I know what you’re saying, right now, you’re saying, “Tink, you’re already married to the most wonderful woman in the world! Why are you reviewing dating sites at 2:30 in the afternoon on a Friday!?!”
Well, my friends, because I can! Also, the wifey is at work and I’m bored and I don’t have anything to write about. If wifey was home, we could go to the zoo(I told her this when she asked me why I was still filling out the questionnaire at 4:51 pm and she said, it’s too hot, all the animals are in hiding!) or down to the river and have ice cream and later, I could write about that. But she won’t be home till almost 9pm (had to be at work at 8am – she tired teddy bear right now, whole week been like that for her, 12 hour days at work!! We haven’t seen each other except for maybe an hour or so a day the entire week. I miss my teddy bear honey bunches!! L).
These sites send me advertising through my email, through my television set, and if they could, subliminally through my dreams. They deserve to be reviewed, for my single readers (Note to new folks reading this, I have more than a single reader, I have tens if not two readers, the other two hundred and fifty nine are all alter egos of the tens!!!).
Also, some day, my wife may get smart and throw me to the curb and I, your loveable, squeezable purveyor of life through the misuse of the English language, will need to find some new person to call his loveable squeezable honey butt (most people on Open only like to be called that on Tuesdays when its Loveable Squeezable Honey Butt Day).
Also, I talked to my wife through Messenger(this week been a bad one for wifey, she has been working opening to close, 12 and a half hour days, while her boss is in the Bahamas!!!! She tired grizzly bear right now!!!) while writing this review and she told me that maybe finding me a new lover might be a good idea, even if we still married. She said, I would have to find one who has a fetish for cleaning house, that way, current honey bunches lover AKA my wife, who hates the process with a passion, wouldn’t have to and also, maybe we could also find a rich lover sugar daddy or mommy so neither of us would have to work either.
This would be good. Both of us hate working for a living. I will probably have to find two different folks for this to work though, unless there’s this perfect lover out there.
And if there is, Eharmony, if it finds that person, will get the MOST AWESOME DATING SITE EVA award as awarded by a alcoholic tink in drag!!
First the ad that was in my email---
Move Beyond Looking at Just Pictures & Profiles...We send you only
With most dating sites you have to sift through hundreds of pictures and read profiles to find someone. With eHarmony, we deliver only highly compatible matches to you that have been selected based upon our patented Compatibility Matching System®.
Sign up now to start viewing photos, communicating with your matches and seeing or yourself why eHarmony has worked for so many.
I don’t like having to sift through hundreds of pictures and read profiles to find someone. I just want the pictures. I like pictures. Profiles are full of words, do you know how hard it is to read?
So I began the sign up process. I opened up Word for a blow by blow commentary on the entire process. My readers deserve only the best. Too bad I can’t deliver and they will soon wander off to some ‘How Twitter makes it easier to grow socially…’ or ‘Politically assassinating yourself in three easy steps’ or ‘I AM DREW-SILLA’ or ‘I AM REALLY ED I TOR, A LOOK INSIDE MY MIND by Joan Walsh’.
I read their header/title on top of the browser (you have to love the ‘View source’ ability! “Cut and paste” saves the twenty seconds it would have required to type their title) ‘eHarmony #1 Trusted Singles Dating Site - Go Beyond "Traditional" Online Dating’ and was impressed but then I noticed, it wasn’t Eharmony as I had typed it, the official name was eHarmony. The emphasis was on the H.
Wouldn’t you want to make the e capitalized?
As in electronic.
Not h, as in, hell.
But I digress.
They also put the traditional in quotes. Maybe they wanted to say they were “untraditional” friendly without pissing off their “traditional” friend finders?
I wasn’t 100 percent sure; I would remind myself to ask the Vice President of Electronic Marketing when I sent them a questionaire for later addition into the review process.
I went in deeper. I answered the first set of question.
First name: Bob (Never answer the name question honestly, in case you end up with a stalker. Some guy named Bob Williams will get the bullet in the head if the whole process goes sour and you will live to see another online romance.)
I’m a: A MAN (checking to make sure! Yep, says so on my ID card) seeking a WOMAN (Okay, so far, so good, it lets me select different things, except it forgot to add BARNYARD ANIMALS to the list, so I couldn’t select I’m a MAN seeking BARNYARDS ANIMALS. I guess I would have to go to a different site for that!)
