, sent me a warm greeting, welcoming me to Chemistry.com.  She even signed it and included her picture on the side.

 Yes, my friends, I fell in love with Mandy at first glance of her shining lovely face but alas, she's not available to the general public(yes, I did ask!) and will only french kiss on the nineth date. But she was nice in her rejection letter. Not really, stupid autogenerated rejection letters.

No, I don't think Mandy is a real person. Look at those teeth! And no, I don't think there really is a Dr. Helen fisher as stated in the email. Maybe a Dr. Helen Rammenstein.

So anyways, Chemistry.com(a new dating site for singles by Match.com!! they like to point out every chance they get!) sends me another email, about 2 seconds after Mandy's lovely letter of hope.

Oh my, that poor woman, her head doesn't line up correctly. I sent an email asking about this and they replied, nope, the graphic isn't misaligned, that's actually how the woman looks.  I was intrigued and asked if she was available!

They replied no. Why you no good farking tease!!!!

This Chemistry.com wasn't doing too well with matching me, I thought to myself, but then, two emails subjected --- YOU HAVE MATCHES! --- arrived in my box. I was so excited, I wetted my laptop.... (I know, I am a cute pup ain't I?)

Matches, my friends, what Chemistry.com promised me, hundreds if not thousands of willing future partners, to have and to hold, until the day I die of a bullet to the scrotum or some other body part beginning in s!

 Allison was the first, she's from Chicago and apparently we both love the outdoors and camping while cuddling up with a good book(no, not the Bible, but Penthouse Letters --- The Collection in paperback!!!) and man, is she hot! I fell in love with her profile pic. Mmmm, shadowy outlines make me horny. I didn't even look at the 7 other photos(okay, I did, and Allison is actually kind of cute, if I was actually looking for a future partner!)

And then Cindy, I caught her eye apparently! But who the hell is the douche bag with her? Damn you Cindy, that's not me that caught your eye!!!!!  WHORE!!!!

Actually, both of these profiles along with the other hundreds if not thousands of matches that Chemistry.com sent to my profile had been deactivated!! All my potential love partners were Nigerian princesses  or lonely horny prostitutes looking for love and/or a way to get their potential inheritances out of Nigeria or Russia or Baltimore before the evil General Porkerchops could get his greedy little hands on the money.

Basically, Chemistry.com is like Open PMs except instead of Kerry and Ed trying to trick people into responding to their attempts at Nigerian cybersex(fool me once, shame on you, fool me five hundred and thirty seven times and counting, shame on me!!!), it's Mandy! 

And for my final email from Chemistry.com....

Apparently, Mandy read my profile and discovered the following words --- Lesbian, nude or maybe just me nude(that's pretty offensive! I look like Marlon Brando, the fat years!!!!!) and maybe KY Jelly.  I get a chance to rewrite, which was mighty nice of Mandy so I changed lesbian trapped in a man's body, to thespian trapped in a man's body, KY jelly to rum and nude, to playing with my balls.

I hope this meets with Mandy's strict rules of conduct. 

Actually, I'm more tempted to hit RESIGN MEMBERSHIP but I'm still interested if my match is out there. 

I just read my Chemistry Profile as designed by Dr. Amy Tushantouch(no, I don't think it's the same Dr. Amy, she spells her name differently but Chemistry.com does charge you fifty bucks a month if you want more than five matches. I know, I could get a prettier prostitute cheaper on Ebay!)

Here's part of what she says is some dating tips for me ----

Dating Tips for Explorers

• You are curious and flexible; so you can get involved in a relationship too quickly, and then wonder how you got in so deep so fast. Step back and reflect before you leap.   DAMN THE HELL IF THIS AIN'T TRUE!!! THAT'S HOW I ENDED UP WITH ED AT MY DOOR WITH A SHOTGUN!
• You like excitement and novelty. But some routines can expand into wonderful traditions. Kindle some regularities in your partnership.  I GUESS THIS MEANS, I MUST EAT A LOT OF FIBER AND FIND A PARTNER WHO IS INTO SCAT FETISH. EWWWWWW! THANKS CHEMISTRY.COM!!
• You hate to confront, so you tend to break up with silence or absence. Develop some forthrightness. Your disappointed partner will appreciate your honesty and you will feel more liberated.  DEAR ED, I GUESS I REALLY SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU WE WERE THROUGH INSTEAD OF JUST IGNORING YOU AND THROWING YOUR STUFF INTO THE DUMPSTER LIKE I DID. I'M SORRY. CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
• Search for ways to inspire a partner who appears traditional. You may draw out a cautious person who loves your spirit and wants to go exploring with you.  SO HONEY, DO YOU WANT TO TRY THAT WHOLE THING WITH A GOAT AND A JAR FULL OF PRUNES? OH BOY!!!!
• You tend to be popular. So when you find someone you are genuinely interested in, avoid other dating opportunities and concentrate on this mate. NO WAY!!! ALWAYS KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPEN IS WHAT MY GRANNY ALWAYS SAID. TAKE AT LEAST FIVE OTHER PEOPLE ON THE DATE, THAT WAY, IF YOU GET BORED WITH OLD FUDDY DUDDY, YOU GOT MS. RIGHT NOW AS BACK UP!!!
• You prefer to take a relationship one day at a time. But when you find your partner in adventure, create imaginative ways to make a deeper commitment. TEE HEE! DEEPER COMMITMENT!

CHAPTER TWO --- FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT SEX, ROMANCE, AND MS. VICKY'S PMs OF LOVE

Wow, what a journey. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "Self, did I just really read a fifty three page article on Tink's attempt at online dating which he failed miserably at?" And of course, the answer is, yes, yes you did!

I recieve a lot of questions from readers like the following from an undisclosed person(HELLO LITTLEWILLIE!!!!!! Shameless Author Pimping here, if you haven't already, go check out his posts, you'll laugh till you stop!!) who writes ----

Tink,

I am forwarding this e-mail I received from "Vera" because I have heard that you are the expert on OS for handling online sexual solicitations. My suspicion is that "Vera" is actually Kerry Lauerman. Please advise.


Hello
My name is vera, I saw your profile and became interested in you,i will also like to know you more,and if you can send an email to my email address, I will give you my pictures here is my email address (veraand1000@yahoo.com) I believe we can move from here! Awaiting for your mail to my email address above vera Remember the distance or age or color does not matter but love matters allot in life) PLEASE WRITE ME DIRECTLY WITH THIS EMAIL ADDRESS (veraand1000@yahoo.com)SO THAT I WILL TELL YOU MORE ABOUT ME OK

Tink never did recieve an email from Vera and is very depressed (but was happy that he's become an expert on online sexual solicitations! My parents are so proud!!!)  but as a public service to the readers of Open, I shall respond to this question.

The truth is 99 percent of these 'I saw your profile' are in fact from Kerry. I mean, look, who is always staring out through the screen, or sitting there drinking java in a Italian coffee shop, but still ever so watchful?

That's right, my dear readers, it is Kerry!

The other 1 percent of these 'I saw your profile and only love matters' comes directly from me, dear old Tink. 

I am sorry about this, but I like the responses I get in return of these messages(I assume Kerry does as well!) including such timeless quotes as "Please go f*ck yourself!" and "I am a heterosexual woman! Please stop trying to date me!" and the best one ever from a General Brady, "Dear EVA, TAKE ME NOW YOU FOOL!!!! P.S. I know its you Tink, who else would misspell Canadian love fest on purpose!"

Good night and have a better tomorrow.....