The rest of the questions were for like zip code and how I discovered them. I answered truthfully on the zip code and spam email (or as they term it, direct mail. Teeheehee) on how I discovered them. Always answer truthfully on those questions so you can find true love near you and the how you discovered them so the VP of Electronic Marketing can know that their spam (or direct mail) campaign works better than those silly ads they show on television.
The fools over in traditional marketing technique department!!
I clicked FIND MY MATCHES and soon, there was an email from eHarmony as told by my MSN Messenger.
I now have a username and password registered with eHarmony.com. Awesome.
Next question in the process, I laughed.
PLEASE CONFIRM YOUR GENDER. I looked under my undies. Yes, I still had a penis, small as it may be. It could be an extended clit but I still select MALE.
It then asked for my birthday. July 16th, 1971, in case they send me a birthday card or something. I like getting electronic birthday cards from companies. They always remembered my birthday, unlike everybody else including my parents. ~REAL TEARS~
HOW IMPORTANT IS YOUR MATCH’S AGE TO YOURS? I selected not really because I wanted some young chick with big tits, oops, I mean, because age shouldn’t matter, only love.
WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT MARITAL STATUS? Very shaky especially now that I told the wifey I was drinking rum without her. No, no, that wasn’t a selection, neither was MARRIED BUT LOOKING, I’m guessing I would have to go to adultfriendfinder.com for that so I lied and said, DEAD.
Just kidding, that wasn't a selection.
Wifey said I should select LIVING WITH ROOM MATE, but they don’t have that.
I went with SEPERATED because well, technically the wife and I are separated. She’s at work about a mile away where I am at home alone and horny, so we are separated.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? Well technically a lot because when I was a kid, I guess around 8 or so, I had a friend who happened to be a girl. We would get married by our other friend, Jim, who wanted to be a priest. Then we’d get divorced later on in the day (me and my girl friend use to argue a lot!) by our friend Bill who wanted to be a divorce lawyer.
The next day we’d make up again and start the whole process over again. Just like real life.
But I answered just the once because well, once is enough. The whole wedding process is too complicated in most cases. Should be, I do, and then run off to fuck. The end.
They wanted to know about my education. They have ‘never completed high school’ but where is the ‘never completed the third grade’?
They then asked me how important how close my match’s education was to mine, I said not important. I wanted someone with a fourth grade education, at least.
The next set of questions.
They wanted to know my income. $0 was a choice. I selected that. I’m a poor computer operator.
Again with the ‘How much do you care if your match is close to your income level?’ question and of course, not important, because I want a rich ass match!!!
DESCRIBE YOUR OCCUPATION? AND LIMIT IT TO 20 WORDS OR LESS? What the hell? I just said I make $0 in income. I’m a slave.
I answer robot.
How tall am I? 6 foot 2 inches. You know what’s next! HOW IMPORTANT…
What is your ethnicity? White.
What are you looking for in ethnicity? Anything that is breathing.
Then they ask me to select a bunch of words that matches my physical appearance. Overweight is on the list but not ugly. What the hell? You guys are limiting my choices! UNFAIR!!!
I’ll skip most of the other questions on this page but the last one, “How important is it that your partner be physically attractive?” I went with ‘Not at all’ knowing full all that most people, like myself, lie on these things and I’ll end up with Ms. Or Mr. Uglee. (also noted --- right here is where Open decided to screw up the formating on what I pasted from Word and I am now having to go through editing for formatting. Sheesh. Why here and not closer to the bottom Open?! Bad Open! You need spanking!)
Next set of questions deal with my religious beliefs and what I’m looking for in a match.
By the way, I just noticed the little words on the bottom of each page.
eHarmony Compatibility Matching System ® Protected by U.S. Pat. No. 6,735,568
And I laugh.
I think I will make my own “Compatibility Matching System” with questions like,
“HOW IMPORTANT IS THAT YOUR MATCH BE BREATHING?”
You know, the important questions! As long as they are breathing, I keep telling you eHarmony!! As long as they are breathing!
Next section is about me. All right, the most important section.
Wait, what were the first two sections about?
This section is filled with a bunch of statements like, I CAN HANDLE A LOT OF INFORMATION or I CAN GO POTTY ALL BY MYSELF with a rating system ranging from not at all to very much and you have to select which one closely resembles you.
I go with middle on the potty question and move on.
The next section is SELF DESCRIPTION.
It’s like the about me section except instead of statements, it’s words like warm, submissive, self-defecating, etc. etc. and the same scale system.
I think of myself as very warm, not submissive at all (as long as you drop the whole on knees begging for sex!) and well, I can go poop all by myself most of the time.
By the way, SAVE AND CONTINUE, will be your travel guide throughout the entire process.
Also by the way, the self description continues on for another page. Damn, when do we get to the, I WANT TO HAVE SEXY GOOD TIME section?
Sensitive? Under-achiever? How did they know I was taking this questionnaire?
Another frucking page of self-description????
Oh my god, eHarmony is watching me!! Everyone, be quiet!
Fuck! Does this self-description crap never end?!
Jesus Christ, you had me at ‘Free profile views’ eHarmony.
Just show me the suckers who are breathing and who like sexy good time!!!
Dear eHarmony, this whole self description thing and the numerous pages it goes on for is old.
At least Chemistry.com(reviewed here in case you missed it. I'll wait while you go read that article!) mixed these up with little games and such so it didn’t get boring. Just an observation.
I myself like hitting little circles on words that might describe me.
Oh I misspoke, they added, “Check the four words below that your friends would describe you as”!
Oh my, well, my friends(all imaginary) aren’t here to answer this so I guess I should say they would describe me as sexy, intelligent, friendly, and a good fuck, haha, I joke on the last one.
I went with romantic. That’s close enough.
Section five is called PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS and is the same as section three and four, statements, same scale, boring.
I want games damn it.
But the statement, I AM ABLE TO EXPRESS MYSELF IN UNIQUE WAYS made me go, oh fuck yea! Not sure why, but it seems to fit me.
Also “I HAVE A HIGH DESIRE FOR SEXUAL ACTIVITY” also made me select FUCK YEA, or as they call it, VERY WELL. I am very horny. All the time. Stiff breeze goes up the under roos and I’ve got a spiffy(as Word says the word stiffy should be spelled!!).
Section five it seems, like four, goes on for pages.
You just sit here and wait till the end, I’ll be back when it gets to section six.
Still waiting… Jesus, where did Tink go? Hello? Wow. He started this article at 2:30 pm, and it’s now 4:34 pm. I bet his parents are wondering why he hasn’t called them yet. Hello? Tink, are you there?
Damn, these statements. “I like to look at others of the opposite sex”? “I’m emotionally stable”? Damn, all true!!!
“When I’m mad, I take it out on someone else”? Yes, my sex slaves. Giggle.
Wow, I’m finally done with section five.
And am moving on with section six. ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS.
Oh god, more of these, rate the words. Or as you, eHarmony, like to say, scale it.
I’ll be back again, in another hour or two.
Here’s some crackers and soda for you. TV’s on too, if you want to watch some shows about really cool things. Or infomercials. There might be one of those sappy eHarmony commercials on so you can feel like you’re still reading this article.
Well section six was only one page.
Onto section seven. RELATIONSHIP ORIENTATION AND VALUES.
Again, with the ‘scale’ thing and phrases such as ‘I’m looking for a long term relationship which will lead to marriage’
Sorry to say to eHarmony and some of my fans, but HELL NO, I’m looking for sexy time, which will lead to more sexy time!! Whoo!!
But yes, I do make it tough for people to get emotionally close to me. I’ll fuck ya, but I won’t let you behind the masks I wear. Just ask the wifey, she’ll tell you!
Man, they sure do like to use the word “monogamous” a lot.
Sheesh. Selecting not at all just to be mean.
Section eight. IMPORTANT QUALITIES.
I’m guessing this is about the qualities I’m looking for in a match.
This is what eHarmony calls the potential mates or also how eHarmony describes it, a partner for a relationships, if I haven’t said that yet.
If I have, I’m just repeating it for the educational factor.
My tall glass of rum and diet coke (I’m trying to watch my girlish figure!!) is almost empty. And I’m not even half way done with this questionnaire.
Damn you eHarmony.
My partner’s love of children? Eww, I no want any pedophiles.
No, no, I understood the statement and answered kind of on the high factor.
I mean, if things go serious, I’d like to have children, or as I call them a social experiment I can release on society. Evil laugh. Oops, I mean, giggle.
This one seems to be a multi-pager so I’ll let you go back to watching the television set for awhile.
You can turn it on if you want.
Well they threw me for a loop, for this section, they’re asking me which THREE things are I MOST thankful for. Please limit it to 20 words or less for each thing I’m thankful for.
1--- My ability to still get an erection with little or no effort(aka pills)
2--- My ability to breath through my ears
3--- My enormous cock.
Haha. Just kidding. Real answers:
1--- My wit and charm(my friends call it insanity)
2--- My ability to still breath
3--- My friends and family ability to keep from throwing me into the loony bin
SECTION 9. ABOUT YOUR PERSONALITY.
Hey wait a minute, didn’t I fill this out already?
If anything, eHarmony is about repetition. Which is good, if you’re having sexy good time.
Wait, these are True/False question, such as if a clerk gave me too much change back, I would kiss them on the lips as I needed bus fair in the morning? True.
SECTION 10, YOUR PERSONAL INTERESTS.
Well, not “Your” personal interests.
That would just be silly. Unless you want to be my sex toy, then, what the hell am I doing taking this way too long questionnaire!?
Again, they go with the scale system.
So far, their system is rate a bunch of words/phrases as they relate to you so your personality profile will be formulate.
Then they ask you how much you care if your matches have the same personality profile so then they can throw some matches at you that if you like, you’ll have to pay so much to reply to.
That’s my idea of the system so far, and I haven’t even gotten to the end of the section 10 yet.
I haven’t even started it.
Oh my lord, so far, Word says my article is 9 pages long. I hope you’re still with me and haven’t stayed watching the blank television screen still. I’d be sad.
They do throw in a ‘What are you passionate about?’ question. They don’t tell you to limit it to 20 words or less, but they have a character counter, so I just put writing. Keep it simple stupid.
And another page of selecting personal interests. And another question, two or three things I like to do with my personal time, this will be shared with my matches. Writing and masturbating. Again, no mention of the 20 words or less but the characters remaining pops up on the word box as I type.
Dear eHarmony, keep it simple, I think it what you should change your motto to, at least for the responders’ attitude, now your questionnaire, keep it long and repetitive!!! I like it long and repetitive. Damn, that sounds sooooooo wrong.
Section 11. LIVING SKILLS.
This looks like the same as personal interests but they just named it LIVING SKILLS to make it look different and so they could add another section. Good game my friends eHarmony, good game!
Section 12. COMMUNICATION STYLE.
Oh Jesus eHarmony, just give up, finish it, tell me I’m just looking for a breathing human female to clean my house and have my social experiment and if not that, at the very least strip naked and ride a horse through my 10,000 acres of prime dump land in Nebraska.
Hey, it just gave me a percent completed on the profile.
Oh wow, we’re almost done. 97 percent. Whoooooo!!
SECTION 13. MATCHING INFORMATION.
I almost typed sextion 13. I guess I know where my head is. Giggle.
"Please answer the following questions as completely and honestly as possible", they put in at the top of this section.
The other sections they didn’t.
I guess for my match to be perfect, they need honesty in this section.
The other 12 sections you could just answer untruthful and incomplete and it doesn’t matter.
Those other 12 sections were just practice for this one. Or to weed out the non-stayers. I mean, it’s almost 6pm and I’m still here. I got nothing better to do.
I did go on my wife’s Facebook farm and pick her potatoes and such.
But that took me like five minutes.
HOW MUCH DO YOU SMOKE? Of what is my question. Damn you eHarmony again, you need to be specific!
HOW MUCH DO YOU CARE THAT YOUR IDEAL SMOKE? Uhm, as long as they got their own stash, smoke it if you got it!!
Now they’re asking me how much I drink and how much I want my match to drink. Same answer. Drink it baby if you got it. Don’t be stealing my booze, I need it to live through this thing called life. Or pour it over your tits and lick it off.
I am answering truthfully and fully. Other words for completely and honestly. I love you eHarmony, even though you ask way too many questions just to get to the basics.
Then they ask me how many children 18 or under I have living at my home. I answer none.
All the children I have under 18 are hiding in a bomb shelter in the plains of Kansas.
Then they move on to ask how many children do I want to have either through birthing or adopting with my soon to be matched with partner.
I’d like to have a 100 or so through either. I figure the more we have through birthing means that much more sexy good time has been had by us both.
But adopting is good too, in case I fall in love with a transsexual from Thailand.
I click the yes, I would like to have a baby or adopt one.
The having a baby makes me giggle because as a man, if I have a baby, I will be so rich with the interviews, the reality shows, etc. etc.
I am close now my friends and readers, to getting to my matches, the hot transsexual lady from North Dakota who wants to adopt a baby from France I know will be there.
I click I agree with the terms and agreements of privacy statement, without even reading it.
Who ever reads those things anyways?
Ah fuck, more questions.
Where do I live? You sons of a bitches, you’ve already asked me.
Oh I get it, the other 12,000 questions didn’t matter.
Truthfully. I remember.
How far am I willing to search to find my life long love? Why isn’t 2 blocks on the list? Miles? Fuck that!
I do love how they got a Google Map that pops up matters to what you answer.
I’m not sure what pops up if you select ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. I still think it’s Planetism that they don’t have ANYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE!
I go with anyone in my country, because, well, I get enough Nigerian princesses looking for love here on Open, Gather, and other places I hang out here on these thing called the PornOMatic 3000(you probably call it the Internet because well, you're good like that!) that I want some U.S. of frucken A lovers!!!
Some optional questions are DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MET THEIR SPOUSE THROUGH AN ONLINE DATING SERVICE and HAVE YOU EVER USED AN ONLINE DATING SERVICE BEFORE. I answered truthfully and completely no. I know, I lied.
Also, if you meet your spouse through your online dating ad, would that be like the PINA COLADA song only modernize?
IF YOU LIKE PINA COLADAS, GETTING CAUGHT IN THE RAIN....giggle. Paraphrasing the lyric cause well, I'm too lazy to go Googling!
Damn. I guess I shouldn’t have clicked separated because it tells me:
Your account status currently indicates that you are married.
But I can call a service rep to get my status set to recently divorced and in which case it will create my profile and show my matches if I want but I don't want to go that far for this article(sorry my dear readers, it has already taken me way too long for my normal WRITE CRAP IN TEN MINUTES AND POST!!! And I wonder why I only have one EP. Its because of my attitude!) so instead I click on, SHOW ME MY FREE PERSONALITY ANYWAYS.
And it tells me that I’m happy.
You're kidding me right, eHarmony. Over four hours to tell me that!?!
Of course I am, I’m separated you fool!!!
But for some unspecified amount of money, they'll send you a more indepth profile analysis, which will probably state, "You also seem to be well hung and loved by many! For another fifty bucks, we'll tell you, You dress nice too!"
So advice to the recently seperated who are starting the process of online dating on eHarmony.com --- answer untruthfully and tell them you’re officially divorced.
Otherwise, you’ll waste 4 hours answering questions to have eHarmony to tell you, “YOU’RE HAPPY!”
Next time, we'll be reviewing another random site that dares spam my email account while I'm bored. Which means, it'll probably be one of those 'MAKE YOUR PENIS HUGE' emails I get like every day.
Or Match.com. I'm thinking I get these ads for dating services because they think I'll give them a fair review(for fifty bucks, I will!! I know, I am cheap!!) Or my cruising porn sites. Either or, I get enough of them to keep the reviews coming for weeks, maybe even days.
Or we'll just go to adultfriendfinder.com and answer truthfully that we're looking for some Thai girlboy for water sports and some CBT. (Googling is fun at 3am!! I learn new terms for use in my articles!! Whooo!!)
Anything for my readers and friends! (you are all my favorites!!!)
Good night and have a better tomorrow.
NOTE ADDED AFTER WRITING THIS AND THEN DISCOVERING WHAT THE OPEN CALL WAS --- I would have responded to the open call about Jon and Kat plus 8 announcement but pfffffffft, WHO CARES!? I would care if the announcement was 'Jon and Kate Plus 8 was just a horrible idea as thought up by a drunken tv reality show writer. There really isn't a Jon and Kate plus 8. They are all actors as selected by a drunken casting call director. We are very sorry to have pulled this on the viewing public and everyone involved, including the cast, will be shot dead in front of a live television viewing audience'!
Thank you and again, good night and have a better tomorrow.